A Transparent Life

trans-par-ent
-adjective


1. so sheer as to permit light to pass through; diaphanous.
2. easily seen through, recognized, or detected.
3. manifest; obvious.
4. open; frank; candid.

Remember how fun it used to be to play hide and seek as a child? As I was watching my friend's son "hide" a few weeks ago, I was struck by how much more effort he put in to being found than to staying hidden. He made noise, he moved furniture, he giggled - he didn't REALLY want to stay hidden....he wanted to be found! And once he was found there was great excitement, sure he hid again but only because he knew (hoped?) that someone would find him. As any child will tell you, hiding isn't fun if no one ever finds you.

So I've been trying to figure out the ways that I hide, and while too detailed to list on a public blog, it's obvious that pretending is one of the biggest ways I conceal myself. I'm a master. I may not excel in much but by golly I've figured out how to hide without being found! Now you may chuckle because you think that you can "accurately" read me, but I can assure you you're wrong at least 90% of the time. I'm really good at letting you believe what you want to believe about me. It takes years for most people to realize that they never had me figured out to begin with. So now I'm trying to be honest.....at least with my closest friends.....when they ask direct questions.....and keep asking until I spill it..... Maybe someday I'll be less complicated and easier to handle!

In the meantime I'm doing a lot of wondering. How do I live more transparently? What does that even mean? What does it look like? It can't mean spilling my guts to every person I know, but I'm convinced that it needs to involve more honesty on my part; it needs to involve letting those closest to me find me as I deal with the fallout of living in a broken world. But first I have to become transparent, so the light of Christ can shine through me, so that the truth of who I am CAN be seen, which is impossible if I'm blocking the light by refusing to open the door to the reality that comes knocking every morning. Transparency requires that I let people see the often ugly truth, not a mirage of perfection.

If the truth, meaning the person of Christ, will "set me free", why am I so afraid? Why are any of us afraid? Perhaps revealing ourselves to mortals is frightening because we judge each other more harshly that God does. And we don't love selflessly. And we don't truly understand grace. My prayer for 2009 is that I become a woman whose transparency allows the beauty of Christ's light to shine through me. A woman who offers the love, grace and mercy to others that God offers so freely to me. A woman who loves freely, even when it hurts. There will be times when I selfishly decide to hide to protect myself from the sting of disappointment. There will be times when I will love in an effort to have my own needs met. There will be many times when I will react in anger instead of love. But, I have a beacon of hope already in me, the light of life, the truth. I just have to open the door so He can shine through. Hopefully you'll experience more of him through me in 2009. That's my prayer.

Battle of the Bulge - Texas Style

They say everything is bigger in Texas, and I'm tired of lending credence to that statement. It is time for my battle of the bulge to end. I mean, the other morning when I woke up I was confused because I thought someone was in bed with me - but it wasn't someone else, IT WAS MY STOMACH!!!! THAT IS JUST GROSS!!!! I am not one of those women who loves herself no matter what she looks like - I FIRMLY (pun intended) believe that blubber should NOT be my fashion statement.

However, in admitting that I am in the midst of this battle, I have to say that I am worried about about what you will think. By telling you that I am trying to lose weight - AGAIN - I risk failing - AGAIN. And I HATE failing at any time, particularly in public. Failure haunts me. Especially when I try so hard, but just can't seem to get it right. Facing my failures in front of others is so - well - vulnerable. And those of you who know me well know how I feel about that! :)

It took me years to figure out why I was hiding beneath so many layers of fat. Of course I have many excuses (some are REALLY good too), but just recently I finally realized that in trying to control everyone and every circumstance in my life, I had failed to control myself. (Thanks home group and Cloud and Townsend!)

So now I am faced with a huge (literally) challenge. I must lose weight not just for my physical health, but also because I want to stop hiding. If I can't be beautiful, I would at least like to pass for cute again! But now it's scarier because gravity is involved. Certain things will never go back to where they used to reside! I've accepted the fact that I will not be skinny. I expect to have some leftover flab and cellulite. I know that the stretch marks aren't going away; I would say that they're more like a road map of all the places my body and I have been, some of which were really good, (I definitely don't regret all of the gelato and pasta I ate in Italy!)

I want my outside to match my inside and so far, so good. I am down 12 pounds as of this morning. I walk for at least 30 minutes every day, rain or shine. I am eating a balanced diet full of veggies and lean protein. I have cut back on cheese (sniff, sniff) and limited my diet soda intake to 2 a day (I DO blow that from time to time.) I also allow myself one square of extra dark chocolate every night. I plan my "cheat" days and I already know that on February 14, 2008 I will eat whatever I want! Maybe the good habits will actually stick this time.....

Overall I feel energized and happy. Each time someone notices that I have lost weight I do the dance of joy (INSIDE my head, I NEVER dance in public since I resemble Elaine from Seinfeld!!!) By surrounding myself with people who love me despite my physical flaws and obvious failures, I have found the courage to try to improve myself. Thank you for being part of my journey. Thank you for encouraging me and reminding me that I am too hard on myself. Thank you for making me feel special and loved and known. Thank you for helping me fight this battle - I couldn't do it without you.