Battle of the Bulge - Texas Style

They say everything is bigger in Texas, and I'm tired of lending credence to that statement. It is time for my battle of the bulge to end. I mean, the other morning when I woke up I was confused because I thought someone was in bed with me - but it wasn't someone else, IT WAS MY STOMACH!!!! THAT IS JUST GROSS!!!! I am not one of those women who loves herself no matter what she looks like - I FIRMLY (pun intended) believe that blubber should NOT be my fashion statement.

However, in admitting that I am in the midst of this battle, I have to say that I am worried about about what you will think. By telling you that I am trying to lose weight - AGAIN - I risk failing - AGAIN. And I HATE failing at any time, particularly in public. Failure haunts me. Especially when I try so hard, but just can't seem to get it right. Facing my failures in front of others is so - well - vulnerable. And those of you who know me well know how I feel about that! :)

It took me years to figure out why I was hiding beneath so many layers of fat. Of course I have many excuses (some are REALLY good too), but just recently I finally realized that in trying to control everyone and every circumstance in my life, I had failed to control myself. (Thanks home group and Cloud and Townsend!)

So now I am faced with a huge (literally) challenge. I must lose weight not just for my physical health, but also because I want to stop hiding. If I can't be beautiful, I would at least like to pass for cute again! But now it's scarier because gravity is involved. Certain things will never go back to where they used to reside! I've accepted the fact that I will not be skinny. I expect to have some leftover flab and cellulite. I know that the stretch marks aren't going away; I would say that they're more like a road map of all the places my body and I have been, some of which were really good, (I definitely don't regret all of the gelato and pasta I ate in Italy!)

I want my outside to match my inside and so far, so good. I am down 12 pounds as of this morning. I walk for at least 30 minutes every day, rain or shine. I am eating a balanced diet full of veggies and lean protein. I have cut back on cheese (sniff, sniff) and limited my diet soda intake to 2 a day (I DO blow that from time to time.) I also allow myself one square of extra dark chocolate every night. I plan my "cheat" days and I already know that on February 14, 2008 I will eat whatever I want! Maybe the good habits will actually stick this time.....

Overall I feel energized and happy. Each time someone notices that I have lost weight I do the dance of joy (INSIDE my head, I NEVER dance in public since I resemble Elaine from Seinfeld!!!) By surrounding myself with people who love me despite my physical flaws and obvious failures, I have found the courage to try to improve myself. Thank you for being part of my journey. Thank you for encouraging me and reminding me that I am too hard on myself. Thank you for making me feel special and loved and known. Thank you for helping me fight this battle - I couldn't do it without you.

PMS

I really, really hate it. I think it's unnecessary. I hate the pimples, bloating, aching back, sore breasts, fatigue and MONSTER headaches. I hate the tears that accompany the emotional roller coaster. And I really hate feeling that I'm slightly crazy and can be pushed over the edge by something as mundane as say....grocery shopping. Yep, I actually almost started crying in the store when my favorite soda was out of stock. It really rocked my world. I mean, can someone PLEASE learn to order properly so it is always on the shelf???? How can a grocery store possibly run out of Diet Cherry Vanilla Dr. Pepper???? It's a good thing that there were a few bars of 85% Dark Chocolate left or I may have caused a scene! The manger really should be informed that he is risking serious bodily harm by messing with a hormonal woman.

Well, enough whining. I need to go blow my nose anyway because the "Puppy Chow" commercial brought me to tears.

My "Secret"

Dating for an older, Christian woman in a post-modern world is complicated. Morals are relative now, and mine seem prudish and old-fashioned, and sometimes like a self-imposed prison. I find myself in a real pickle. Co-workers say I should tease my hair, layer my face with makeup and dress in cleavage bearing, butt-hugging clothes. While I'm sure there would be one man drunk enough to appreciate that look, I'm equally sure that no matter how desperate I may be, I'm not so desperate that he would get lucky!

To top it off, I don't fit the mold of the typical "Stepford-Christian" woman. I'm not very conservative, I'm extremely independent and opinionated and I don't put up with a lot of b.s. Not exactly the type of woman most of the "Christian" men I know are looking for in a wife.

So now I'm going to tell you a secret that I have kept hidden from many people because I fear appearing desperate. I'm a member of E-harmony. There, I actually admitted it. It makes me squirm, and I am blushing as I type! Online dating is just weird.

I have trouble figuring out how to put my best "profile" forward. Do I have a picture that is somewhat flattering but not misleading? Do I admit how neurotic I am? Should I try to appear witty or studious? Ugh....it's enough to drive me insane. I want someone to love me as I am, not as I appear or as he idealizes me to be. Part of me just wants to tell these would-be suitors that I'm deeply flawed and insecure and will likely annoy by asking incessant questions and displaying extreme independence. I'm overweight (but losing!), lazy on the weekends and selfish when it comes to my stash of Diet Cherry Vanilla Dr. Pepper. I also cry at sappy commercials/movies/songs, exhibit signs of road-rage, wake up grumpy and get very out of sorts if I don't get enough "me-time". I am prone to hogging the remote control and hiding the dark chocolate, and will only share my Ben and Jerry's "Phish Food" if you're really, REALLY nice to me. Yet, I also love passionately and would do anything for the man who decides he can handle me. I take time to get to know, but then I'm not so bad (I hope). It's hard to communicate that in 100 words or less.....

Apparently my profile still needs some work, because listed below are just a couple of my experiences:

Guy #1 – The Perverted Cowboy
I started to doubt E-harmony’s matching capabilities when they cheerfully sent me this match. The first strike against the poor bloke was the photo that he proudly labeled “Me in Thailand with hangover”. Hmmm, a potential alcoholic……charming. In one of his other photos he was wearing tight jeans, ropers and a ten-gallon cowboy hat while standing next to a Texas-sized pick-up truck. Uh-oh, a “good ol’ boy”. Apparently E-harmony didn't get my memo - I'M NOT FOND OF COWBOYS!

But, since beggars can’t be choosers, I gamely answered his questions. By the time we got to his “Must Have/Can’t Stand” list I knew that we would not get together unless the temperature dropped below 32° in Hell.

Here are a few of his “Must Haves”:
Passionate – she must be open to exploring his sexual desires
Verbal Intimacy – he must be certain she is sharing her deepest thoughts and feelings (sounds just like me doesn't it?)
Affectionate – she must be comfortable accepting and receiving public affection
Church Member – she must be a regular attendee or active member of church

My interpretation was that this guy was a perverted cowboy who would read my journal and maul me at church. Do I hear 3 cheers for E-harmony???

STATUS: MATCH CLOSED by me, a frigid, emotionally distant, reserved, church attendee.
UPDATE: MATCH RE-OPENED BY HIM saying that I would feel differently if I met him in person. Does anyone else see “stalker” written all over this??
MATCH CLOSED AGAIN by me, a girl who would be really freaked out right now if E-harmony were not anonymous!

Guy #2 – The Indecisive Teacher
Do you know anyone who likes to be put on hold? I added up the amount of time I spent listening to MUZAK last week and was quite irritated that 2.67 hours of my precious life was wasted as I mindlessly hummed along with every Barry Manilow, Neil Diamond and Air Supply song known to man (Appropriately “Making Love Out of Nothing at All” was featured frequently on MUZAK last week.)

Well……E-harmony has this lovely little option where one can put a match “on hold” instead of completely ending communication. Kind of like “sort-of” breaking up with someone which is oh so much fun for the person unexpectedly put into limbo.

So after exchanging questions and answers with this teacher, he ……PUT ME ON HOLD! I was faced with a dilemma, should I close communication with him or leave him on hold and see if he would contact me again? Decisions, decisions.

STATUS: MATCH PLACED ON HOLD by him, an apparently indecisive teacher. Since I didn’t close communication, I guess it says that I’m indecisive too, we must be an ideal match, well maybe not, oh I just can’t decide……

***********************************************************************************************
Sigh.... All humor aside, the biggest lesson I've learned is that it's very easy to be too narrow-minded. If someone doesn't strike my fancy within the first few minutes of reading his profile, I can close his account with a click of the button, and I have. If my photo doesn't live up to his standards of beauty, he can close my account just as quickly, and trust me - he does. After all, there are millions of fish swimming in the sea....

It's so easy to forget that getting to know someone takes time and energy and a real commitment. Chemistry is not based solely on physical attraction, yet men want a photo immediately. Women on the other hand want emotional intimacy and hope to glimpse a man's heart based on the statements made in his profile. On the web, there is something important lost in the process. For me, it's the human interaction and real connection I get from talking in person to a living, breathing man. That excites me. Seeing his face, his mannerisms, his smile. Answering a million questions about myself and revealing part of my heart to someone online feels clinical - and it's way too easy for both of us to pretend.

Yet, I still haven't closed my account, maybe because at least online someone is showing some interest in me, and I don't even have to be dressed like a "hoochie mama". In the real world, that NEVER happens anymore and sometimes my fragile ego needs a boost. I need to know that at least one man responds to me or finds me attractive. That's why I log in and answer really lame questions and try to sound witty and charming. Hope really does spring eternal, doesn't it?

A Moment to Myself

It's interesting how my friends who are married with children view my life. They come into my home and admire my "things". They comment on how clean and pretty my abode is. They look longingly at breakables prominently displayed on the coffee table. They must imagine that I walk into my home each evening and sigh contentedly, thrilled at the prospect of having a moment to myself after a long day. Sometimes that's true, sometimes I am so drained by my day that I do enjoy the peace and quiet of my space. It's unique and beautiful and quiet and clean, but equally empty of love and passion and purpose. Every day I wake up and face the world completely alone. Yes, I know I have God, family and friends, but trust me when I tell you, they don't quite fill the longing for companionship, affection or intimacy!

So I try to figure out ways to give of myself to others. I try to engage my coworkers, be present for friends and let the people I love know that they are important and special. But what I wish they would realize is that loneliness can be suffocating and while every one craves a moment alone, most people do not crave a lifetime of moments alone, and a lifetime is what I have.