Bad Romance

Embarrassing as it is to admit I have an affinity for Lady Gaga's music.  Despite the fact that her eccentric and exhibitionist personality is quite distasteful to my more conservative sensibilities.  And as bad as the lyrics are, I mean seriously referring to male anatomy as a "disco stick" is not exactly poetic, I still listen and laugh.  Not to mention her costumes.  Honestly, if you're going to dress like a Muppet and call it art, then we're probably not going to have anything to talk about now are we? 

But her music is so catchy it makes me wanna dance, which rarely happens these days!  I bop along in my car and office completely oblivious to the spectacle I create.  The fact that I'm not embarrassed is actually more embarrassing than my horrendous dancing and singing skills!  

Rah-rah-ah-ah-ah

Roma-Roma-ma

GaGa, ooh-la-la

Want your bad romance

I want your ugly I want your disease

I want your everything as long as it's free

I want your love, love, love, love

I want your love

Hm, I don't know about you, but based on just the first few lyrics of one of my favorites, Bad Romance, I sense that Lady Gaga's idea of love and romance is pretty twisted and FAR different from my own view.  After all, I'm not really interested in getting anyone's disease!  And I'm smart enough and old enough to know that nothing is free, especially love.  It always costs something.  Just ask Jesus.  

Don't worry I'm fresh out of soap boxes so instead I'll just tell you about one of the most beautiful expressions of love I've ever witnessed.  A few years ago I watched as my niece was serenaded by her new husband at their wedding reception. Tears filled the eyes of every wedding guest as we watched him get down on one knee and belt out a song that obviously meant the world to them.  He wasn't a professional used to singing for an audience, he lacked the polish of a trained vocalist and his voice was a little shaky.  Simon Cowell would have butchered him.  But he didn't care, instead he risked humiliation and rejection to sing to the love of his life.  And in that moment he proved that he would love her without fear, and more than his pride.  It was the best performance I've seen in my entire life.  Lady Gaga should take note because that's romance, good romance.

God give me the courage to love so fearlessly, honestly and humbly!

Spoiled (Un)rotten

Over the years I have received many nice presents. Gifts that touched me and made me grateful for all of the love and thoughtfulness that went into choosing them.

Even the hot pink, barbie blow-up couch given by my niece several years ago, because even though she was little she still wanted to give me a gift that meant something to her.

But this Christmas season I've literally been spoiled with gifts. In a good way. And I like it. A lot.

This is the first year that I've felt confident enough to let a few people know all (okay most) of me, even the messy, extremely ugly parts. And their gifts were thrilling because they spoke to my deepest passions, because the givers knew me well enough to choose things I would love. Things I would never ask for because they seemed too extravagant or expensive, or maybe because I didn't even know I wanted them in the first place.

But as much as those tangible gifts meant to me, as special and loved as I felt because of them, they pale in comparison to the intangible gifts I received.

Gifts of time. Patience. Silence. Touch. Support. Commitment. Grace. Mercy. Encouragement. Celebration. Love.

I am fairly certain that I would not have survived 2009, one of the most difficult years of my life, without the people who offered those things to me when I could not offer them in return.

I would not have survived the intensity of emotions. I would not have survived the memories. I would not have survived the sadness. I would not have survived the fear. I would not have survived facing reality. I would not have survived facing the demons of my past. I would not have survived my faith. I would not have survived myself.

I would not have survived.

Not without the hours of ridiculously long telephone conversations where I was allowed to whine, vent, laugh and cry until I was spent.

Not without the freedom to explore the truth of my story, to literally revisit my past without the fear of rejection in the present. Not without fellowship, food and fun. Not without warm hugs. Not without pursuit and perseverance when I was frustratingly stubborn or withdrawn.

Not without extravagant love.

Not without living, breathing models of the love of Christ in action. No judgment. No criticism. No "I told you so". No "shoulds". No abandonment. No pressure to perform.

Just loyalty, truth, grace and above all love.

Those are the unexpected gifts that have carried me. The gifts for which I am externally grateful. The gifts I cherish the most. Merci.

Space

I had a day off last Friday and do you know what I did? Absolutely nothing important. I didn't answer my phone. I didn't take a shower. I didn't change out of my pajamas. I didn't get my mail. I didn't take a walk. I didn't cook (I ate tortillas with hummus all day......) All I did was sleep, watch movies, sleep, eat, sleep, work on a collage, sleep, journal and sleep some more (I don't feel too guilty about all of the sleeping since I've had insomnia for 3 weeks!) Of all the things I should have done - cleaning, organizing files, laundry, exercising - I chose to do none of them and I was blissfully happy as a result.

One of the things I love and hate about living alone is well, actually being alone. I'm such a dichotomy because on the one hand I crave intimacy and quality time with those I love (which differs greatly from quantity time), but on the other hand I need a lot of space and time alone to recharge, and trust me when I tell you that I can get pretty irritable when I don't get enough of it! Just ask anyone who has lived or traveled with me. :-)

Because I still want to get married, the fact that I am so horribly selfish kind of worries me. If I can't even handle a roommate, how would I ever function as a married woman? How would I ever deal with all of the forced "quantity" time? How would I handle sharing everything with a man, even one I adore? How would I negotiate time for myself without making him feel neglected? How would I justify how I spent last Friday? How would I handle the vulnerability that a healthy marriage requires? Am I too set in my ways? Am I too old of a dog to learn new tricks? Am I too damaged?

You know, for so many years I gave every second of my life to others. Lately the pendulum has swung the other direction and I've spent a lot of time focusing on my interests. Since I've recently been reminded that the world does not revolve around me I've decided to quit hiding behind my introverted personality. Yes, I will always need space and time alone, but I no longer want to be so focused on myself that I miss out on opportunities to know and love others. I no longer want to be so self-absorbed that I forget to let God use me as an extension of his love and grace. I no longer want to be so introverted that I fail to act on behalf of the marginalized people of this world. And mostly, I no longer want to hide from the healing that healthy relationships offer, even if they push my boundaries and require more of me than I expected. So, please be patient with me as I learn how to be present and authentic and selfless. I have a long way to go. The good news is that I'm no longer reading the map upside down so at least I'm headed in the right direction!

Chicken Scaloppine

Every year on or within a few days of my birthday I eat a serving of Chicken Scaloppine from Romano's Macaroni Grill. It's my favorite restaurant and my favorite meal full of carbs, fat and more calories than I should have in a week. And you know what? I enjoy EVERY last bite. I look forward to this day and as any of my friends can tell you, I talk about it for a long time before it actually happens. And that first bite NEVER disappoints me. It's always better than I remembered and makes me very, very happy. Today was the big day and it was almost enough to inspire me to do the "happy dance".......but not quite.

Perhaps more special to me is the tradition of enjoying my favorite meal with my favorite girlfriends. This year it was a smaller crowd, but included my best friend with whom I have not celebrated a birthday for 5 long years. It also included someone I've known for 18 years but not really let KNOW ME until very recently. What could be better than girlfriends dishing about life over Italian food, real Dr. Pepper and rich chocolate cake?

It's the relationships that mean the most to me, the food is just a delicious bonus. This year I celebrated with a lot of people, and boy did my party start early! Last weekend I enjoyed time with my family. I cherish the handmade birthday card made by my 9-year-old niece, the wobbly signatures of my nephews and my 14-year-old niece being sure to sign her full name, in case my memory fails..... She really does think I'm that old!! I had lunch with my mom at a wonderful Greek restaurant and enjoyed a yummy strawberry cake from my staff. Saturday I enjoyed the company of some other really special friends and then dinner with a close girlfriend 2 nights in a row. Although I think she invited me over tonight because I cried last night at dinner and she was worried!!! Today I received many birthday wishes from friends scattered throughout the country - feeling special and cherished is not familiar to me, but this week I felt both in spades.

All in all I can see that through my relationships God is answering my heartfelt prayers for community and intimacy. I can see everyone's fingerprints all over my life and I'm not trying to wipe them away, I've come to love those smudges. And I'm enjoying knowing and being known, even when it rocks my world.

My "Secret"

Dating for an older, Christian woman in a post-modern world is complicated. Morals are relative now, and mine seem prudish and old-fashioned, and sometimes like a self-imposed prison. I find myself in a real pickle. Co-workers say I should tease my hair, layer my face with makeup and dress in cleavage bearing, butt-hugging clothes. While I'm sure there would be one man drunk enough to appreciate that look, I'm equally sure that no matter how desperate I may be, I'm not so desperate that he would get lucky!

To top it off, I don't fit the mold of the typical "Stepford-Christian" woman. I'm not very conservative, I'm extremely independent and opinionated and I don't put up with a lot of b.s. Not exactly the type of woman most of the "Christian" men I know are looking for in a wife.

So now I'm going to tell you a secret that I have kept hidden from many people because I fear appearing desperate. I'm a member of E-harmony. There, I actually admitted it. It makes me squirm, and I am blushing as I type! Online dating is just weird.

I have trouble figuring out how to put my best "profile" forward. Do I have a picture that is somewhat flattering but not misleading? Do I admit how neurotic I am? Should I try to appear witty or studious? Ugh....it's enough to drive me insane. I want someone to love me as I am, not as I appear or as he idealizes me to be. Part of me just wants to tell these would-be suitors that I'm deeply flawed and insecure and will likely annoy by asking incessant questions and displaying extreme independence. I'm overweight (but losing!), lazy on the weekends and selfish when it comes to my stash of Diet Cherry Vanilla Dr. Pepper. I also cry at sappy commercials/movies/songs, exhibit signs of road-rage, wake up grumpy and get very out of sorts if I don't get enough "me-time". I am prone to hogging the remote control and hiding the dark chocolate, and will only share my Ben and Jerry's "Phish Food" if you're really, REALLY nice to me. Yet, I also love passionately and would do anything for the man who decides he can handle me. I take time to get to know, but then I'm not so bad (I hope). It's hard to communicate that in 100 words or less.....

Apparently my profile still needs some work, because listed below are just a couple of my experiences:

Guy #1 – The Perverted Cowboy
I started to doubt E-harmony’s matching capabilities when they cheerfully sent me this match. The first strike against the poor bloke was the photo that he proudly labeled “Me in Thailand with hangover”. Hmmm, a potential alcoholic……charming. In one of his other photos he was wearing tight jeans, ropers and a ten-gallon cowboy hat while standing next to a Texas-sized pick-up truck. Uh-oh, a “good ol’ boy”. Apparently E-harmony didn't get my memo - I'M NOT FOND OF COWBOYS!

But, since beggars can’t be choosers, I gamely answered his questions. By the time we got to his “Must Have/Can’t Stand” list I knew that we would not get together unless the temperature dropped below 32° in Hell.

Here are a few of his “Must Haves”:
Passionate – she must be open to exploring his sexual desires
Verbal Intimacy – he must be certain she is sharing her deepest thoughts and feelings (sounds just like me doesn't it?)
Affectionate – she must be comfortable accepting and receiving public affection
Church Member – she must be a regular attendee or active member of church

My interpretation was that this guy was a perverted cowboy who would read my journal and maul me at church. Do I hear 3 cheers for E-harmony???

STATUS: MATCH CLOSED by me, a frigid, emotionally distant, reserved, church attendee.
UPDATE: MATCH RE-OPENED BY HIM saying that I would feel differently if I met him in person. Does anyone else see “stalker” written all over this??
MATCH CLOSED AGAIN by me, a girl who would be really freaked out right now if E-harmony were not anonymous!

Guy #2 – The Indecisive Teacher
Do you know anyone who likes to be put on hold? I added up the amount of time I spent listening to MUZAK last week and was quite irritated that 2.67 hours of my precious life was wasted as I mindlessly hummed along with every Barry Manilow, Neil Diamond and Air Supply song known to man (Appropriately “Making Love Out of Nothing at All” was featured frequently on MUZAK last week.)

Well……E-harmony has this lovely little option where one can put a match “on hold” instead of completely ending communication. Kind of like “sort-of” breaking up with someone which is oh so much fun for the person unexpectedly put into limbo.

So after exchanging questions and answers with this teacher, he ……PUT ME ON HOLD! I was faced with a dilemma, should I close communication with him or leave him on hold and see if he would contact me again? Decisions, decisions.

STATUS: MATCH PLACED ON HOLD by him, an apparently indecisive teacher. Since I didn’t close communication, I guess it says that I’m indecisive too, we must be an ideal match, well maybe not, oh I just can’t decide……

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Sigh.... All humor aside, the biggest lesson I've learned is that it's very easy to be too narrow-minded. If someone doesn't strike my fancy within the first few minutes of reading his profile, I can close his account with a click of the button, and I have. If my photo doesn't live up to his standards of beauty, he can close my account just as quickly, and trust me - he does. After all, there are millions of fish swimming in the sea....

It's so easy to forget that getting to know someone takes time and energy and a real commitment. Chemistry is not based solely on physical attraction, yet men want a photo immediately. Women on the other hand want emotional intimacy and hope to glimpse a man's heart based on the statements made in his profile. On the web, there is something important lost in the process. For me, it's the human interaction and real connection I get from talking in person to a living, breathing man. That excites me. Seeing his face, his mannerisms, his smile. Answering a million questions about myself and revealing part of my heart to someone online feels clinical - and it's way too easy for both of us to pretend.

Yet, I still haven't closed my account, maybe because at least online someone is showing some interest in me, and I don't even have to be dressed like a "hoochie mama". In the real world, that NEVER happens anymore and sometimes my fragile ego needs a boost. I need to know that at least one man responds to me or finds me attractive. That's why I log in and answer really lame questions and try to sound witty and charming. Hope really does spring eternal, doesn't it?