"Who needs a heart, when a heart can be broken?"
It's only a few days before Valentine's Day and that line from the old Tina Turner classic pretty much sums up how I feel. Dealing with Valentine's Day is more difficult every year, but this year I'm raw. Cupid's arrow holds only heartbreak and rejection and is aimed at the deepest part of my heart. I am desperately trying to put on my armor so that I can survive with some dignity; I just hope it's not too late...... Part of me wants to kick myself for not being more guarded. Why was I vulnerable and open when I knew I was risking heartbreak? Because I let myself hope. Unfortunately, hope has proven to be cruel and has shown me once again that I am worthy only of the dreaded "F" word: friendship.
God's love may be all I need; but it isn't all I want! Perhaps that's not very "spiritual" but it's honest. I've dreamed many dreams, and buried most of them. Granted, some were the foolish dreams of youth - I seriously wanted to be the next Amy Grant, and embarrassingly I thought I could be. I even wrote some really cheesy songs like "Visible Changes" and "No More Goodbyes", (I'll spare you the lyrics!!) But some of my dreams were noble and I was forced to bury them anyway. It was a painful process and I still find myself grieving their death from time to time. I desperately want to believe that I will not have to bury my dream of marriage, but I'm keeping my black dress just in case.
Maybe the process of laying bare my deepest longing, of finally admitting and embracing my deepest desire and seeing it remain unfulfilled will make me more compassionate and gracious. Maybe it will make me less selfish. I don't really know. I would say that I hope it does, but I don't really trust hope right now.
So tonight I will cry my tears and tomorrow I will dry them, engage my armor and get through the day by pretending that "it's gonna be alright". (That was an ode to Amy Grant in case you missed it!)
"They that sow in tears shall reap in joy." Psalm 126:5
"Weeping may endure for a night, but joy cometh in the morning." Psalm 30:5
