One brave little boy...

Tonight I decided to relax and avoid the hustle and bustle of the holidays by spending a quiet night alone, making ornaments and listening to my favorite artist sing my favorite Christmas CD of all time, which is "Behold the Lamb of God, the True Tall Tale of the Coming of Christ" by Andrew Peterson. It's not a typical Christmas CD by any means, instead it's a musical snapshot of the Israelites sung by a man who has the ability to weave words together in a profoundly moving way.

I was pondering the chorus to the first song, "Gather 'Round Ye Children, Come" and was struck again by how amazing the sacrifice of Christ truly was and still is today.

"So sing out with joy for the brave little boy
Who was God, but he made himself nothing
He gave up his pride and He came here to die
Like a man"

Then I listened again to the words of my favorite song, "Passover Us". This song is rich with symbolism and is a retelling of the original Passover tied to the ultimate Passover found in the salvation offered through the sacrifice of Christ.

"Lord, let your judgment Passover us
Lord, let your love hover near
Don't let your sweet mercy Passover us
Let this blood cover over us here."

Can you really fathom how miraculous it was that within the heart of a baby beat the very heart of God incarnate? That one brave little boy grew into an amazingly compassionate yet fierce rebel who rocked the foundations of the world with his love and radical ideas? That the sacrifice of that boy turned man allowed judgment to Passover all who would believe? In all honesty I will admit that there are times when I cannot grasp it, but I can tell you that I love that brave little boy and the man he grew to be.

Since there is no way I can improve on what has already been so perfectly written, I will close by saying that if you are craving something to bring your heart's focus back to truth and beauty and love, you should listen to this CD. http://www.andrewpeterson.com/

Faith and Fear

I snapped this photo while my sister-in-law and I were running away from a stray golf ball on the 16th hole of the Old Course at St. Andrews in Scotland. It makes me laugh even now because golf seems like such a "safe" sport. But I can promise you that "safe" was not the word I was uttering as that little white ball was making a beeline for my head!

The sign could easily be changed to read:

"DANGER Life in Progress"

Lately, life has felt dangerous to me. Living all alone in a big city, trying to make my way in a terribly cruel world, it has all left me feeling vulnerable. Petty theft has invaded my world twice in the past month, and although the items stolen were unimportant in the grand scheme of life, it doesn't change the fact that I'm sleeping a little less soundly lately. I hear every creak of this old building, every branch hitting my window as the wind sweeps through the night. I imagine every noise to be a prowler and I find myself running down the stairs to triple check my doors, only to discover that yes, they were already locked.

Maybe it's a cultural thing, but I was born into this world expecting to be protected. Instead, many events in my life have left me exposed to the evil that lurks in the darkness. There are days when fear gnaws at my soul with such intensity that I am left drained by the fight to maintain faith and some semblance of sanity. I can sense it coming, the pit of my stomach burning, my body shivering, hyperventilating. Every wink of sleep is chased away by its presence. Every sensible, logical thought is blown away like the dust in the wind.

Yet, when I grab the hand of my Father, I am able to merge the two worlds of faith and fear. I have found that they can walk nicely together, hand in hand when I just breathe. It doesn't mean I will necessarily get everything - or anything - that I want, and it doesn't mean that I will not experience more trauma or pain. It just means that I don't have to worry. I serve and intimately know a sovereign God who loves me more than I am capable of loving myself or anyone else. I will probably stumble, and I know that my struggle with fear will continue but day by day I see myself growing into a woman filled with peace and hope, even in the midst of such ugliness.

FAITH AND FEAR - I suppose my faith would not mean as much if I hadn't struggled so intensely with fear. Ironic isn't it?

Always the Bridesmaid......

I've worn many colors of bridesmaids dresses over the years. There was the deep emerald green taffeta dress with a pillbox hat, the sea foam green satin dress with white lace gloves, the peach satin and white tulle confection with pearls and the royal blue strapless raw silk dress with a bolero jacket. But, blue seems to be the most appropriate (and ironic) color choice for ONCE AGAIN walking down the isle as the bridesmaid and not the bride.

I've tried to find love and romance. I've gone to church functions frequented by singles, I've endured E-Harmony and Match.com, I've "put myself out there" so to speak. There have even been a few (VERY few) men in my life, but ultimately no one was captured by my particular brand of "beauty" and personality.... As much as I sometimes (okay, often) struggle with loneliness and isolation, I think I struggle more with judgment from others about WHY I'm still achingly alone.

The following is an example of the advice I've received. It's funny, unless I'm experiencing PMS.....

DISCLAIMER: If you are NOT single and have offered this advice to me, please know that I FORGIVE YOU, just as I hope you forgive me for all of the advice I've tried to offer about marriage..... :)

STAGES OF ADVICE:

AGE 18-22: Enjoy your freedom, you don't need a boyfriend right now, you have your whole life ahead of you! Don't worry.
AGE 23-26: Do you have a boyfriend? No? Don't worry about it, you'll meet someone when the time is right.
AGE 27-30: Who are you dating? No one? How do you meet men? Don't worry, you'll meet someone, there's someone for everyone. You're still young.
AGE 31-34: Have you thought about getting married? Do you want children? Have you tried a dating service? Maybe you could meet someone while taking a class. Try not to worry, you still have time.
AGE 35+: Ummmm, are you seeing anyone? Don't you want to get married and have a family? You could try wearing sexy shoes, and make sure you don't leave the house without makeup. You could lose weight and change your hair. Remember, you never get a second chance to make a first impression. Maybe you're too picky (my personal fave....) Maybe you should change "XYZ" about yourself (implying that I'm obviously not good enough or approachable enough the way I am and my flaws are exceedingly worse than anyone else's who has found love.) The good news is that women get married and have children in their 40s all the time now, and you're not in your 40s yet! But if it doesn't happen for you, remember you're single for a reason, God has a plan, and besides Jesus will be your husband..... (FYI - that's my hot button, don't say that to me unless you are prepared for a fight.) The message I hear is "IT'S TIME TO WORRY!"

So, worry is what I do. I worry that I'm not pretty enough, not smart enough, not thin enough, not funny enough, not emotionally healthy enough, not worthy enough, not pure enough. And, realistically speaking I'm right. I am never enough in and of myself. I'm fallen, and flawed, and EXTREMELY complicated, not to mention moody and independent. I'm quirky and opinionated and kind of nerdy. But everyday I reach the end of myself and in that process I become a little more of who God made me to be. And you know what? I'm still me, just a little softer and less stressed about being perfect. A little more humble, a little less judgmental, a little more of a reflection of my savior. A little better at intimacy, a little kinder, a little more compassionate. I'm more than I was because God's grace and love is enough when mine can't be.