Ever been struck by a wrecking ball??? Okay, not literally but figuratively? Well, just for the record, it hurts, I know from personal experience! The destruction of everything I have been into all I was meant to be is a painful process. I suppose the rejection of being the person your circumstances would have you believe you are, to becoming the person God intended you to be when he first breathed life into your soul happens to every seeker eventually. But it's not fun. Ever.Admittedly I'm a bit befuddled. How do I really embrace becoming more (according to God's design) while becoming less (according to my own design)? I'm wary of the doctrine that tells me to just "be myself". Because the reality is that if left to my own devices I am self-absorbed, arrogant, overly independent and withdrawn. My natural inclination is to serve myself, not God or anyone else. And sadly, in my efforts to "serve and protect" (myself) I hurt others by conveniently forgetting the greatest commandments spoken of by Jesus. Something about loving him with all my heart, mind and soul and loving others as much as I love myself. Ouch. I have definitely failed at those two things!
Since becoming MORE of a narcissistic idiot is not really on the agenda, I've GOT to figure it out pretty quickly. If only I didn't have an overabundance of rough edges, which I have intentionally overlooked for most of my life. If only I were already there. If only. But instead I find myself in the middle of a long (I hope) marathon and feeling a bit overwhelmed at how much work God still has to do in me. How much more wrecking needs to be done before I can begin sifting through the rubble? When can I clean up the mess?
Well I don't know and God is not really forthcoming with his timetable. At least he's patient with me. And thankfully I have patient friends who remind me that they love me even when I can't understand why. So the wrecking will continue. My only word of caution if you're in the vicinity is to look out for falling debris! Good luck, you're gonna need it. ;-)
