Most Embarrassing Moment #2

Ah, the teenage years, full of angst and awkwardness and more excruciatingly embarrassing moments than any one human should have to endure. Things that seem so insignificant to others shape us for a lifetime and leave jagged scars that change how we relate to the world.......oh I kid, oh not really. Okay, perhaps I'm being slightly melodramatic (are you surprised???) but seriously, there are some things that make me cringe even 20+ years later. Especially where horrifically ugly, green, dump trucks are concerned!

You see, my dad had (has?) a knack for picking really ugly vehicles. He could see the "beauty" in them that NO ONE else could see.... Take for instance the aforementioned monstrosity. It was truly hideous. Oh how I wish I could find a photo of it for posterity (the image below is the best I could find on the web), but surely the camera would have broken had we attempted to capture it on film so it lives on only in my family's memory. Of course in my mind it has morphed into THE UGLIEST VEHICLE EVER DRIVEN BY A HUMAN BEING, and yes I know I'm "yelling" in cyberland, I'm still severely traumatized!

Aside from its color this thing had a decaying, wooden bed. And remember those really long stick shifts? Yep, it had one that was at least the length of a yard stick. It also had a VERY short driver (my petite mother) who could barely reach the clutch, which meant the gears would grind - loudly - when she was shifting. Oh and it had a lovely (cough, cough) vinyl (?) bench seat where my brother and I would sit side by side, he in the middle by the freakishly long stick shift, me by the door hoping desperately that I would not slide into him when we turned a corner. And worse still the drivers' side door would pop open at the most inopportune times. It had a mind of its own, staying stubbornly shut when you wanted to open it only to swing open in the middle of a drive down the street when you wanted it closed.....

One day my mom decided that it was high time my brother's cat was "fixed" since we had way too many and did not need anymore. So off we drove, my mom grinding the gears as my brother and I dodged one VERY angry cat who was intermittently sliding around on the vinyl seats, clawing at the door, hissing and hysterically looking for an escape hatch. As if on cue the possessed door unlatched itself and swung open, just as we pulled up to the stoplight......on the main drag......in Conroe, TX.....with the cat hanging onto the door for dear life! My mom was laughing and my brother was trying to coax his cat down from the door and onto his lap. But I on the other hand, HIT THE FLOOR completely mortified that someone might see me, thus ruining my stellar reputation (ha!) but hey I was 15! Things like that matter when you're a kid, and when you're a shy, angst-ridden teenager it's hard to find the humor in that kind of situation. It's funny now, sort of, but you probably won't catch me riding around in a green dump truck unless my life depends on it. I'd rather walk, take the bus, bike or pay for a taxi, heck I'd even consider thumbing it!

And that is why I now suffer from "Dump Truck PTSD". Thanks mom and dad.

Most Embarrassing Moment #3

Once upon a time there was a young teen (yours truly) who was gifted with an extensive underwear collection by her lovably eccentric Grandma Jim. (Yes, she had a boy's name - long story.) And since I was the first granddaughter she went all out when it came to outfitting me in cute, girlie delicates.

Now Grandma Jim didn't buy plain white undies, no sirree, she bought undies with characters on them, like whales and ladybugs and fairies - great when you're 3 - not so much when you're 15! Every birthday and Christmas brought a blush to my cheeks as I was "encouraged" to hold up my gifts and display them so my family could ooh and ah. Sometimes Grandma went off the radar and bought outrageous gifts like a "jeweled spider hair bun holder thingy" (I still have it as proof of her eccentricities) but no matter what she always kept me well-stocked in underwear. And I wore them because I didn't know any better and I figured no one else would see them.

I WAS WRONG.

One hot, humid, East Texas, summer day my youth group took a trip to Astroworld. We piled in the blue and white church bus and sang silly songs for the drive to the theme park. We were obnoxious dorks but we sure had fun! We were also daredevils and rode EVERY scary ride from the gigantic roller coaster to the "Screamer". AND we were hot. REALLY hot. So we rode the log ride and "Thunder" OVER and OVER to cool off with the splashes of icy water. It made the humidity and hot Texas sun infinitely more bearable.

There I was, my undies safely hidden beneath a very cute magenta skort. Until I rode the log ride and discovered that magenta becomes transparent when it gets wet. So I got to walk around Astroworld, trying not to cry as all of my friends and every stranger noticed that my undies were decorated with little blue whales. And that, my friends, is why I buy plain white underwear.