Tonight

Tonight I am tired. Tired of caring. Tired of trying. Tired of dreaming. Tired of working. Tired of bothering. Just...plain...tired.

I'm worn out from hoping, and worn out from loving, and worn out from living. Figuring out how to live in this world is exhausting. It's draining the life and soul from me. I'm...worn...out.

Sometimes I wonder why everything has to be so hard. Hope seems fruitless, and people seem cruel, and life seems uninteresting and lonely and pointless. Maybe tomorrow my hormones will be stable and the world will be happier. But not tonight, no tonight is dark and bitter, and my heart is sad, so sad that I cannot even find my tears. Tonight the journey is killing me. Tonight I am angry and disappointed in God and myself and others. Tonight I am selfish. Just...plain...selfish.

Even as I type these words and give legitimacy to the emotions and anger and disappointment mingling in my heart, I feel ridiculous. I feel ridiculous for thinking my life is hard. It really isn't. I feel ridiculous for expecting God to make things easier. I feel ridiculous for not being grateful that he made me a fighter. I...feel...ridiculous.

I feel guilty for not being able to see through the lies that I have embraced. I feel guilty for not being able to cope better than I am at this very moment. I...feel...guilty.

When I face these moments, when I stare down into the pit of despair and decide if I will jump in or jump over it, I feel the heaviness crushing my heart. These are the moments when my choices will either strengthen or weaken my faith. These are the moments when I will decide whether or not I will believe though I cannot see. These are the moments when I will choose whether or not to cement my faith in God's truth or in the enemy's lies. These are the moments when I beg God to help me believe because I am incapable of doing so on my own. These...are...the...moments.

Tomorrow is another day and although the disappointments may be bitter I am comforted. I have hope. I have peace. I have truth. I have love. I have God. I have Jesus. I have the Holy Spirit. I have a future. I have a promise. I...have...faith.

Space

I had a day off last Friday and do you know what I did? Absolutely nothing important. I didn't answer my phone. I didn't take a shower. I didn't change out of my pajamas. I didn't get my mail. I didn't take a walk. I didn't cook (I ate tortillas with hummus all day......) All I did was sleep, watch movies, sleep, eat, sleep, work on a collage, sleep, journal and sleep some more (I don't feel too guilty about all of the sleeping since I've had insomnia for 3 weeks!) Of all the things I should have done - cleaning, organizing files, laundry, exercising - I chose to do none of them and I was blissfully happy as a result.

One of the things I love and hate about living alone is well, actually being alone. I'm such a dichotomy because on the one hand I crave intimacy and quality time with those I love (which differs greatly from quantity time), but on the other hand I need a lot of space and time alone to recharge, and trust me when I tell you that I can get pretty irritable when I don't get enough of it! Just ask anyone who has lived or traveled with me. :-)

Because I still want to get married, the fact that I am so horribly selfish kind of worries me. If I can't even handle a roommate, how would I ever function as a married woman? How would I ever deal with all of the forced "quantity" time? How would I handle sharing everything with a man, even one I adore? How would I negotiate time for myself without making him feel neglected? How would I justify how I spent last Friday? How would I handle the vulnerability that a healthy marriage requires? Am I too set in my ways? Am I too old of a dog to learn new tricks? Am I too damaged?

You know, for so many years I gave every second of my life to others. Lately the pendulum has swung the other direction and I've spent a lot of time focusing on my interests. Since I've recently been reminded that the world does not revolve around me I've decided to quit hiding behind my introverted personality. Yes, I will always need space and time alone, but I no longer want to be so focused on myself that I miss out on opportunities to know and love others. I no longer want to be so self-absorbed that I forget to let God use me as an extension of his love and grace. I no longer want to be so introverted that I fail to act on behalf of the marginalized people of this world. And mostly, I no longer want to hide from the healing that healthy relationships offer, even if they push my boundaries and require more of me than I expected. So, please be patient with me as I learn how to be present and authentic and selfless. I have a long way to go. The good news is that I'm no longer reading the map upside down so at least I'm headed in the right direction!

InSoMniA

Sleep is one of my favorite things to do, especially since I upgraded from a futon to a pillow top mattress last year. Just the thought of resting in my comfy bed snuggling 3 pillows makes me sigh contentedly. I like my sheets, my comforter, my sound machine, my jammies - everything associated with sleeping. I seriously enjoy putting one day to bed and waking up to a fresh start on the next one, although I will admit that I usually don't enjoy the waking up part for at least 30 minutes, or until I've consumed 12 oz of caffeine.

Unfortunately, when I feel stressed sleep is the first friend to desert me. We've known each other my WHOLE life, and yet she abandons me at the first sign of trouble. It's really very annoying and she always leaves when I need an escape from my neurosis!!!

For the past 3 weeks I have been unable to sleep well. Not only do I have trouble falling asleep, I also have trouble staying asleep. That's why you will often receive an email from me at 3:42 am! Sometimes I clean, sometimes I blog, sometimes I read, or I pray, cry and get really angry but it doesn't matter. My dear friend has left the building and isn't planning to return until about 3:00 pm the next day, right when I'm in the middle of a meeting with 9 doctors, 12 nurses and 16 receptionists.......

Instead of counting sheep I've started counting the number of times the train whistle blows at night (it's at least 100). I've also sat on my patio and watched a surprising number of people come and go from the complex in which I live, and I wonder which one ripped me off....twice! I've listened to the sirens of police cars, ambulances and fire engines and wondered what emergency awaits them. I've flipped on the TV and watched very strange infomercials. Did you know that there is a miracle cure that "they" don't want you to know about? I'm not sure what it is because I'm too cheap to buy the book, but I could be missing out on something huge.

But mostly what I do is try to listen to God. I listen for his voice to tell me why he loves me. I listen for his voice to tell me his dreams for my life. I listen for his voice to tell me how to love and support those I cherish. And then I petition him. I petition him on behalf of the many people I love. I petition him on behalf of the hurting, broken, marginalized people trying to survive one more day in this cruel world. I petition him to draw me into deeper intimacy with him and to make me effective as his servant. I petition him to keep reminding me that I am his and worth far more than I can ever comprehend. And I thank him. I thank him for never letting go of me, even when I tried to escape. I thank him for putting faithful, beautiful, amazing people in my life who speak truth and grace and mercy and hope to me. I thank him for loving me despite my unlovable qualities. And then finally, I rest in him. I rest in the silence (except for the train and sirens). I rest in the warmth of knowing that I am his. I rest in the healing he is bringing to my deepest wounds. And I let him love me. And I love him. And then I sleep.

Easy Button

Could somebody please hand me an easy button??? I ordered one on amazon.com but they are out of stock and don't know when they will be able to get another one......... Very funny you might say, but lately most of my attempts to make positive changes in my life have failed, it seems I've been using the let's make things harder button. I've been told that I live my life waiting for the other shoe to drop, but how else am I supposed to live? THE OTHER SHOE ALWAYS DROPS, that's why I put out an APB for the easy button!

Sadly, when God allows (or causes???) disappointment to enter my life, it's automatic for me to begin looking at others and comparing their lives to mine, which is a VERY slippery slope. Every one has SOMETHING difficult - a painful cross to bear - it's just that when they have things I want, things for which I have faithfully petitioned and fruitlessly hoped, it's easy to overlook the magnitude of their difficulties. It's hard to see the depth of their pain through the lens of my own. (it's SO embarrassing to admit how self-absorbed I am!)

To be sure, the disappointments in my life are not devastating. Much worse things happen to people the world over on a daily basis. And I don't have answers to my endless questions about why God allows the things he allows - I don't have a clue why he operates so mysteriously. But I am fairly certain that if he made me privy to all of his reasoning it would confuse the *!@* out of me! So, even though lately I've been deeply disappointed about some things in my life, I'm going to choose to believe that God is still good and that he is not out to get me..... I'm going to choose to rest in his love instead of my fear. I'm going to choose to believe that he is trustworthy. I guess what I'm saying is that I'm going to press the trust and obey button. But I'm still keeping my eye out for an easy button.....

Fragile

Sometimes I feel so fragile. Like a wounded bird trying desperately to flutter her wings and soar high above all of the turmoil in this world. Lately I have been overcome with sorrow at how flawed humanity is, how deeply flawed I am. I find myself grieving old wounds and examining events in my life that I would rather forget. In an effort to hide my fragility I inadvertently hurt those I love the most by slipping into a hard demeanor and refusing to be open and vulnerable.

People who tell me they love me, people whom I would wage war to keep in my life have tried to encourage me. They have loved me, spoken the truth and been present when I have tried to hide. And even though I cannot imagine my life without them, I still find it difficult to let their love seep into my bones.

Then there is the matter of my faith. I wish I could live what I profess to believe, that God actually loves me just as he finds me, in all of my messiness. I wish I could remember that his love really is better than mine. Sometimes the experience of his love is so obvious that I can wrap myself up in it like a warm blanket and just rest. But most of the time I find it difficult to accept that I am actually lovable without performing, so I find myself doing things to try to gain his approval, hoping that he will reward me by infusing me with his love and answering yes to some of my petitions. And if the reward I want doesn't come or I don't feel loved, I assume that I have failed, he loves me less than others and I am unworthy of anything better.

Slowly, VERY slowly, I am chipping away at the walls I have erected around my tender heart and replacing the lies I have embraced with the truth that God thinks I am worth fighting for, even though I've never believed that to be true. I am involved in a very intense prayer study based on the teachings of St. Ignatius, and through this study I am learning more about God and more about myself every day. St. Ignatius would probably say that this sorrow I feel is a consolation (gift) because it is leading me into deeper intimacy with my Creator. All I know is that even though the process is excruciating and I am more aware of my humanity than ever, I feel deeply connected to my Savior and strangely peaceful. So even though I have been a bit more contemplative than normal and more sensitive, I'm okay. I'm finding my way and learning how to live in this new skin. I'll close with my favorite line from an Andrew Peterson song that is on repeat in my CD player:

All of my life
I've held onto this fear
These thistles and vines ensnare and entwine
What flowers appeared.

It's the fear that I'll fall
One too many times
It's the fear that His love
Is no better than mine.

But He tells me
Just as I am
Just as I was
Just as I will be
He loves me, He does
He showed me the day
That He shed His own blood,
He loves me, oh He loves me, He loves me He does.