Always the Bridesmaid......

I've worn many colors of bridesmaids dresses over the years. There was the deep emerald green taffeta dress with a pillbox hat, the sea foam green satin dress with white lace gloves, the peach satin and white tulle confection with pearls and the royal blue strapless raw silk dress with a bolero jacket. But, blue seems to be the most appropriate (and ironic) color choice for ONCE AGAIN walking down the isle as the bridesmaid and not the bride.

I've tried to find love and romance. I've gone to church functions frequented by singles, I've endured E-Harmony and Match.com, I've "put myself out there" so to speak. There have even been a few (VERY few) men in my life, but ultimately no one was captured by my particular brand of "beauty" and personality.... As much as I sometimes (okay, often) struggle with loneliness and isolation, I think I struggle more with judgment from others about WHY I'm still achingly alone.

The following is an example of the advice I've received. It's funny, unless I'm experiencing PMS.....

DISCLAIMER: If you are NOT single and have offered this advice to me, please know that I FORGIVE YOU, just as I hope you forgive me for all of the advice I've tried to offer about marriage..... :)

STAGES OF ADVICE:

AGE 18-22: Enjoy your freedom, you don't need a boyfriend right now, you have your whole life ahead of you! Don't worry.
AGE 23-26: Do you have a boyfriend? No? Don't worry about it, you'll meet someone when the time is right.
AGE 27-30: Who are you dating? No one? How do you meet men? Don't worry, you'll meet someone, there's someone for everyone. You're still young.
AGE 31-34: Have you thought about getting married? Do you want children? Have you tried a dating service? Maybe you could meet someone while taking a class. Try not to worry, you still have time.
AGE 35+: Ummmm, are you seeing anyone? Don't you want to get married and have a family? You could try wearing sexy shoes, and make sure you don't leave the house without makeup. You could lose weight and change your hair. Remember, you never get a second chance to make a first impression. Maybe you're too picky (my personal fave....) Maybe you should change "XYZ" about yourself (implying that I'm obviously not good enough or approachable enough the way I am and my flaws are exceedingly worse than anyone else's who has found love.) The good news is that women get married and have children in their 40s all the time now, and you're not in your 40s yet! But if it doesn't happen for you, remember you're single for a reason, God has a plan, and besides Jesus will be your husband..... (FYI - that's my hot button, don't say that to me unless you are prepared for a fight.) The message I hear is "IT'S TIME TO WORRY!"

So, worry is what I do. I worry that I'm not pretty enough, not smart enough, not thin enough, not funny enough, not emotionally healthy enough, not worthy enough, not pure enough. And, realistically speaking I'm right. I am never enough in and of myself. I'm fallen, and flawed, and EXTREMELY complicated, not to mention moody and independent. I'm quirky and opinionated and kind of nerdy. But everyday I reach the end of myself and in that process I become a little more of who God made me to be. And you know what? I'm still me, just a little softer and less stressed about being perfect. A little more humble, a little less judgmental, a little more of a reflection of my savior. A little better at intimacy, a little kinder, a little more compassionate. I'm more than I was because God's grace and love is enough when mine can't be.