Recently, as I was working on my shoulder exercises during a PT visit, I was pretty excited, prematurely it turns out, that I was accomplishing the movement with minimal pain. Then I did it again and surprise(!) my old friend pain kicked down the door I thought was deadbolted shut. As I winced, my PT, Mike, quickly and patiently reached over and repositioned my shoulder. Ugh, I was embarrassed that after seven months of work, I STILL had to be reminded how to hold my shoulder properly. Duh, should have learned better by now, but as he always tells me, it's muscle memory. Apparently mine have a photographic memory when it comes to doing the wrong thing.
The thing is, for ten+ years I nursed damaged shoulders and severe nerve pain all related to degenerative disc disease in my neck. After neck surgery I had periodic steroid injections, but they only brought temporary relief. The pain was worse on the left side, and I learned to cope by rolling my shoulder forward, literally winging my shoulder blade.
Tearing my rotator cuff added insult to injury. For weeks, the pain was so intense that I couldn't get through a day without a steady supply of pain meds. I finally had a sedated MRI, where the nurse almost killed me with too much medication (true story), but at least the tear was confirmed. A few weeks later, and three days after my mother died, I started PT. It's safe to say I was a mess, with a capital M.E.S.S. Mike noticed but was up to the challenge and has become one of the only health care practitioners who has actually helped me. He is the reason PT has been and continues to be a positive, lifechanging experience. It has admittedly been a slow process because I also developed frozen shoulder and continued to reinjure myself with more falls, seven total in 2021. It has been a vicious cycle of winging it and reinjury over and over again.
Still, I continue to wing it because it FEELS better, not because it IS better.
Thankfully, I am learning SO much about pain and physical health that, at the ripe old age of fifty-one, I am finally learning to listen to what my body is telling me. Some pain is necessary and needs to be worked through to heal; some pain is detrimental and needs to be treated and relieved. The trick is learning to tell the difference. For example, it hurts to pull my shoulder back, to "unwing" it and work on mobilizing it, but it is necessary to reach my goal of unfreezing it and getting back my range of motion. However, acute, sharp, or throbbing pain needs tending. Sometimes with ice, sometimes with pain medicine, but it should always be addressed and not pushed or ignored. I now recognize that my efforts to avoid, ignore and/or protect myself from pain have caused more damage. This past Monday was the first time that I didn't ignore treatable pain and asked for what I needed. It was sweet relief, and I was proud to see even a little progress, proving that you CAN teach an old dog new tricks. I am no longer my own worst enemy.
This journey is long and daunting, longer than this blog post! It often frustrates me, especially when I look back and recognize that I only sought help because I had an obviously terrible injury. Sadly, I chose NOT to treat the nerve pain for a decade because I was not equipped to fight for myself. Years of being brushed off by doctors and physical therapists left me feeling like a whiny wimp, and I was raised not to whine. I grew a thick skin and honed a "suck it up buttercup" mantra, which did me no favors. Finding a skilled, compassionate, and attentive PT has caused me to do a lot of internal reflection and make a lot of positive changes. Things I have heard for ages are finally clicking for me, and I am changing for the better, hopefully permanently. I no longer want to suck it up if the pain can be relieved. Who knew going to PT would be so full of important life lessons?!
A few years ago I read "The Body Keeps the Score". It was eye opening and one of the things that struck me was how emotional pain manifests itself in the body physically. There is an emotional component to physical healing, and a physical component to emotional healing often overlooked, at least in my life. I won't get into the details here, but I will say that as a child, I learned to cope with unspeakable things out of desperation and I sport the emotional and physical scars as a result.
For several years I have been attempting to learn healthier coping skills so that I can take care of my whole self. It feels like I'm trying to climb Mt. Everest in a blizzard, okay maybe not that bad, but it feels insurmountable at times because I am a lot of work! I know I'm not alone. All of us experience triumphs and heartbreaks in this life. We are shaped by good and not so good experiences. In our most acutely painful moments, we are required to do whatever is necessary to cope with the pain. There is nothing wrong with that, it is necessary for survival. But to thrive instead of simply survive, those old self-protective methods must be unlearned. We must be braver than we ever imagined we could be. We must persist and face the pain head on, sometimes pushing through it, and sometimes treating it, but always honoring it, learning from it, and moving forward.
I refuse to be sidelined by ailments that others may dismiss either because they don't know me well, have not suffered the same, or because I hide them well, but I know what I have overcome and the miracle it is that I am still breathing. So, I will hold my head a little higher (partly because I CAN thanks to my PT), and I will continue to reflect on how physical and emotional healing intersect so I can grow into who God imagined me to be at my inception. I hope the same for you.
