Miss Independent

Have you ever taken a personality test? I've taken several over the years and I'm happy to report that I DO have a personality, even if it is quite quirky. On any given day according to Myers-Briggs I'm an introverted, thinker, feeler; I'm steady and conscientious on the "DISC" scale; or a melancholoy/phlegmatic who shies away from overly aggressive cholerics or extroverts. Most tests also say that I'm easy going although you may disagree if you see my temper in traffic.... BUT, if you like beavers or golden retrievers, I'm your girl because according to one test I'm a combination of the two (I wonder what that animal would look like?) If you need help picturing something so complicated and contradictory, then read on.

B is for Beaver
Strengths & Weaknesses
Perfectionist who can be too controlling, especially when under stress
Detailed, accurate and precise but can be too strict (just ask my nieces and nephews!)
Consistent and predictable but lacks spontaneity and variety; boring (I'm offended...)
Controlled, reserved and orderly but often too serious and stuffy; rigid (orderly? I don't even have a junk drawer)
Practical but not adventurous (unless I'm in Europe!!!)
Sensitive but stubborn (yep)
Conscientious but too inflexible
Analytical but slow to make decisions
Discerning but negative (the correct term is REALIST)

G is for Golden Retriever
Strengths & Weaknesses
Sensitive to others' feelings but easily hurt herself (SO true, I take EVERYTHING to heart and assume I've done something wrong most of the time)
Loyal but misses opportunities
Calm and even-keeled but lacks enthusiasm (I only jump up and down on the inside to avoid a black eye)
Non-demanding and patient but often a push-over and taken advantage of
Peace maker who hates confrontation, which can lead to missed intimacy (I'm learning to stand up for myself)
Enjoys routine and dislikes change but stays in rut, not spontaneous
Warm & relational but has a small circle of deep friendships
Accommodating but too indecisive (Duh, that's WHY I'm indecisive!)
Sympathetic, good listener who holds on to other's hurts and pains (I really do feel your pain!)

Of all my strengths and weaknesses, one characteristic keeps coming up over and over again: I have a definite independent streak hidden within my laid back nature. Of course, this is NO surprise to my family or closest friends! :-) I went to Europe the first time by myself because my mother told me she didn't think I would go through with it..... One time I played a video game for 9 hours straight in order to win a $100 bet with my dad..... I was the pre-k girl who got caught eating a cupcake during naptime and slapped the teacher who tried to take it away..... I want what I want when I want it, and I usually figure out a way to get it!

Now that I'm older and a little smarter I recognize the blessings and curses of independence. It is a good thing that I am responsible, financially solvent and able to take care of myself (at least most of the time!) But my self-sufficiency does have a few negative side effects. Often I isolate myself and live a very small, selfish life in an effort not to be "needy". I think I have to be perfect before I can let someone know and love me. Ironically, my imperfection is the best opportunity for those who know me to be an extension of Christ's grace by loving me in spite of my weaknesses. I forget that I don't need to have it all together or be completely, emotionally healthy before I can accept love. What a relief!

For those of you who put up with me let me offer my deepest, most heartfelt thanks for being an extension of God and letting him love me through you. And whether you're a lion with otter tendencies, a beaver with a lion's roar or any other "interesting" combo, I will offer you the same gift. I will take you as you come and love you as you are.

Showerhead Trauma

I am having a problem with my showerhead. I should just call my landlord, but it creeps me out to have the maintenance man in my house when I'm gone. Come to think of it, it creeps me out to have him in my house when I am here too! I don't like people I don't know in my private space, especially my shower.

Unfortunately I seem to be incapable of fixing the problem. When I turn on the shower I only get about 3 seconds of spray from the nozzle and then just a trickle. Weirder still, I get MORE of a trickle if I turn the shower on 1/2 way, which means that a lot of water pours into the bathtub. Next thing I know I'm practically swimming while trying to rinse the shampoo from my hair under the trickling showerhead, which alternates between freezing and scalding. Eventually I end up on my knees in the tub with my head stuck under the faucet, uttering words that I should not even know, let alone verbalize.

Showering this way stirs many memories of "bathing" adventures in Europe. I keenly remember my first time. The shower was in a little closet down the hall from my hotel room. I'm pretty sure there was no lock on the door; there was also no shower curtain and the showerhead was not attached to the wall, which made it difficult to soap up and rinse. How are you supposed to scrub when you're trying to control an errant nozzle? My least favorite experience was the youth hostel in Prague. It was like my junior high gym, which was traumatic enough when I was a kid, except this time it was co-ed, and I was not only worried that someone would see me naked, but that someone would steal my backpack, which obviously could not be in the shower with me. Steph and I both hated the shower on the ferry from Athens to Crete. And I was NOT thrilled with the bathroom sharing experience on the island of Patmos. Just as I was opening the unlocked bathroom door, a man walked out completely NAKED. If I remember right he was uncircumcised and very proud of himself!

Lyndel and I also endured bad showers in Prague and I had to take a photo of her the first time she saw a European shower in Vienna. The look on her face was priceless! In Paris, Rhonda and I scored a room with a shower at the "Peace & Love Youth Hostel", (we also scored second hand marijuana smoke and a roommate, but I digress.) We could not even turn around in the shower, it was THAT small, but at least we didn't have to walk down the hall! It only got worse from there and ended at the underground hotel beneath Charles de Gaulle Airport. Aside from the fact that we had to share a "French double bed", (we're not THAT close) we had to deal with the shower. It was actually in the same room as the toilet and sink, but there was no tub and nothing to separate it from the rest of the room. Once again there was no curtain (can someone please explain this weird tradition to me?) and the drain was in the middle of the floor. By the end of the shower the entire room was wet. Who had this brilliant design idea??? Is this how Europeans clean their bathrooms? Or are showers just not that important to them since they don't use them very often? ;)

Oh the memories. Funny as they are I am American through and through and I like, no LOVE American showers. That's why I will end up calling the landlord and suffering through the creepiness of having someone I don't know in my personal space. I need full spray from a showerhead that is attached to the wall. I'm boycotting European showers in the US of A. Vive la American showers!!

Valentine's Day Dread

"Who needs a heart, when a heart can be broken?"





It's only a few days before Valentine's Day and that line from the old Tina Turner classic pretty much sums up how I feel. Dealing with Valentine's Day is more difficult every year, but this year I'm raw. Cupid's arrow holds only heartbreak and rejection and is aimed at the deepest part of my heart. I am desperately trying to put on my armor so that I can survive with some dignity; I just hope it's not too late...... Part of me wants to kick myself for not being more guarded. Why was I vulnerable and open when I knew I was risking heartbreak? Because I let myself hope. Unfortunately, hope has proven to be cruel and has shown me once again that I am worthy only of the dreaded "F" word: friendship.

God's love may be all I need; but it isn't all I want! Perhaps that's not very "spiritual" but it's honest. I've dreamed many dreams, and buried most of them. Granted, some were the foolish dreams of youth - I seriously wanted to be the next Amy Grant, and embarrassingly I thought I could be. I even wrote some really cheesy songs like "Visible Changes" and "No More Goodbyes", (I'll spare you the lyrics!!) But some of my dreams were noble and I was forced to bury them anyway. It was a painful process and I still find myself grieving their death from time to time. I desperately want to believe that I will not have to bury my dream of marriage, but I'm keeping my black dress just in case.

Maybe the process of laying bare my deepest longing, of finally admitting and embracing my deepest desire and seeing it remain unfulfilled will make me more compassionate and gracious. Maybe it will make me less selfish. I don't really know. I would say that I hope it does, but I don't really trust hope right now.

So tonight I will cry my tears and tomorrow I will dry them, engage my armor and get through the day by pretending that "it's gonna be alright". (That was an ode to Amy Grant in case you missed it!)

"They that sow in tears shall reap in joy." Psalm 126:5
"Weeping may endure for a night, but joy cometh in the morning." Psalm 30:5

Technologically Challenged

I have a confession to make - I am technologically challenged. Sad but true. Instant messaging confuses me and requires me to think and then respond way too quickly. And believe it or not I have NEVER sent a text message and can barely decipher all of those mysterious codes. YGTBKM if you think I am going to waste time guessing what all of those weird abbreviations mean. FCOL, it's worse than trying to decipher a license plate, IYKWIM.

AFAIK Y2K refers to the "catastrophe" that we "narrowly" avoided on 12/31/1999; AIR is something I breathe; ATM is a cash machine; BIB is for babies and other messy eaters; CB is a car-to-car radio system that pre-dates cell phones (sadly, one of my nicknames was "Candy Bar"); CYA is something I do everyday at work......; and WC is a bathroom in Europe!

Worse still, I have managed to mess up my blog settings. Now everytime I login I am greeted in Czech. It took me awhile to figure out that Přihlásit se is where I type my name and password. I still haven't figured out what Vytvořit blog or Upozorněte aplikaci Blogger na závadný obsah na této stránce means..... I can't tell you how much I wish I had kept up my Czech lessons. Being able to say hello and goodbye and knowing how to ask for directions to the metro are not helping me right now.....

Tomorrow when my brain is not overwhelmed with secret "codes" I'll spend some time trying to fix my settings. For now I'm going to bed because I'm suddenly very, very tired......so as they say in Czech, Na shledanou!