trans-par-ent
-adjective
1. so sheer as to permit light to pass through; diaphanous.
2. easily seen through, recognized, or detected.
3. manifest; obvious.
4. open; frank; candid.
Remember how fun it used to be to play hide and seek as a child? As I was watching my friend's son "hide" a few weeks ago, I was struck by how much more effort he put in to being found than to staying hidden. He made noise, he moved furniture, he giggled - he didn't REALLY want to stay hidden....he wanted to be found! And once he was found there was great excitement, sure he hid again but only because he knew (hoped?) that someone would find him. As any child will tell you, hiding isn't fun if no one ever finds you.
So I've been trying to figure out the ways that I hide, and while too detailed to list on a public blog, it's obvious that pretending is one of the biggest ways I conceal myself. I'm a master. I may not excel in much but by golly I've figured out how to hide without being found! Now you may chuckle because you think that you can "accurately" read me, but I can assure you you're wrong at least 90% of the time. I'm really good at letting you believe what you want to believe about me. It takes years for most people to realize that they never had me figured out to begin with. So now I'm trying to be honest.....at least with my closest friends.....when they ask direct questions.....and keep asking until I spill it..... Maybe someday I'll be less complicated and easier to handle!
In the meantime I'm doing a lot of wondering. How do I live more transparently? What does that even mean? What does it look like? It can't mean spilling my guts to every person I know, but I'm convinced that it needs to involve more honesty on my part; it needs to involve letting those closest to me find me as I deal with the fallout of living in a broken world. But first I have to become transparent, so the light of Christ can shine through me, so that the truth of who I am CAN be seen, which is impossible if I'm blocking the light by refusing to open the door to the reality that comes knocking every morning. Transparency requires that I let people see the often ugly truth, not a mirage of perfection.
If the truth, meaning the person of Christ, will "set me free", why am I so afraid? Why are any of us afraid? Perhaps revealing ourselves to mortals is frightening because we judge each other more harshly that God does. And we don't love selflessly. And we don't truly understand grace. My prayer for 2009 is that I become a woman whose transparency allows the beauty of Christ's light to shine through me. A woman who offers the love, grace and mercy to others that God offers so freely to me. A woman who loves freely, even when it hurts. There will be times when I selfishly decide to hide to protect myself from the sting of disappointment. There will be times when I will love in an effort to have my own needs met. There will be many times when I will react in anger instead of love. But, I have a beacon of hope already in me, the light of life, the truth. I just have to open the door so He can shine through. Hopefully you'll experience more of him through me in 2009. That's my prayer.
