They say everything is bigger in Texas, and I'm tired of lending credence to that statement. It is time for my battle of the bulge to end. I mean, the other morning when I woke up I was confused because I thought someone was in bed with me - but it wasn't someone else, IT WAS MY STOMACH!!!! THAT IS JUST GROSS!!!! I am not one of those women who loves herself no matter what she looks like - I FIRMLY (pun intended) believe that blubber should NOT be my fashion statement.
However, in admitting that I am in the midst of this battle, I have to say that I am worried about about what you will think. By telling you that I am trying to lose weight - AGAIN - I risk failing - AGAIN. And I HATE failing at any time, particularly in public. Failure haunts me. Especially when I try so hard, but just can't seem to get it right. Facing my failures in front of others is so - well - vulnerable. And those of you who know me well know how I feel about that! :)
It took me years to figure out why I was hiding beneath so many layers of fat. Of course I have many excuses (some are REALLY good too), but just recently I finally realized that in trying to control everyone and every circumstance in my life, I had failed to control myself. (Thanks home group and Cloud and Townsend!)
So now I am faced with a huge (literally) challenge. I must lose weight not just for my physical health, but also because I want to stop hiding. If I can't be beautiful, I would at least like to pass for cute again! But now it's scarier because gravity is involved. Certain things will never go back to where they used to reside! I've accepted the fact that I will not be skinny. I expect to have some leftover flab and cellulite. I know that the stretch marks aren't going away; I would say that they're more like a road map of all the places my body and I have been, some of which were really good, (I definitely don't regret all of the gelato and pasta I ate in Italy!)
I want my outside to match my inside and so far, so good. I am down 12 pounds as of this morning. I walk for at least 30 minutes every day, rain or shine. I am eating a balanced diet full of veggies and lean protein. I have cut back on cheese (sniff, sniff) and limited my diet soda intake to 2 a day (I DO blow that from time to time.) I also allow myself one square of extra dark chocolate every night. I plan my "cheat" days and I already know that on February 14, 2008 I will eat whatever I want! Maybe the good habits will actually stick this time.....
Overall I feel energized and happy. Each time someone notices that I have lost weight I do the dance of joy (INSIDE my head, I NEVER dance in public since I resemble Elaine from Seinfeld!!!) By surrounding myself with people who love me despite my physical flaws and obvious failures, I have found the courage to try to improve myself. Thank you for being part of my journey. Thank you for encouraging me and reminding me that I am too hard on myself. Thank you for making me feel special and loved and known. Thank you for helping me fight this battle - I couldn't do it without you.
However, in admitting that I am in the midst of this battle, I have to say that I am worried about about what you will think. By telling you that I am trying to lose weight - AGAIN - I risk failing - AGAIN. And I HATE failing at any time, particularly in public. Failure haunts me. Especially when I try so hard, but just can't seem to get it right. Facing my failures in front of others is so - well - vulnerable. And those of you who know me well know how I feel about that! :)
It took me years to figure out why I was hiding beneath so many layers of fat. Of course I have many excuses (some are REALLY good too), but just recently I finally realized that in trying to control everyone and every circumstance in my life, I had failed to control myself. (Thanks home group and Cloud and Townsend!)
So now I am faced with a huge (literally) challenge. I must lose weight not just for my physical health, but also because I want to stop hiding. If I can't be beautiful, I would at least like to pass for cute again! But now it's scarier because gravity is involved. Certain things will never go back to where they used to reside! I've accepted the fact that I will not be skinny. I expect to have some leftover flab and cellulite. I know that the stretch marks aren't going away; I would say that they're more like a road map of all the places my body and I have been, some of which were really good, (I definitely don't regret all of the gelato and pasta I ate in Italy!)
I want my outside to match my inside and so far, so good. I am down 12 pounds as of this morning. I walk for at least 30 minutes every day, rain or shine. I am eating a balanced diet full of veggies and lean protein. I have cut back on cheese (sniff, sniff) and limited my diet soda intake to 2 a day (I DO blow that from time to time.) I also allow myself one square of extra dark chocolate every night. I plan my "cheat" days and I already know that on February 14, 2008 I will eat whatever I want! Maybe the good habits will actually stick this time.....
Overall I feel energized and happy. Each time someone notices that I have lost weight I do the dance of joy (INSIDE my head, I NEVER dance in public since I resemble Elaine from Seinfeld!!!) By surrounding myself with people who love me despite my physical flaws and obvious failures, I have found the courage to try to improve myself. Thank you for being part of my journey. Thank you for encouraging me and reminding me that I am too hard on myself. Thank you for making me feel special and loved and known. Thank you for helping me fight this battle - I couldn't do it without you.
