I had such great expectations when I was young. Expectations of how my life would play out and of who the characters would be.... how many children I would have, how wonderful my husband would be and how perfect I would be as both a wife and mother. (Yes I know, a very idealized view, perhaps almost as idealized as the single lifestyle is by married folks........grass is always greener!) Those expectations were formed in my ultra conservative private school and on Sundays as I was bombarded with the message that they were the nirvana of womanhood. Now that those worthy goals have been shattered by reality I find it hard to keep believing that doctrine.In the pain of accepting both God's and my own choices for my life I cringe when the church teaches that there is no higher calling for a woman than M&M: marriage and motherhood. What does that mean for me, a single and childless woman? The very teaching implies that my life has less value because of my romantic failures and broken body! I'm smart enough to know that the doctrine is a lie but it is so deeply embedded in my soul, and in the soul of the church, that sometimes I live like I still believe it, especially because M&M are the only two things I ever really wanted. Therein lies the problem.
Lately I've been asked repeatedly how I deal with the disappointment and loneliness without extreme bitterness. After one friend asked a variation of that question her husband wisely asked "what makes you think she has?" Nailed it. It's definitely a roller coaster for me, some days are good and some days are very, very bad. As I contemplated the question I remembered the countless nights I've cried myself to sleep; the numerous times I've awakened to the sound of silence, keenly aware that I will not be hearing a baby's cry (who wishes for that right?); or the thousands of times I've arrived home to an empty house with no one to share the dailiness of living. The cold, hard fact is that there is no one who cares about the mundane things in my life like whether or not traffic was terrible; if a patient yelled at me; if I had a delicious lunch; or....you get the idea. Every day I arrive home and face the reality that no one is there for me in the little things, and it's in the little things where I'm the most lonely, and the most susceptible to bitterness.
Today my personal challenge (can't worry about tomorrow's challenge) is to let Christ transform my life into something of value because of who he is. To invite him into the pain and disappointment, into the loneliness and heartbreak instead of denying that they are present. That's a risky proposition because being honest about the excruciating loneliness means that I must be vulnerable to God AND to those he has tasked to love me. Many people are uncomfortable with gut-wrenching honesty or authentic expressions of pain, most just want to "fix" the problem (me) and move on. Thankfully I have found a few people who seem to enjoy the challenge that is me, and actually try to love me when I'm impossible and support me when I'm sad. Each time they do I see a little more clearly how deeply my Savior loves me. My prayer is that as I find peace and healing, I will love those friends as purely and support them as selflessly even when their great expectations give way to reality.
