Dancing in the Rain

Several years ago, long before my Texas nieces and nephews cared about their hair or clothes, or whether they were cool or uncool, before the angst of adolescence settled over them, we used to dance in the rain. 

As the first drop fell we would excitedly run outside to twirl and dance in the grass, arms lifted, mouths open, tongues catching raindrops, all the while giggling and splashing with total abandon. It was glorious to play in the cool, refreshing shower and always left us giddy and breathless.  We would smile for hours afterward as we sat snuggled on the sofa, covered in beach towels, watching cartoons and sipping cocoa.

For those brief moments, I allowed myself to indulge in carefree spontaneity.  I would spin, laugh and totally lose myself in sheer delight, blissfully unconcerned with what anyone else thought.  It was a simple joy shared with kids who meant the world to me.  Of all the things I've done with them over the past 17 years, dancing in the rain is one of my most cherished memories. 

There's something healing and beautiful about a child's ability to enjoy the simplest things in life. Dancing with my nieces and nephews was the closest I've ever been to finding that ability in myself, to finding that innocent little girl of whom I have no memory all these years later.   

Lately there has been something stirring inside my soul, something unidentified trying to burst through my practical, reserved demeanor. I find myself yearning to dance in the rain again, both physically and spiritually.  I have no idea what it will look like, but I know I don't want to do it alone.  So if you're a brave, carefree soul and have any ideas, let me know and we'll find ways to dance with abandon, even if it isn't raining!

Arrivederci

I really wanted to write a positive, hopeful post full of sage advice and achievable yet lofty goals, but then I remembered that there is precious little wisdom floating around in my stream of consciousness. And lofty goals? I gave those up after I failed to meet ANY of them in the past decade. Besides, when I TRY to write something meaningful it usually falls into the "what the heck is wrong with that girl?" category, so why bother?

Here's the truth, right now I'm sad because in saying goodbye to the first decade of the 21st century, I'll soon be saying goodbye to my 30s. It's not that turning 40 is all that upsetting - aging IS the goal - and I don't have a death wish. No, it's not the number that bothers me it's not having what I thought I would have by the time that number defined me.

Have you ever heard the saying, "When God closes a door He opens a window"? I guess that's true, except when it isn't. He not only closed the door to my dreams He proceeded to put bars and blackout shades on the windows. And let me tell you, that glass is shatter-proof. The only thing that shattered when I tried to break it was my heart.

Instead of love and marriage and the baby carriage I have, um, well, hm. Oh, oh, oh I have a job and a puppy and a new car!!! All things I love and need, ALL things for which I thank God humbly and frequently, but none of them are the deepest desires of my heart. Don't get me wrong, I do love my job (mostly), and I have amazing friends and many family members close by, but I still live my life in isolation. And my puppy is adorable, affectionate and fun, but he fails to give me the kind of companionship and intelligent conversation I crave. Plus his kisses don't really do it for me, aside from the fact that he isn't human HE EATS HIS OWN POOP. Enough said. To top it off I never did finish college and make something of myself. I just settled into a middle class, dull life that affords me a new car every 10 years or so mixed in with the occasional travel adventure so I don't die of boredom. I've got mediocrity instead of passion and purpose. I often look at my life and wonder, "What's the point?"

This is the spot in the post where I should wrap everything up with a nice little bow. Insert an encouraging Bible verse. Write about how God only has my best interests at heart. State that I'm okay because He's all I need. Sigh. I guess I just don't know how to believe that in this moment of grief. And that's okay. I'm pretty sure that God is much more likely to show himself when I get brutally honest and admit my despair. So off I go to try to figure out how to "do" this life I didn't plan.

I'll end with a link to a blog post that made me laugh until I cried today. The comments are funnier than the blog, and I'm tickled pink that my own comment made an appearance early on. Enjoy!

http://stuffchristianslike.net/2010/01/being-single-during-christmas-at-church/#idc-cover

P.S. - Happy New Year!

Circle of Life

Years ago when I was a 9-year-old girl something magical happened. My oldest brother and his wife became the parents of a beautiful baby girl. She was christened Andrea Jane and in that moment I became the most ridiculously proud "child" aunt the world had ever seen.

I bragged and BRAGGED about her to all of my friends. No one else in my clique had yet enjoyed the privilege of being an aunt, and I was obnoxiously vocal about my new role. Not that I got to see her much since she lived 4 hours away and I was just a child myself, but no matter, my title was permanent. When we moved to the same town as my brother and his family I was able to spend more time enjoying the wonders of her toddler hood, and before long we welcomed her baby brother, Tyler into the world. Their adorable faces and amazing spirits captured me and I believed with all of my heart that motherhood was on the horizon for me, and I couldn't wait. Little did I know that the waiting would be bitter and endless.

10 years ago this month I was diagnosed with a condition that makes conceiving children close to impossible and carrying a child to term risky and difficult at best. My case was more severe and the doctor said it was unlikely that I would ever be able to conceive, even with the help of medical science. I was 29 at the time and the news sent me into a tailspin. No one quite understood what I knew in my heart. I would never experience pregnancy. I would never feel the flutter of a new life kicking and wiggling in my womb. I would never gaze with wonder on a child I helped create. Never. I was devastated.

For many years I struggled to live life with the knowledge that my dearest dream would never be fulfilled. I tucked away the disappointment and threw myself into being the best aunt I could be. Each time I held one of my nieces or nephews in my arms I was amazed that I shared DNA with such perfect and amazing creatures. Babies are wondrous with their tiny fingers and toes, gurgles, fragility, scent. And oh how I adore 3-year-olds, and 8-year-olds, and, who am I kidding I adore ALL of them! When they're near it proves to me that even though I'll never know the pure love a mother feels for her child I still have a small part in the circle of life.

Now the circle has expanded. My niece, whom I once held in my own tiny arms now holds her own child. She gave birth to Jonathan a few weeks ago. He is perfect and beautiful, a wonderful combination of his proud mommy and daddy. His arrival made me a great-aunt, and I cried tears of joy when I saw the first photo of him gazing at his daddy. Of course I also cried when I saw him resting peacefully in his granny's arms, and when I saw the real smile on my brother's face as he held his first grandchild.

Andrea, Tyler, Bethany, Cody, Bryce, Kaitlyn, Kyle, Zachary and now Jonathan. All miracles. All amazing. All part of my circle.