Arrivederci

I really wanted to write a positive, hopeful post full of sage advice and achievable yet lofty goals, but then I remembered that there is precious little wisdom floating around in my stream of consciousness. And lofty goals? I gave those up after I failed to meet ANY of them in the past decade. Besides, when I TRY to write something meaningful it usually falls into the "what the heck is wrong with that girl?" category, so why bother?

Here's the truth, right now I'm sad because in saying goodbye to the first decade of the 21st century, I'll soon be saying goodbye to my 30s. It's not that turning 40 is all that upsetting - aging IS the goal - and I don't have a death wish. No, it's not the number that bothers me it's not having what I thought I would have by the time that number defined me.

Have you ever heard the saying, "When God closes a door He opens a window"? I guess that's true, except when it isn't. He not only closed the door to my dreams He proceeded to put bars and blackout shades on the windows. And let me tell you, that glass is shatter-proof. The only thing that shattered when I tried to break it was my heart.

Instead of love and marriage and the baby carriage I have, um, well, hm. Oh, oh, oh I have a job and a puppy and a new car!!! All things I love and need, ALL things for which I thank God humbly and frequently, but none of them are the deepest desires of my heart. Don't get me wrong, I do love my job (mostly), and I have amazing friends and many family members close by, but I still live my life in isolation. And my puppy is adorable, affectionate and fun, but he fails to give me the kind of companionship and intelligent conversation I crave. Plus his kisses don't really do it for me, aside from the fact that he isn't human HE EATS HIS OWN POOP. Enough said. To top it off I never did finish college and make something of myself. I just settled into a middle class, dull life that affords me a new car every 10 years or so mixed in with the occasional travel adventure so I don't die of boredom. I've got mediocrity instead of passion and purpose. I often look at my life and wonder, "What's the point?"

This is the spot in the post where I should wrap everything up with a nice little bow. Insert an encouraging Bible verse. Write about how God only has my best interests at heart. State that I'm okay because He's all I need. Sigh. I guess I just don't know how to believe that in this moment of grief. And that's okay. I'm pretty sure that God is much more likely to show himself when I get brutally honest and admit my despair. So off I go to try to figure out how to "do" this life I didn't plan.

I'll end with a link to a blog post that made me laugh until I cried today. The comments are funnier than the blog, and I'm tickled pink that my own comment made an appearance early on. Enjoy!

http://stuffchristianslike.net/2010/01/being-single-during-christmas-at-church/#idc-cover

P.S. - Happy New Year!

39 and Holding

As I find myself staring down the last year of my thirties I wonder how I got here. How did I become the girl who no one loves? This birthday is hitting me harder than I thought it would because, even though I have a year to go, I've accepted the fact that one of my biggest fears is imminent:

I will be single when I turn 40

Gulp. It may not seem like a big deal to anyone else, but it is the death of yet another dream, my most cherished one in fact, and it has shattered my ability to hope. Last year was unkind to me and all I want to do now is crawl under my covers and stay there for a really, really long time. I don't want anyone close to the gaping hole in my heart because it's too painful. I already gave up my dreams of children and a family to call my own, and even though it isn't the end of the world, being an Old Maid is not something I aspired to.

But hey, at least I can hog the remote, spend my money how I choose and set the thermostat where I want.....those are the "positives" my married friends point out to me. Yeah, FYI that's NOT helpful. I do, however, have Europe, and even though I often travel alone I enjoy people watching while sipping tea in an elegant cafe. I also love seeing art that I never see here, and glimpsing history that was left out of World History 101. It's a pleasant break from my life of boredom and I'd rather explore this beautiful world than not, even if I have to do it alone. Do you think it counts if I turn 39 in a foreign country? Can I choose to stay 39 until I get married? If so, I promise I'll give up the remote control without complaining, but money and the thermostat will take some serious negotiations!

Blue Christmas

The holidays have arrived and I should be excited right? It's the most wonderful time of the year, or so says a very rich songwriter. But the excitement is missing for me. Maybe it's the thought of attending another party alone and answering invasive personal questions from people I don't know.

Party Guest: "Hi, nice to meet you. Are you married? Have you ever been married? Do you have kids? NO??? With a questioning glance...."

Me: "That's right, I'm 38 and single, never been married and have no kids. There is obviously something horrifyingly wrong with me as evidenced by your raised eyebrow. Thanks for making me feel even worse about myself. Any other questions?"

Perhaps my blase mood is because Christmas began so early this year. Radio stations began playing Christmas music 24/7 on November 5. We went from the election to Christmas seemingly overnight. It kind of detracts from the magic for me. I like Christmas to feel special but it doesn't feel very special when it lasts for so long. It feels like any ordinary day. And to top it off the greed and consumerism is annoying. I love to give meaningful gifts that will be truly appreciated, but instead I buy gift cards because most people just want the money. It feels cheap and heartless.

And don't even get me started on the decorating, which is something I normally enjoy. For the past 2 weeks my tree has been only partially decorated, sporting a twinkling light/ornament ratio of 1000 to 1. I even plunked down a lot of moolah for some really beautiful ornaments, hoping to be inspired, but nope. If you were to drop by right now you'd see my normally spic and span, uncluttered place in disarray. It's a huge mess, littered with boxes, totes, tissue paper, glitter and unwrapped gifts. Worse still, I don't even care. If my sink were full of dishes I'd be concerned that I was suffering from Major Depressive Disorder, but so far it's clean.

What to do? I miss the enthusiasm I normally feel. I miss watching cheesy Christmas movies. I miss listening to carols. I miss baking and decorating and wrapping carefully chosen gifts. But, C'est la vie. It ebbs and flows regardless of the season. It just feels a little blue this year. So instead of focusing on my unrealized expectations I'm going to start focusing on the truth of the season. Salvation has come, reconciliation is possible, hope is renewed. That's the truth, thanks be to God.

Great Expectations

I had such great expectations when I was young. Expectations of how my life would play out and of who the characters would be.... how many children I would have, how wonderful my husband would be and how perfect I would be as both a wife and mother. (Yes I know, a very idealized view, perhaps almost as idealized as the single lifestyle is by married folks........grass is always greener!) Those expectations were formed in my ultra conservative private school and on Sundays as I was bombarded with the message that they were the nirvana of womanhood. Now that those worthy goals have been shattered by reality I find it hard to keep believing that doctrine.

In the pain of accepting both God's and my own choices for my life I cringe when the church teaches that there is no higher calling for a woman than M&M: marriage and motherhood. What does that mean for me, a single and childless woman? The very teaching implies that my life has less value because of my romantic failures and broken body! I'm smart enough to know that the doctrine is a lie but it is so deeply embedded in my soul, and in the soul of the church, that sometimes I live like I still believe it, especially because M&M are the only two things I ever really wanted. Therein lies the problem.

Lately I've been asked repeatedly how I deal with the disappointment and loneliness without extreme bitterness. After one friend asked a variation of that question her husband wisely asked "what makes you think she has?" Nailed it. It's definitely a roller coaster for me, some days are good and some days are very, very bad. As I contemplated the question I remembered the countless nights I've cried myself to sleep; the numerous times I've awakened to the sound of silence, keenly aware that I will not be hearing a baby's cry (who wishes for that right?); or the thousands of times I've arrived home to an empty house with no one to share the dailiness of living. The cold, hard fact is that there is no one who cares about the mundane things in my life like whether or not traffic was terrible; if a patient yelled at me; if I had a delicious lunch; or....you get the idea. Every day I arrive home and face the reality that no one is there for me in the little things, and it's in the little things where I'm the most lonely, and the most susceptible to bitterness.

Today my personal challenge (can't worry about tomorrow's challenge) is to let Christ transform my life into something of value because of who he is. To invite him into the pain and disappointment, into the loneliness and heartbreak instead of denying that they are present. That's a risky proposition because being honest about the excruciating loneliness means that I must be vulnerable to God AND to those he has tasked to love me. Many people are uncomfortable with gut-wrenching honesty or authentic expressions of pain, most just want to "fix" the problem (me) and move on. Thankfully I have found a few people who seem to enjoy the challenge that is me, and actually try to love me when I'm impossible and support me when I'm sad. Each time they do I see a little more clearly how deeply my Savior loves me. My prayer is that as I find peace and healing, I will love those friends as purely and support them as selflessly even when their great expectations give way to reality.

A Moment to Myself

It's interesting how my friends who are married with children view my life. They come into my home and admire my "things". They comment on how clean and pretty my abode is. They look longingly at breakables prominently displayed on the coffee table. They must imagine that I walk into my home each evening and sigh contentedly, thrilled at the prospect of having a moment to myself after a long day. Sometimes that's true, sometimes I am so drained by my day that I do enjoy the peace and quiet of my space. It's unique and beautiful and quiet and clean, but equally empty of love and passion and purpose. Every day I wake up and face the world completely alone. Yes, I know I have God, family and friends, but trust me when I tell you, they don't quite fill the longing for companionship, affection or intimacy!

So I try to figure out ways to give of myself to others. I try to engage my coworkers, be present for friends and let the people I love know that they are important and special. But what I wish they would realize is that loneliness can be suffocating and while every one craves a moment alone, most people do not crave a lifetime of moments alone, and a lifetime is what I have.