Benched

• Proms
• Engagements
• Wedding showers
• Weddings
• Marriages
• Baby showers
• Babies
• Childrens' birthday parties
• Parenting

Just some of the ways women bond with each other.  All things I've never experienced and probably never will.  

Forgive me for whining, but today it is simply too much.  I feel left out.  Like my attempts on the field were so pathetic that the coach benched me; with no hope of me ever being good enough to even qualify as a last resort.  

On days like this, all I know to do is have a good cry and then try to count my blessings; to try and remember that I have a good life now:

• I'm happy - usually ☺
• I have amazing friends
• Family members who love me
• A good job
• Material possessions
• Travel experiences to die for
• Deep faith

The list is endless.  But it can be tricky to learn how to balance the blessings with the sadness and disappointment; the overwhelming loneliness; to own the reality of my losses while celebrating the wealth of my blessings.  

Maybe the answer is to create my own milestones and  celebrate them even if they don't make sense to anyone else.   Turn the mundane, ordinary and boring events into blowout parties!    

• Instead of a wedding shower - a housewarming party
• Instead of a baby shower - a puppy shower (which DID happen thanks to Cyndi and Dee at work!)
• Instead of a graduation ceremony - a party when I pass my CPC exam (IF I do!)

I'm sure it sounds silly to most of you, but it sounds like a lifesaver to me; a way to make my sidelined life worthy of celebrating, even if it's different from what I've always longed for and been repeatedly denied.  

I don't pretend to know how God works or why He does things so differently from my expressed wishes.  But he does and that's all there is to it. 

Learning to accept what I cannot change brings me into a deeper relationship with him and purifies me in a way that getting everything I want could never do.  I am learning how to appreciate that, but honestly I wish it weren't so painful.... 

So now, you'll have to excuse me while I open a new box of Kleenex, blow my nose for the 278th time, and then start planning a ridiculous, frivolous party, for no reason other than I am alive and kicking!  

 

Valentine's Day Dread

"Who needs a heart, when a heart can be broken?"





It's only a few days before Valentine's Day and that line from the old Tina Turner classic pretty much sums up how I feel. Dealing with Valentine's Day is more difficult every year, but this year I'm raw. Cupid's arrow holds only heartbreak and rejection and is aimed at the deepest part of my heart. I am desperately trying to put on my armor so that I can survive with some dignity; I just hope it's not too late...... Part of me wants to kick myself for not being more guarded. Why was I vulnerable and open when I knew I was risking heartbreak? Because I let myself hope. Unfortunately, hope has proven to be cruel and has shown me once again that I am worthy only of the dreaded "F" word: friendship.

God's love may be all I need; but it isn't all I want! Perhaps that's not very "spiritual" but it's honest. I've dreamed many dreams, and buried most of them. Granted, some were the foolish dreams of youth - I seriously wanted to be the next Amy Grant, and embarrassingly I thought I could be. I even wrote some really cheesy songs like "Visible Changes" and "No More Goodbyes", (I'll spare you the lyrics!!) But some of my dreams were noble and I was forced to bury them anyway. It was a painful process and I still find myself grieving their death from time to time. I desperately want to believe that I will not have to bury my dream of marriage, but I'm keeping my black dress just in case.

Maybe the process of laying bare my deepest longing, of finally admitting and embracing my deepest desire and seeing it remain unfulfilled will make me more compassionate and gracious. Maybe it will make me less selfish. I don't really know. I would say that I hope it does, but I don't really trust hope right now.

So tonight I will cry my tears and tomorrow I will dry them, engage my armor and get through the day by pretending that "it's gonna be alright". (That was an ode to Amy Grant in case you missed it!)

"They that sow in tears shall reap in joy." Psalm 126:5
"Weeping may endure for a night, but joy cometh in the morning." Psalm 30:5