20 Seconds to Toast

A little less that three weeks ago my downstairs neighbor came home from work after midnight and decided to fry potatoes.  After getting them started he took his computer, sat down in his living room to surf the net and promptly fell asleep.  Due to a severe hearing problem he did not hear his smoke alarm go off and when he finally awakened to the smell of smoke, there was a small fire already spreading in the kitchen. He panicked and attempted to put out the grease fire by spraying it with water.  It was the worst mistake he could have made.  The fire erupted, catching the rest of the kitchen, dining room and hallway on fire.  Instead of dialing 911 he tried to find a fire extinguisher, wasting precious seconds. Finally he called for help and firefighters were dispatched.  He grabbed his laptop and went outside, leaving the front door open as he fled.  He proceeded to lean against the tree waiting for help, while his neighbors slept, unaware of what was happening.  

Meanwhile a neighbor living on the other side of the complex heard popping noises and thought that a car was being vandalized.  He went outside and saw the flames and immediately called 911 while his wife called my next door neighbor to tell him to get out.  She didn't have my number but screamed my name repeatedly to attempt to awaken me.  I never heard her.  My next door neighbor called me but my phone volume was off and I was blissfully asleep, completely unaware that a fire was now raging below me as he screamed into his phone for me to get out.

Just a few minutes later Zeus awakened me, acting like he had made a mess.  It was 2:00 am and I was groggy but got up to see if I needed to clean up after him.  He followed me with his tail down, obviously very upset. Then I noticed the smell of burning plastic and began to look around.  I could not find anything upstairs so I went down and continued looking.  Then I noticed that the apartment was hazy and just as I got to the back patio door and saw flames shooting up my smoke alarm began blaring.

I dialed 911 in a panic and was told that firefighters were on their way.  I heard their sirens as they pulled up and in near hysteria begged the operator for help.  He told me I had to leave the apartment immediately.  I told him there were flames shooting up my patio so he told me to go to the front door.  If it was cool I was to open it and escape down the front stairs.  I opened it and was overcome with thick, black smoke.  I quickly slammed it shut and told him there was too much smoke.  He told me I had no choice but to leave immediately, the fire was out of control and I had to get out.  I was terrified and forgot everything I had ever learned about fire safety.  A moist wash cloth to cover my face?  It never even occurred to me.  Crouch and stay low?  Are you kidding me?  I just wanted to run.  I couldn't fathom how I could stay low as I was going down a flight of stairs.  Unfortunately I had no alternative but to try to get out so I grabbed my dog and my purse, put on some flip flops and opened the door.  

A thick wall of billowing smoke greeted me as I opened the door again and being in a panic I was gasping instead of holding my breath.  I was immediately disoriented as I breathed the toxic fumes and could not figure out where I was in relation to my apartment, even though I had just stepped outside of my front door.  I was confused about whether I had gone down any stairs; I simply could not tell up from down or right from left.  As I tried to descend the first section of stairs I was losing consciousness and began to fall, quickly grabbing the railing which was fiery hot from the smoke, unaware that I burned my fingers.  I screamed at the 911 operator, asking why no one was helping me and then dropped the phone.  My last conscious thought was that I was going to die on the landing, and how I now knew why smoke inhalation killed so quickly.  I was just steps from clean air and safety but I couldn't see it or get to it and I could no longer breathe.  Had the firefighters not been rushing up the stairs to get me, it is likely that Zeus and I would have died.

It was a terrifying experience that left me in shock for several days.  I've had many nightmares from being trapped in the smoke, trying to get to safety only to crumble in a heap on the landing, poisoned by toxic smoke.  I've shed many tears and lost my lunch more than once at the thought of how close I came to dying a tragic death.   It was a sobering reminder that life is fragile and precious when I was told that firefighters said that I was "20 seconds to toast".   Yikes. 

There are many pieces to pick up in order for me to rebuild.  Everything I own was either damaged or destroyed.  My physical health has suffered and I still have a nagging cough and bronchitis triggered by breathing so much smoke.  For almost 2 weeks I coughed up black soot and nursed my charred fingers, trying to be thankful that I was not crispy, but only lightly toasted...

There are so many more things to share about the aftermath that I will post later.  Suffice it to say that the last 3 1/2 months of my life have been almost more than I can bear.  Neurosurgery, a layoff, unemployment, a new job and now a fire have left me wounded, raw and exhausted.  Yet I'm grateful for a God who walks with me, a community of people who love, serve, challenge and care for me despite my circumstances, and last but not least a little hero who made sure I was awake and saved both of us from certain death.  More than ever I am happy to be alive despite the circumstances of late, aware that at any given time I am no more than 20 seconds to toast.

It's Not (All) About Me

It's not all about me - um, yeah I keep being reminded of that annoying little fact over and over again. Apparently I have a very short memory when it comes to remembering how to live selflessly in this big, bad world. Of course, being single AND childless lends itself to a higher level of narcissism because there are fewer people making demands of my time and energy; if I'm not careful I become so focused on MY interests and MY needs that I fail to even try and meet the needs of those around me.

In really taking stock of my life I know that even if I never get to be the kind of "life-giver" I've always wanted to be, read: WIFE & MOMMY; I should still give life in other ways, and I NEED to, otherwise my existence feels meaningless. Most of the ways I try to give life are subtle, like staying connected to family.....being present for and spending time with my nieces and nephews.....nurturing friendships by striving to be vulnerable, loyal and gracious. Those things are important and take a great deal of time and emotional energy (especially the vulnerable and gracious parts, I often fail miserably in those departments!) Yet, I long to do more, and the reality is that I CAN do more without sacrificing the time and space I need to recharge and stay connected to Christ so I can truly live my faith.

So, I've begun volunteering again thanks to my friend Lizzo. Tuesday nights are now devoted to assisting her teach English as a Second Language (ESL) to refugees from Somalia. It's a humbling experience and one that makes my heart beat a little faster and adds a spring to my step. We've been on a break for the holidays and I've really missed those ladies. Seeing them arrive in their traditional, colorful outfits; babies slung across their backs. Learning the ABC's of our language while simultaneously adapting to a culture that is vastly different from their own. And the men, so proud of their achievements, making each lesson a competition, smiling like little boys when they say the right word. Oh, and the kids, so curious and wide-eyed and snuggly, with huge, welcoming smiles.....I could spend every second just adoring them.

As I watch them, these amazingly beautiful people from a tribe forced into slave labor during their country's ongoing civil war, I wonder. How did they survive to find joy and happiness again? Do they struggle against the sting of bitterness at all they have lost? How do they manage to live here, in the land of excess and keep their priorities focused on their families? Do they awaken to nightmares as memories of the past invade their sleep? Do they struggle with fear and anger? Or do they just rest in loving each other because they have suffered much and know that their families and communities are what matter most? It's funny, because even though I am one of their "teachers" (I use that term VERY loosely!) I can see that in answering my questions they will teach me more than I will ever teach them. Life really is ironic.

The Elf Louise Christmas Project

If you're unfamiliar with Elf Louise you can click on this link to read about the organization's philosophy: http://www.elflouise.com/philosophy.php

Last night I took a turn volunteering with Elf Louise after a friend (Hi Becky) who is on the Board sent out a very nice, non-desperate sounding email in November requesting help at the Checkers' table. And I, being a nice elf and all (minus the funny hat and pointy shoes) decided that I would like to play a game of checkers, er, I mean participate in something honorable this year. So I left work a little early (although, just in case my boss reads this let me clarify that I've been working extra from home, so I'm still putting in my hours.....) and made my way to a 50,000 sq. foot warehouse full of toys waiting to be chosen as gifts for underprivileged kids in our local community.

Now Becky had already warned me that the warehouse had no heat and no air conditioning, therefore I should dress in layers and wear COMFORTABLE shoes (hence the reason my cute elf shoes stayed in the closet.) I arrived in jeans, a pullover fleece top and tennis shoes ready for my 3 1/2 hour shift in the cold, but turns out that Jack Frost forgot to drop by so I spent 3 1/2 hours working in the heat, wearing fleece.... I also arrived expecting 9 other people to be helping, but there were only 5, and only one with experience, the rest of us were Elf Louise virgins. Curiously enough, my "friend" failed to mention how physically demanding the position of "Checker" would be. Now, I have been working out, I'm strong and I walk several miles a week, but I was WHOLLY unprepared for the 4 hour cardio workout I received. Seriously, by the end of the night I was a sweaty and stinky mess - my hair was matted and damp, my makeup was gone and I smelled like a Greek in August, and as Stephanie can tell you, THAT AIN'T PRETTY. But ask me if I'd do it again and I'd say yes in a heartbeat.

There is something deeply satisfying in the act of giving and doing something selfless for others, especially underprivileged children who didn't create their circumstances. Yes, I know our culture is greedy and saturated with "stuff" and most of us have everything we need and much of what we want. And even our poor have an overabundance that much of the world lacks. But, I also know that the little kids who will receive these gifts may not receive anything else this year. And they will be excited to receive a toy that hasn't belonged to anyone else. They will be delighted with the dolls and trucks and musical instruments and High School Musical trinkets. They will love their new teddy bears to death and will grow up with the knowledge that somebody, somewhere cared enough to give them a little bit of joy this year. Sadly, there will be some who do not fully appreciate the gifts, but I'm not willing to take the risk of one innocent child receiving nothing in order to weed out the greedy. I'll let God deal with those matters and I'll continue to be a part of things that make our community a better place to live.

So thanks Becky for all of your years of service, I know you've been volunteering since you were a Girl Scout and you and your family have given selflessly to this and many other causes consistently. Thanks for letting me be a part of something so magical. Thanks for letting me see the faces of awkward, adorable 12-year-old boys as they brought their interestingly wrapped gifts to the table for inspection and bagging. Thanks for letting me watch the "too cool for school" teenagers as they gave a little bit of themselves and realized that they were participating in something special. Thanks for letting me watch mothers teach their children how to give to others who truly want for things that they take for granted. Thank you for letting me give of myself. It was a great night, especially after the masseur performed his magic!

Chicken Scaloppine

Every year on or within a few days of my birthday I eat a serving of Chicken Scaloppine from Romano's Macaroni Grill. It's my favorite restaurant and my favorite meal full of carbs, fat and more calories than I should have in a week. And you know what? I enjoy EVERY last bite. I look forward to this day and as any of my friends can tell you, I talk about it for a long time before it actually happens. And that first bite NEVER disappoints me. It's always better than I remembered and makes me very, very happy. Today was the big day and it was almost enough to inspire me to do the "happy dance".......but not quite.

Perhaps more special to me is the tradition of enjoying my favorite meal with my favorite girlfriends. This year it was a smaller crowd, but included my best friend with whom I have not celebrated a birthday for 5 long years. It also included someone I've known for 18 years but not really let KNOW ME until very recently. What could be better than girlfriends dishing about life over Italian food, real Dr. Pepper and rich chocolate cake?

It's the relationships that mean the most to me, the food is just a delicious bonus. This year I celebrated with a lot of people, and boy did my party start early! Last weekend I enjoyed time with my family. I cherish the handmade birthday card made by my 9-year-old niece, the wobbly signatures of my nephews and my 14-year-old niece being sure to sign her full name, in case my memory fails..... She really does think I'm that old!! I had lunch with my mom at a wonderful Greek restaurant and enjoyed a yummy strawberry cake from my staff. Saturday I enjoyed the company of some other really special friends and then dinner with a close girlfriend 2 nights in a row. Although I think she invited me over tonight because I cried last night at dinner and she was worried!!! Today I received many birthday wishes from friends scattered throughout the country - feeling special and cherished is not familiar to me, but this week I felt both in spades.

All in all I can see that through my relationships God is answering my heartfelt prayers for community and intimacy. I can see everyone's fingerprints all over my life and I'm not trying to wipe them away, I've come to love those smudges. And I'm enjoying knowing and being known, even when it rocks my world.