Recently, as I was
working on my shoulder exercises during a PT visit, I was pretty excited,
prematurely it turns out, that I was accomplishing the movement with minimal
pain. Then I did it again and surprise(!) my old friend pain kicked down
the door I thought was deadbolted shut. As I winced, my PT, Mike, quickly
and patiently reached over and repositioned my shoulder.
Ugh, I was embarrassed that after seven months of
work, I STILL had to be reminded how to hold my shoulder properly. Duh,
should have learned better by now, but as he always tells me, it's muscle
memory. Apparently mine have a photographic
memory when it comes to doing the wrong thing.
The thing is, for ten+
years I nursed damaged shoulders and severe nerve pain all related to
degenerative disc disease in my neck. After neck surgery I had periodic steroid
injections, but they only brought temporary relief. The pain was worse on
the left side, and I learned to cope by rolling my shoulder forward, literally
winging my shoulder blade.
Tearing my rotator cuff
added insult to injury. For weeks, the pain was so intense that I couldn't get
through a day without a steady supply of pain meds. I finally had a
sedated MRI, where the nurse almost killed me with too much medication (true
story), but at least the tear was confirmed. A few weeks later, and three days
after my mother died, I started PT. It's safe to say I was a mess, with a
capital M.E.S.S. Mike noticed but was up to the challenge and
has become one of the only health care practitioners who has actually helped
me. He is the reason PT has been and continues to be a positive,
lifechanging experience. It has admittedly been a slow process because I also
developed frozen shoulder and continued to reinjure myself with more falls,
seven total in 2021. It has been a vicious cycle of winging it and reinjury
over and over again.
Still, I continue to wing it because
it FEELS better, not because it IS better.
Thankfully, I am learning SO much about pain and physical health that, at the ripe old age
of fifty-one, I am finally learning to listen to what my body is telling
me. Some pain is necessary and needs to be worked through to heal; some pain is detrimental and needs to be treated and relieved. The trick is
learning to tell the difference. For example, it hurts to pull my shoulder
back, to "unwing" it and work on mobilizing it, but it is necessary to reach my goal of
unfreezing it and getting back my range of motion. However, acute, sharp, or
throbbing pain needs tending. Sometimes with ice, sometimes with pain medicine,
but it should always be addressed and not pushed or ignored. I now recognize that my
efforts to avoid, ignore and/or protect myself from pain have caused more damage. This past Monday was the first time that I
didn't ignore treatable pain and asked for what I needed. It was sweet relief,
and I was proud to see even a little progress, proving that you CAN teach an
old dog new tricks. I am no longer my own worst enemy.
This journey is long and
daunting, longer than this blog post! It often frustrates me, especially when I look back and recognize
that I only sought help because I had an obviously terrible
injury. Sadly, I chose NOT to treat the nerve
pain for a decade because I was not equipped to fight
for myself. Years of being brushed off by doctors and physical therapists
left me feeling like a whiny wimp, and I was raised not to whine. I grew a
thick skin and honed a "suck it up buttercup" mantra, which did me no
favors. Finding a skilled, compassionate, and attentive PT has
caused me to do a lot of internal reflection and make a lot of positive changes. Things
I have heard for ages are finally clicking for me, and I am changing for the
better, hopefully permanently. I no longer want to suck it up if the pain can be relieved. Who knew going to PT would be so full of important life lessons?!
A few years ago I read
"The Body Keeps the Score". It was eye opening and one of the things that struck me
was how emotional pain manifests itself in the body physically. There is an emotional component to physical healing, and a physical component to emotional healing often overlooked, at least in my life. I won't get into the details here, but I will say that as a child, I learned to cope with unspeakable
things out of desperation and I sport the emotional and physical scars as a
result.
For several years I have
been attempting to learn healthier coping skills so that I can take care of my
whole self. It feels like I'm trying to
climb Mt. Everest in a blizzard, okay maybe not that bad, but it feels insurmountable at times because I am a lot of work! I know I'm not alone. All of us
experience triumphs and heartbreaks in this life. We are shaped by good
and not so good experiences. In our most acutely painful moments, we are required
to do whatever is necessary to cope with the pain. There is nothing
wrong with that, it is necessary for survival. But to thrive
instead of simply survive, those old self-protective methods must be
unlearned. We must be braver than we ever imagined we could be. We must
persist and face the pain head on, sometimes pushing through it, and sometimes
treating it, but always honoring it, learning from it, and moving forward.
I refuse to be sidelined by ailments that others may dismiss either because they don't know me well, have not suffered the same, or because I hide them well, but I know what I have overcome and the miracle it is that I am still breathing. So, I will hold my head a little higher (partly because I CAN thanks to my PT), and I will continue to reflect on how physical and emotional healing intersect so I can grow into who God imagined me to be at my inception. I hope the same for you.
