Space

I had a day off last Friday and do you know what I did? Absolutely nothing important. I didn't answer my phone. I didn't take a shower. I didn't change out of my pajamas. I didn't get my mail. I didn't take a walk. I didn't cook (I ate tortillas with hummus all day......) All I did was sleep, watch movies, sleep, eat, sleep, work on a collage, sleep, journal and sleep some more (I don't feel too guilty about all of the sleeping since I've had insomnia for 3 weeks!) Of all the things I should have done - cleaning, organizing files, laundry, exercising - I chose to do none of them and I was blissfully happy as a result.

One of the things I love and hate about living alone is well, actually being alone. I'm such a dichotomy because on the one hand I crave intimacy and quality time with those I love (which differs greatly from quantity time), but on the other hand I need a lot of space and time alone to recharge, and trust me when I tell you that I can get pretty irritable when I don't get enough of it! Just ask anyone who has lived or traveled with me. :-)

Because I still want to get married, the fact that I am so horribly selfish kind of worries me. If I can't even handle a roommate, how would I ever function as a married woman? How would I ever deal with all of the forced "quantity" time? How would I handle sharing everything with a man, even one I adore? How would I negotiate time for myself without making him feel neglected? How would I justify how I spent last Friday? How would I handle the vulnerability that a healthy marriage requires? Am I too set in my ways? Am I too old of a dog to learn new tricks? Am I too damaged?

You know, for so many years I gave every second of my life to others. Lately the pendulum has swung the other direction and I've spent a lot of time focusing on my interests. Since I've recently been reminded that the world does not revolve around me I've decided to quit hiding behind my introverted personality. Yes, I will always need space and time alone, but I no longer want to be so focused on myself that I miss out on opportunities to know and love others. I no longer want to be so self-absorbed that I forget to let God use me as an extension of his love and grace. I no longer want to be so introverted that I fail to act on behalf of the marginalized people of this world. And mostly, I no longer want to hide from the healing that healthy relationships offer, even if they push my boundaries and require more of me than I expected. So, please be patient with me as I learn how to be present and authentic and selfless. I have a long way to go. The good news is that I'm no longer reading the map upside down so at least I'm headed in the right direction!

A Moment to Myself

It's interesting how my friends who are married with children view my life. They come into my home and admire my "things". They comment on how clean and pretty my abode is. They look longingly at breakables prominently displayed on the coffee table. They must imagine that I walk into my home each evening and sigh contentedly, thrilled at the prospect of having a moment to myself after a long day. Sometimes that's true, sometimes I am so drained by my day that I do enjoy the peace and quiet of my space. It's unique and beautiful and quiet and clean, but equally empty of love and passion and purpose. Every day I wake up and face the world completely alone. Yes, I know I have God, family and friends, but trust me when I tell you, they don't quite fill the longing for companionship, affection or intimacy!

So I try to figure out ways to give of myself to others. I try to engage my coworkers, be present for friends and let the people I love know that they are important and special. But what I wish they would realize is that loneliness can be suffocating and while every one craves a moment alone, most people do not crave a lifetime of moments alone, and a lifetime is what I have.