Engulfed

Ten years. As the anniversary approaches it feels raw and fresh. I close my eyes as the smoke rises in my memory. A deep breath later, and the acrid smell fills my senses so convincingly that I'm lost. Instantly confused, blinded by toxic smoke, stumbling in the inky blackness. Choking. Suffocating. Burning. Wondering if rescue will arrive before the grim reaper.  

I catch myself and come to my senses just before I start to fall. Heart racing. Terror pounding in my throat. Remembering. Trembling. Thanking God for rescue. Oxygen. Breath.  But still the feeling of being engulfed persists. It haunts. Teases. Tortures.

I have no idea how long I was in that stairwell. It had to be forever that I was suspended in time, falling slowly into the arms of a firefighter, but reality says it happened in seconds. Twenty more and I would not be here. Hard swallow.  

Engulf: so as to surround or cover completely...to overwhelm

The word "engulf" has a negative connotation in my mind. I think of all the times I was engulfed in terrible situations, stuck with no escape, desperate for rescue. Powerful feelings when combined with memories and flashbacks of terrifying things beyond my control completely overwhelm me.  

Yet God's grace is evident even in the severest of mercies. He never leaves me to fend for myself. Instead, he engulfs me with an abundance of beautiful things. Good things. Important things such as unending love. New mercies. Fathomless grace. Abundant hope. Infectious joy. Unearned kindness. Himself. 

 

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This year, instead of letting myself become engulfed in the fear and flashbacks, I am remembering the sweet mercies birthed in incredibly tragic situations.  I am celebrating. Waiting. Thriving. Abiding. Hopeful that God is not finished with me and is leading me to something sweeter than I can imagine. Who knows what I will be doing on day 3653? It's a safe bet that come rain or shine you will find me engulfed in the goodness of God. 

 "Now to him who is able to do immeasurably more than all we ask or imagine..."  Eph 3:20