I snapped this photo while my sister-in-law and I were running away from a stray golf ball on the 16th hole of the Old Course at St. Andrews in Scotland. It makes me laugh even now because golf seems like such a "safe" sport. But I can promise you that "safe" was not the word I was uttering as that little white ball was making a beeline for my head!
The sign could easily be changed to read:
"DANGER Life in Progress"
Lately, life has felt dangerous to me. Living all alone in a big city, trying to make my way in a terribly cruel world, it has all left me feeling vulnerable. Petty theft has invaded my world twice in the past month, and although the items stolen were unimportant in the grand scheme of life, it doesn't change the fact that I'm sleeping a little less soundly lately. I hear every creak of this old building, every branch hitting my window as the wind sweeps through the night. I imagine every noise to be a prowler and I find myself running down the stairs to triple check my doors, only to discover that yes, they were already locked.
Maybe it's a cultural thing, but I was born into this world expecting to be protected. Instead, many events in my life have left me exposed to the evil that lurks in the darkness. There are days when fear gnaws at my soul with such intensity that I am left drained by the fight to maintain faith and some semblance of sanity. I can sense it coming, the pit of my stomach burning, my body shivering, hyperventilating. Every wink of sleep is chased away by its presence. Every sensible, logical thought is blown away like the dust in the wind.
Yet, when I grab the hand of my Father, I am able to merge the two worlds of faith and fear. I have found that they can walk nicely together, hand in hand when I just breathe. It doesn't mean I will necessarily get everything - or anything - that I want, and it doesn't mean that I will not experience more trauma or pain. It just means that I don't have to worry. I serve and intimately know a sovereign God who loves me more than I am capable of loving myself or anyone else. I will probably stumble, and I know that my struggle with fear will continue but day by day I see myself growing into a woman filled with peace and hope, even in the midst of such ugliness.
FAITH AND FEAR - I suppose my faith would not mean as much if I hadn't struggled so intensely with fear. Ironic isn't it?
