I had a day off last Friday and do you know what I did? Absolutely nothing important. I didn't answer my phone. I didn't take a shower. I didn't change out of my pajamas. I didn't get my mail. I didn't take a walk. I didn't cook (I ate tortillas with hummus all day......) All I did was sleep, watch movies, sleep, eat, sleep, work on a collage, sleep, journal and sleep some more (I don't feel too guilty about all of the sleeping since I've had insomnia for 3 weeks!) Of all the things I should have done - cleaning, organizing files, laundry, exercising - I chose to do none of them and I was blissfully happy as a result.
One of the things I love and hate about living alone is well, actually being alone. I'm such a dichotomy because on the one hand I crave intimacy and quality time with those I love (which differs greatly from quantity time), but on the other hand I need a lot of space and time alone to recharge, and trust me when I tell you that I can get pretty irritable when I don't get enough of it! Just ask anyone who has lived or traveled with me. :-)
Because I still want to get married, the fact that I am so horribly selfish kind of worries me. If I can't even handle a roommate, how would I ever function as a married woman? How would I ever deal with all of the forced "quantity" time? How would I handle sharing everything with a man, even one I adore? How would I negotiate time for myself without making him feel neglected? How would I justify how I spent last Friday? How would I handle the vulnerability that a healthy marriage requires? Am I too set in my ways? Am I too old of a dog to learn new tricks? Am I too damaged?
You know, for so many years I gave every second of my life to others. Lately the pendulum has swung the other direction and I've spent a lot of time focusing on my interests. Since I've recently been reminded that the world does not revolve around me I've decided to quit hiding behind my introverted personality. Yes, I will always need space and time alone, but I no longer want to be so focused on myself that I miss out on opportunities to know and love others. I no longer want to be so self-absorbed that I forget to let God use me as an extension of his love and grace. I no longer want to be so introverted that I fail to act on behalf of the marginalized people of this world. And mostly, I no longer want to hide from the healing that healthy relationships offer, even if they push my boundaries and require more of me than I expected. So, please be patient with me as I learn how to be present and authentic and selfless. I have a long way to go. The good news is that I'm no longer reading the map upside down so at least I'm headed in the right direction!
