Benched

• Proms
• Engagements
• Wedding showers
• Weddings
• Marriages
• Baby showers
• Babies
• Childrens' birthday parties
• Parenting

Just some of the ways women bond with each other.  All things I've never experienced and probably never will.  

Forgive me for whining, but today it is simply too much.  I feel left out.  Like my attempts on the field were so pathetic that the coach benched me; with no hope of me ever being good enough to even qualify as a last resort.  

On days like this, all I know to do is have a good cry and then try to count my blessings; to try and remember that I have a good life now:

• I'm happy - usually ☺
• I have amazing friends
• Family members who love me
• A good job
• Material possessions
• Travel experiences to die for
• Deep faith

The list is endless.  But it can be tricky to learn how to balance the blessings with the sadness and disappointment; the overwhelming loneliness; to own the reality of my losses while celebrating the wealth of my blessings.  

Maybe the answer is to create my own milestones and  celebrate them even if they don't make sense to anyone else.   Turn the mundane, ordinary and boring events into blowout parties!    

• Instead of a wedding shower - a housewarming party
• Instead of a baby shower - a puppy shower (which DID happen thanks to Cyndi and Dee at work!)
• Instead of a graduation ceremony - a party when I pass my CPC exam (IF I do!)

I'm sure it sounds silly to most of you, but it sounds like a lifesaver to me; a way to make my sidelined life worthy of celebrating, even if it's different from what I've always longed for and been repeatedly denied.  

I don't pretend to know how God works or why He does things so differently from my expressed wishes.  But he does and that's all there is to it. 

Learning to accept what I cannot change brings me into a deeper relationship with him and purifies me in a way that getting everything I want could never do.  I am learning how to appreciate that, but honestly I wish it weren't so painful.... 

So now, you'll have to excuse me while I open a new box of Kleenex, blow my nose for the 278th time, and then start planning a ridiculous, frivolous party, for no reason other than I am alive and kicking!  

 

God's Smile

• Earthquakes
• Tsunamis
• Riots
• Terrorist plots
• Economy
• Child abuse
• Murder
• Betrayal
• Politics

This world is in chaos and it's easy to let myself get caught up in the devastation I see around me. Then when I look at my own life, I have to fight to not be overwhelmed with disappointment. Many things are MIA. Things I wanted dearly have been replaced by withered hopes, unfulfilled longings and empty arms.

Just when I think I can take NO MORE.........

God smiles. 

(happy sigh)

Proof: I am incomprehensibly blessed with an abundance of friends who love me more than I deserve.  Friends who share life with me, even when it's messy. Friends who fight for me and let me fight for them. Friends who laugh with me, cry with me and share burdens with me.  Friends who need me and let me need them.  Friends who spoil me with time and attention.  And last week, friends who spoiled me with physical gifts on top of it all.

• Lunches
• Dinners
• Movies
• Concerts
• Art
• Giftcards
• Phone calls

All proof that God still smiles even when things look bleak.  Thank you friends for reminding me of God's grace and love toward me.  I hope I can do the same for you! 

Forgiving on a Sliding Scale

I have a new hero.  Her name is Eva Mozes Kor.  Her family of six was sent to Auschwitz during WWII.  Her mother, father and two older sisters all died in the camp.  Eva and her sister Miriam survived because they were twins, and Dr. Josef Mengele needed twins for his genetic experiments.  At 6 years of age the girls were subjected to horrific torture in the name of science.  The man known as the Angel of Death visited her daily, but failed to kill her body or spirit. 

As I watched a documentary about her life, I was struck by her ability to eventually forgive those who tortured her, even Dr. Mengele.  One statement summed up her entire outlook: "There is a lot more to my life than Auschwitz. I don't think about it every day, but it has changed my life forever." 

My own life has been fraught with pain and trauma, most of which I kept locked inside for almost 40 years.  Like Eva, there is a lot more to my life than my past traumas, but they definitely changed my life forever.  And although my experiences pale in comparison to hers and those who survived the Holocaust, genocides, wars and various other forms of torture throughout the centuries, I've struggled to forgive the people who stripped me of my innocence, of my ability to enjoy a carefree childhood, of who I could have been.

forgive [fəˈgɪv]

vb -gives, -giving, -gave, -given
1. to cease to blame or hold resentment against (someone or something)
2. to grant pardon for (a mistake, wrongdoing, etc.)
3. (tr) to free or pardon (someone) from penalty
4. (tr) to free from the obligation of (a debt, payment, etc.)

I am capable of comprehending the various definitions, but I still find myself wondering.... What does forgiveness really encompass and how do I apply it to my life?  How do I protect myself while forgiving those who have wronged me? How do I forgive those who don't want my forgiveness, or those who aren't even sorry? How do I forgive the criminals when I cannot forget the crimes? How do I stop resenting someone from wounding me without denying the existence of the wound? Can I ever trust someone again after being betrayed or hurt? The only answer I have right now is: I don't know.

Oh, I find it easy to forgive minor hurts and insults. Who cares if someone cut me off in traffic, gossiped about me, spoke harshly or generally slighted me? I have an abundance of grace in those instances. But cut me just a little deeper and suddenly I'm doling out forgiveness on a sliding scale.  The deeper the pain the less forgiveness I can muster. 

One of the most practical definitions I've heard is this: forgiveness is giving up my right to hurt you for hurting me.  I'm not there yet.  There is only one person I know who completely understands all of what forgiveness entails.  He knew that forgiveness is active and painful, but he faced it head on because he loved whom he loved (me) more than he hated what he hated (my sin): Jesus Christ, the most holy Son of God is my ultimate hero. Oh how I wish I were willing to love my offenders more than I hate what they did to me. Not just because I want to walk in obedience, but because I want to be filled with grace and mercy for my fellow travelers. I am finding that the road to forgiveness is paved with stones of humility. I must first recognize my own ability to wound and devastate others and seek forgiveness from Christ before I can offer it in return.  Only then can I forgive without reservation.

I know that I will always bear the scars of my wounds, just as Christ did, just as Eva Mozes Kor does, but I pray that those scars will not stop me from sincerely loving and pouring myself out to others. There are those who choose to live as victims forever, who stay in their own private Auschwitz, never finding freedom, peace and joy. They rot from the inside out, full of resentment and anger.  And then there is someone like Mrs. Kor who realized that physical freedom from the Nazis did not bring her freedom from the pain, she only found that when she forgave her tormentors.  

Obviously I have a long way to go in my understanding of forgiveness, grace and mercy.  I don't know much, but I do know a few things:

• Forgiveness is a process - it took Mrs. Kor 50 years!
• Forgiveness is not a denial of the truth
• Forgiveness does not erase the past
• Forgiveness does not deny or belittle the traumas we endure
• Forgiveness does not mean the offenders escape justice

Hopefully as I continue my pursuit of truth, God will grant me the ability to freely offer the same forgiveness I have been given. 

Emotional Stutters

There's a beautiful movie out now called "The King's Speech".  Last night it won four Oscars, two of which included best picture and best actor.  It was so well conceived, produced, directed and acted, and I was so completely immersed in the story, that at times I forgot it was a movie.  Colin Firth WAS the stammering King George VI.  It was thrilling to finally watch him succeed and unite Great Britain at the start of WWII.

Stammering, or stuttering as we sometimes call it, is unfamiliar to me.  I don't struggle with it personally and I'm not sure I know anyone who does.  It shocked me to feel such intense heartbreak as I saw the toll the King's stammer took on him and his family.  A stammer crippled him emotionally because he could not articulate the words his mind so desperately wanted to say.  That hit home with me.

Although I don't struggle with a physical stutter, I definitely struggle with an emotional one, or several, at times completely incapable of saying what I want or need to say, no matter how important.  People with a strong opinion or a voice of their own used to terrify me because I spent so much time trying to be whomever everyone else wanted me to be.

Perhaps my inability to find my emotional voice is why I identified so strongly with the King.  We were both silenced by our respective stutters.  Like the King it took a lot of hard work for me to find my voice and learn to use it properly.  Also like the King, even with all that I've learned and the confidence I've gained, I still stutter a little when I use it.  But, practice makes perfect and I've had a lot of opportunities to practice lately!  Maybe as I continue to acknowledge and accept the reasons for my emotional stutter(s) I will experience deeper healing, which will inspire me to keep practicing so that others will no longer notice my awkward voice.  Until then I'll memorize the words to Helen Reddy's famous song:

I am woman, hear me roar

In numbers too big to ignore

And I know too much to go back an’ pretend

‘Cause I’ve heard it all before

And I’ve been down there on the floor

No one’s ever gonna keep me down again

Oh yes, I am wise

But it’s wisdom born of pain

I’ve paid the price

But look how much I gained

If I have to

I can do anything

I am strong (strong)

I am invincible (invincible)

I am woman

Partial lyrics to I Am Woman, Hear Me Roar

The View From The Top

Flying over Greenland April 2009

Now that I'm firmly planted at the top of the proverbial hill, I have to say that I'm actually enjoying it and do not plan on leaving for quite a while.  The ascent was painful and exhausting, the hill was steep and I was not always in the best shape for the climb.  But now, although my muscles are tired, they are stronger and all of the hard work of living and healing has finally begun to pay off.   The view is breathtaking above the clouds!

Several incidents this fall and winter reminded me of how quickly life can change.   My cousin drowned and miraculously survived; a 41-year old high school friend was killed in a tragic accident; my 30-year-old receptionist suddenly lost her 41-year-old-husband to a heart attack; a former co-worker overdosed and is on a ventilator, not expected to live.  Those split-second tragedies made me more determined than ever to absorb every detail of my life, live every day to the fullest and embrace what I've got before it's gone.  I don't want to take my health, my job, my friends or my family for granted.  I don't want to miss important moments because I'm too self-absorbed to be fully present for others.  If life is like hiking then I know that the descent will be much faster than the ascent, so I'm hanging on to experience every second of a fast and furious ride! 

The greatest thing about reaching the top of the hill is the way it has changed my perspective:

• I've stopped letting others' failures against me define me negatively
• This was huge for me.  For years I simply tried to stop any one's failures against me from impacting me in anyway, but ignoring the crimes, and I do mean crimes, against me meant that I had to deny a lifetime of experiences and how they shaped me.  Since all experiences define me to some extent, I'm intentionally looking for the beauty in the pain.  It has made a world of difference and let me grieve my wounds while emerging from the process stronger, kinder, gentler and more compassionate.  God is miraculously making something beautiful out of the evil.   
• I now understand the difference between arrogance and confidence and the latter has become like a  second skin, at least most of the time!  ;-)
• I am MUCH more comfortable in my own skin and no longer feel the need to pretend to be someone I'm not.  I shattered the mold others kept trying to force me into and it was the most liberating thing I've ever done  
• I'm taking advantage of the fact that I live in a country where a woman can spread her wings and pursue an education even if she never marries or has a family.  I am going back to school.  Phase 1 has begun and I am in the beginning of an 8-month professional certification course.  Phase 2 will begin in the fall when I begin work on my Bachelor's degree - God-willing.  I'm nervous but excited and proud of myself for finally overcoming my fears related to college 
• It's important that someone in this world need me and depend on me, even if it's just an adorable little Yorkie named Zeus! 
• My faith is my own.  It's strong, deep, rich and alive and I wouldn't trade the intimacy I've found in my relationship with Christ for anything in this world

Looking forward to enjoying this view for a long time to come! 

11 in '11

GOALS: 11 in '11

1. Go to more movies IN THE THEATER (use those 50% off coupons!)
2. Try a new restaurant each month
3. Eat more Indian food
4. Cook a new recipe every month
5. Earn my CPC certification
6. Try one new bottle of wine each month
7. Spend more time with my nieces and nephews
8. Enroll in school
9. Go to a museum each month
10. Love my friends and family with abandon
11. Play more!

One Strand of Lights

There's always at least one Clark Griswold moment in my holiday decorating. Usually it occurs when one strand of annoying Christmas lights refuses to twinkle after being strung on the tree. All of that time and effort to carefully wrap the lights in between the branches, all of the anticipation of a beautifully lit tree and.......nothing. CLARK!!!!!!

This year began with a ginormous strand of broken lights in my life.  I'll spare you the gory details, but suffice it to say that things were messy and painful.  The darkness of that one little strand of lights began to eclipse the light of all of the others.  I was drowning in grief from hidden sorrow.  The unspoken story of my life haunted me and a deep fear that I would not find my way back to a fully lit life consumed me.   My faith suffered, my health took a nose-dive and I was worried that I would lose my job.  I was barely functioning.

I tried desperately to fix those tiny, broken pieces of glass, but I couldn't do it.  For a long time I wallowed in the depressing darkness.  But then I was reminded that light was living and breathing in me and would eventually triumph over the blackness.

"In the beginning was the Word, and the Word was with God, and the Word was God. He was with God in the beginning. Through him all things were made; without him nothing was made that has been made. In him was life, and that life was the light of all mankind. The light shines in the darkness, and the darkness has not overcome it."

This year when I put up my tree there was one pesky strand of lights that promptly quit working.  At first I focused all of my energy on making them twinkle, but then I gave up.  I sat and stared at my tree in disappointment.  I was focused on the unlit strand and what it represented to me when I finally noticed the other lights.  Their brightness was contagious and eventually I no longer focused on the darkness. 

Those little shimmering lights became symbols for me: of deeper faith, comforting hugs, intimate friendships, a family's laughter, my dog's snuggle, Maya's smile, life.  The list is unending.  Yes, there will always be broken lights, shards of darkness that try to steal the light, horrible memories, atrocities, deception, betrayal.  I refuse to ignore them any longer, I will acknowledge how they shape(d) me and choose to learn from them instead of fearing them.  The light Who lives in me will illuminate my path and overcome the darkness from the broken strand of lights. 

May the broken strands in your life intertwine with the light of Christ's life and unending, redeeming love.  Merry Christmas and Happy New Year!

Purple Elephant Ears

On a warm, December Saturday in South Texas a mixed group of at least 20 ladies gathered at "Painting with a Twist" to celebrate the birthdays of a few friends. We signed up to paint a replica of a famous Van Gogh painting.

Here's a look at the beautiful original:

"Irises in a Vase" by Van Gogh

Here's a look at the replica used at Painting with a Twist:

Replica by Painting with a Twist



The set-up was nice.  A cute little studio with friendly instructors, easels, aprons and large, blank canvases.  Yikes.  It's a good thing there was an abundance of wine, cheese and chocolate! 

How in the world was I, a non-visual artist going to paint something that even came close to resembling that?  The short answer?  I wasn't.  Sigh.  Let me say it another way, I WILL NOT be quitting my day job!  All of the ladies did a great job, or at least produced something much more palatable than my "beautiful disaster".  But you know what, I had a blast, we ALL did.  Lots of laughter and joy, and hey, I now have my white elephant gift for this year!    

My "masterpiece", or rather proof of my artistic failings!

"Purple Elephant Ears"



Peace in the Absence of Answers

Why ask why?  

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=yH9KRFlRFI0

Do you remember those silly commercials?  They used to be some of my favorites.  Not because I'm fond of beer ~ I'm not and my virgin lips had never even tasted alcohol at the time those spots first aired ~ but I am a girl who never ceases to ask why.  It's an annoying and exhausting trait; if I'm not asking out of curiosity then I'm asking out of anger. 

Here's a sample of the random, completely unrelated questions that zoom through my mind in any given 10-minute period:  

• Why does Dr. Pepper make me so happy?
• Why does love hurt?
• Why am I so complicated?
• Why do people stop at yield signs but yield at stop signs?
• Why do evil people steal the innocence from children?
• Why, why, why, why, WHY?

Perhaps the endless questions explain why I'm so exhausted all the time!  For some misguided reason part of me has always believed that knowing the answers to all of my questions would bring me peace. I was wrong.  Some answers did bring peace, but many times they brought additional turmoil, heartbreak and even more whys instead. 

Ironically it seems that knowing the answers is sometimes more painful than not knowing them.  Yet, I'm driven to seek them anyway.  However, I've been burned often enough that I've learned to mix the answers with an abundance of grace, peace and wisdom, otherwise the knowledge can overwhelm, confuse and destroy my fragile sense of peace.

If you had a choice between learning why or experiencing peace, which one would you choose?  This is one question that has an easy answer for me.  Instead of torturing myself with the unanswered whys, I'd rather have peace.  That doesn't mean I will ever stop searching for answers, it means I will find a way to live with the difficult ones.  It means I will put my trust in God's wisdom even when the answers don't satisfy my curiosity or sense of justice.  Ultimately that is when I find peace.

Priceless Scars

• Kayak  $800
• Life jacket  $100
• Cooler  $50
• Drowning and miraculously living to tell about it?  Priceless

My cousin Cole could be the new spokesperson for MasterCard. In mid-September he drowned while kayaking.  No one knows how long he was under the water, but it was too long.  One friend ran for help, the other dragged him from the water while performing CPR.  When he arrived at the hospital he was  unconscious and the prognosis was not good.  We all hoped and prayed that he would survive while we prepared ourselves for the worst.    

It was touch and go for awhile.  He was immediately put in a hypothermic state to slow down the damage to his organs.   When he awoke from his drug-induced coma he was miserable, but managed to display his dry sense of humor before intense abdominal pain led to emergency surgery.  Over a  foot of his colon was removed, likely damaged by the kayak or oars while he was under the water.  He was on dialysis for approximately 6 weeks, but a few weeks ago his kidneys finally began functioning on their own.  The good people at RIOSA confirmed that he had no brain damage and little physical damage.  He doesn't remember the accident but he suffers nightmares nonetheless.  He is healing but is too skinny now, his skin stretching uncomfortably over his formerly muscular, 6'11 frame.  Cole is alive, and our family is unbelievably grateful, but he has scars now. 

We all have scars. I don't know about you, but I am always aware of the wounds that caused mine.  Although they are not physically obvious they've left jagged little marks all over my life, and I've resented them for many years.  Only lately have I begun to realize the limitless value of those ugly marks.  Of course I wish that the wounds had never occurred. I wish there was nothing unsightly marring my desired perfect state, no hideous memories to haunt me.  But the scars remain despite my denial.  Now they are priceless because they remind me that I'm a survivor.  They remind me of valuable lessons and confirm that I have a purpose.  They focus my passion for justice and deepen my faith.  They have become priceless because I have chosen to use them to my advantage instead of living in the bitterness of the original wounds.  They have become priceless because they have shown me the way to peace in the absence of answers.

Every time I see or feel my scars I am aware that I survived for a reason and that I have a purpose.  I pray that every time Cole looks at the jagged marks on his own body he remembers that he survived and was spared for a purpose too.  I pray the same for you.