Over the years I have received many nice presents. Gifts that touched me and made me grateful for all of the love and thoughtfulness that went into choosing them.
Even the hot pink, barbie blow-up couch given by my niece several years ago, because even though she was little she still wanted to give me a gift that meant something to her.
But this Christmas season I've literally been spoiled with gifts. In a good way. And I like it. A lot.
This is the first year that I've felt confident enough to let a few people know all (okay most) of me, even the messy, extremely ugly parts. And their gifts were thrilling because they spoke to my deepest passions, because the givers knew me well enough to choose things I would love. Things I would never ask for because they seemed too extravagant or expensive, or maybe because I didn't even know I wanted them in the first place.
But as much as those tangible gifts meant to me, as special and loved as I felt because of them, they pale in comparison to the intangible gifts I received.
Gifts of time. Patience. Silence. Touch. Support. Commitment. Grace. Mercy. Encouragement. Celebration. Love.
I am fairly certain that I would not have survived 2009, one of the most difficult years of my life, without the people who offered those things to me when I could not offer them in return.
I would not have survived the intensity of emotions. I would not have survived the memories. I would not have survived the sadness. I would not have survived the fear. I would not have survived facing reality. I would not have survived facing the demons of my past. I would not have survived my faith. I would not have survived myself.
I would not have survived.
Not without the hours of ridiculously long telephone conversations where I was allowed to whine, vent, laugh and cry until I was spent.
Not without the freedom to explore the truth of my story, to literally revisit my past without the fear of rejection in the present. Not without fellowship, food and fun. Not without warm hugs. Not without pursuit and perseverance when I was frustratingly stubborn or withdrawn.
Not without extravagant love.
Not without living, breathing models of the love of Christ in action. No judgment. No criticism. No "I told you so". No "shoulds". No abandonment. No pressure to perform.
Just loyalty, truth, grace and above all love.
Those are the unexpected gifts that have carried me. The gifts for which I am externally grateful. The gifts I cherish the most. Merci.
