Do You See What I See?

Hopefully the answer is a resounding NO if you're observing me because I already see every one of my flaws in glaring detail. They are disproportionately HUGE, as if I'm looking through a magnifying glass with 900x magnification. I will spare you the gory details, mostly because I don't want you to start noticing them if you haven't already! :-) But I am puzzled as to why beating myself up seems to be one of my favorite pastimes.

For instance, I used to have this terribly abusive habit of standing in front of the mirror after taking a shower and making the most horrible comments out loud about my body. I would say awful things that I would never even THINK about someone else, let alone verbalize. It was terribly defeating to believe that I was the most horrific looking naked woman God had ever created. Perhaps it was even insulting to him, since I was made in his image and all. Yet even today, though I no longer abuse myself in that way, my pea-sized brain has difficulty grasping the thought that MY body is an image-bearer of God and therefore has any beauty to offer the world. It's especially hard to grasp when looking at myself naked, which I don't recommend BTW, although it does make one extremely grateful for fig leaves! BUT, I have been unkind to my body and the evidence is etched in every part of my flesh. And now that I'm no longer young and cute, nor sporting a trim figure it's especially hard to see any redeeming value in how my body looks.

So I think, okay I'm not beautiful, but I'm smart and have solid character, strong faith and a winning personality......except I don't. Sigh. Not really. I usually fake it, although a few lucky (they may say unlucky) ones have crossed over to the dark side and now see me in all, okay some, of my messiness, at least part of the time. But because I know how far short I fall I fear that my neediness or messiness will be too much trouble for them and they will walk away, or worse they will simply tolerate me, but not really love and know me. So I try to keep them from seeing what I see when I really examine my life. And in doing so I fail to be God's image-bearer, because it's hard to reflect truth when I'm lying...

I hesitated to even post this blog because it exposes parts of me I'd rather keep hidden, but I know I'm not alone in this. I have beautiful friends with gorgeous bodies, pure hearts, luxurious hair, merciful spirits, stunning features, strong faith and unmeasured talents. Yet I've heard all of them point out their shortcomings in varying degrees of self-abuse. But because I see them through eyes of love I honestly have no idea what they're talking about, I don't see what they see. Yet the women I know can list on demand every single flaw they have, whether real or perceived.

Do men do the same thing to themselves? I'm not sure, but as I was sharing dinner with friends last week I was joking about a pimple I had nicknamed "Mount Kilimanjaro". My male friend looked at me with a tad bit of impatience and said, "Girls, man! I didn't even notice it until you pointed it out!" I was shocked. How could he NOT see it? After all, I could see NOTHING but this GIANT pimple, which I was certain made me resemble Valerie, the horribly ugly witch in "The Princess Bride" when I would clearly rather resemble Princess Buttercup! But he was looking at me through the eyes of grace I am unable to afford myself.

Where do I go from here? Where does any woman go from here? How do we learn to me more gentle and kind to ourselves without ignoring the areas that need improvement? In my case there are multiple physical and emotional traits that could use some fixin', and while I'm sure you have some ideas, I'll ask you to keep them to yourself thank you very much! I'm well aware of my shortcomings, but I'm also aware that I have value because God says I do, not because I look or act a certain way. So how do I begin to live like I believe that? It seems to me that learning to love myself, or at least not abuse myself will make me better at loving others because then I will be free to offer all of myself instead of just bits and pieces. Until then, I REALLY hope you don't see the same things I see when you look at me!

Random Thoughts About.....Not Much

So I'm sitting here in my office, taking a short lunch break before diving into the rest of my day chock full of accounting for 3 businesses, employee evaluations, meetings with the doctors, policy reviews and trying to soothe the ruffled feathers of patients who are positive that:

a.) the office staff is "out to get them" because they had to hold for longer than 2 minutes.

b.) we are IGNORING their desperate need for medication because the pharmacy has faxed their RX request 4 times, even though the fax clearly states "This is the first request".

c.) we are evil for following HIPAA guidelines that require patient authorization before we can talk to family members, even the mommies.

All in a day's work. Sigh. Next stop ESL, even though it is going to be FREEZING tonight and I don't think the students will come. I'd rather snuggle in my soft throw, watch "24", my latest addiction (I'm in the middle of season 1) and sip hot cocoa. That would make me feel better because between allergies and my monthly (or should I say semi-monthly?) visitor I feel like crap looks - pretty gnarly.

To top it off, this morning when I dragged myself out of bed I noted that yesterday's small pimple is now GINORMOUS. I'm talking the size of Mount Kilimanjaro....ON....MY....FACE! Makeup doesn't do it justice. Then I plucked at least 15 gray hairs and wondered again if I should start dying it. At least I don't have to pluck my eyebrows as often anymore, they're going gray and aren't as noticeable, although I DID pluck a few stray chin hairs which were as black as my hair used to be.....

Then there was the matter of getting dressed. Ugh. How can I say this delicately??? Oh I can't so I'll just say it. My steeples have long since pointed in the wrong direction and require a herculean effort to hoist them up to acceptable levels AND keep them there throughout the day so that it looks like I only have 2 stomachs instead of 4. I have no desire to resemble my grandmother just yet, God rest her soul. So the hoisting continues, day in and day out, as does the poking from the underwires, which are clearly a form of torture.

I'm also considering modified Anorexia. Perhaps that is the only diet that will work for me. Oh sure, I've kept 15 pounds off, but I need to lose 50 more so 15 seems like small potatoes, which I'm not allowed to eat by the way. I'm allowed to eat skinless chicken, turkey and fish, non-starchy veggies, eggs, very little cheese, and some fruit. Like I said, modified Anorexia. I also gave up soda, even diet soda, although I do allow myself to drink tea but usually it's unsweet, which is an acquired taste that I haven't quite adjusted to.

Oh, and my apartment is a mess. Truly. I haven't vacuumed since before Christmas. Nor have I dusted. My gifts are still littering my dining table and the ornaments I started making a few days AFTER Christmas are still sitting on my kitchen counter, half finished. And yes, I know that it is strange to start making ornaments AFTER the holiday, but I was bored one day and felt the need to be creative. Hence the ornaments on my counter.

I'm also addicted to scouring the internet for reviews about digital cameras and iPods. I really would like both but I'm leaning toward getting the iPod first because I already have a decent camera, even if it's not digital. I looked at cameras on Saturday at Best Buy and Circuit City but couldn't decide. FYI - Circuit City still has higher prices than Best Buy or Amazon even though they are going out of business. Curious.

Just after I stressed about buying a digital T.V. converter they have issued an extension. I guess that gives me a reprieve from trying to figure out how to hook it up! My brother has agreed to walk me through the process by phone if I get stuck, which is highly likely.

And I just read that Paul McCartney has a new girlfriend, and I REALLY don't care. Seriously, I'm so bored with celebrity gossip, or gossip in general. Yawn. I'd rather sleep.

BTW, today I feel like being real, not perfect so I didn't really proofread this post. Please ignore typos and spelling errors. Or point them out if you feel inclined. I'll hate you for it later. At least I have a cool new CD to keep me company in my car. And one of the songs seriously rocks. I almost feel like a 30-year-old again! ;-)

Otherwise life is.....good. At least I keep telling myself that. I'm sure it will be better when my hormones return to normal and the mountain on my face turns back in to a molehill. :-0