Beauty from Ashes

Earlier this week, after a long day at the office I stopped by my apartment to see how the renovation was progressing.  It was depressing.  The sub-floors were exposed, the appliances were all lined up in the dining area, the brick was hideously sooty and the walls were painted the wrong color.  The place I had called home for nearly five years resembled a shack and smelled of the fire that had displaced me and caused so much trauma and damage 5 weeks earlier.  

As I walked through my home a deep sadness settled over me.  I missed my space.  I missed my neighbors.  I missed my freedom.  Mostly, I missed my life. I exited through the broken patio door, frustrated and teary, wondering when my life would return to normal. The only things that remained from my former life were a few charred plants sitting forlornly on the bare, concrete slab outside. The pots were covered in soot, the once beautiful, flowering plants dead from the fire. Then I took a closer look and discovered a plant growing in one of those pots, blooming with bright red flowers despite the odds.  Even more shocking was the realization that it was NOT the same plant that was there the day of the fire.  It was a plant that had I had killed three years earlier.  

Maybe it's because I'm in a heightened emotional state, but I am more aware than ever of the valuable lessons to be learned from suffering. It's not lost on me that the very week I saw the blooms that I had killed burst through damaged soil with new life, is the same week that commemorates the death and resurrection of Jesus, the one who sacrificed his life for me only to burst through the tomb after three long days.  A beautiful symbol of Easter is blooming on my back porch. Beauty from ashes in a soot-covered pot.  I hope your Easter is full of peace and new life this year!     

The Year of the LORD’s Favor

The Spirit of the Sovereign LORD is on me, 

   because the LORD has anointed me 

   to proclaim good news to the poor. 

He has sent me to bind up the brokenhearted, 

   to proclaim freedom for the captives 

   and release from darkness for the prisoners, 

 to proclaim the year of the LORD’s favor 

   and the day of vengeance of our God, 

to comfort all who mourn, 

  and provide for those who grieve in Zion

to bestow on them a crown of beauty 

   instead of ashes, 

the oil of joy 

   instead of mourning, 

and a garment of praise 

   instead of a spirit of despair. 

They will be called oaks of righteousness, 

   a planting of the LORD 

   for the display of his splendor.

Isaiah 61: 1-3

Grandma Jim

I'm missing my Grandma Jim today.  No particular reason, other than we would have celebrated her (94th?) birthday this week.  Maybe that's why she has been on my mind more than usual lately.  She was my favorite person;  affectionate, kind, friendly, genuine, happy, loving and just plain adorable.  A registered nurse in her younger days and a hippie, Yoga instructor and massage therapist in her twilight years, she worked through her retirement for travel money. And travel she did through 6 continents and numerous countries. Whether she was exploring Asia, enjoying Australia and New Zealand, hiking Machu Picchu on her 80th birthday, backpacking in Europe, roaming around India or riding camels in the shadow of the Egyptian pyramids, she was optimistic about others and wanted to know as much as she could about the world she inhabited.  I proudly blame her for my travel addiction and love of adventure!

Now don't get me wrong, she wasn't perfect, but she somehow understood me and loved me better than anyone else ever has.  She encouraged me to grow into myself instead of worrying about being who others thought I should be.  She didn't judge me when I went through awkward phases, she just loved me in spite of myself.  I would always be a princess to her.  She actually believed that I was one of the most amazing creatures she had ever known.  She loved me uniquely and without pretense, and she loved me in ways I didn't realize I needed until much later in my life.  That is an amazing feat in this broken world and I only hope I can grow into someone who loves as well as she did.  

Grandma Jim didn't see color or status; she wasn't turned off by mental illness, addiction or blatant flaws.  She just loved people where they were. One of the best flesh and blood examples of how well Jesus loves; He was able to love so many people through her.  Personally she was able to reach a part of me that no one else could.  A very lonely, miserable little girl pretending that life was okay, I desperately needed to know that I could be loved despite the damage that had hammered my heart and soul for so many years.  Now I can look back and see God's footprints all over my life, when I could not see them before. I am overwhelmed with the love and grace extended to me and I want to be the kind of person who lets his love, mercy and grace flow through me instead of greedily withholding it when others disappoint me, speak ill of me or make unfair assumptions and judgments about me.

I am so grateful for the time I had with her, but oh do I wish she were still walking around in the flesh; free as a bird, happy, friendly, funny and more than a little crazy.  Instead her ashes are scattered at the family cabin built by my grandfather and great uncle shortly after they returned from fighting in WWII.  It has been over 10 years since we said goodbye and I'm missing her more now than ever.  I wish I could talk to her, travel the world with her, get a bear hug from her, laugh with her, play Boggle or Tripoley with her and simply let myself feel deeply known and loved again.

I miss you Grandma Jim.  You're always in my heart.

God's Smile

• Earthquakes
• Tsunamis
• Riots
• Terrorist plots
• Economy
• Child abuse
• Murder
• Betrayal
• Politics

This world is in chaos and it's easy to let myself get caught up in the devastation I see around me. Then when I look at my own life, I have to fight to not be overwhelmed with disappointment. Many things are MIA. Things I wanted dearly have been replaced by withered hopes, unfulfilled longings and empty arms.

Just when I think I can take NO MORE.........

God smiles. 

(happy sigh)

Proof: I am incomprehensibly blessed with an abundance of friends who love me more than I deserve.  Friends who share life with me, even when it's messy. Friends who fight for me and let me fight for them. Friends who laugh with me, cry with me and share burdens with me.  Friends who need me and let me need them.  Friends who spoil me with time and attention.  And last week, friends who spoiled me with physical gifts on top of it all.

• Lunches
• Dinners
• Movies
• Concerts
• Art
• Giftcards
• Phone calls

All proof that God still smiles even when things look bleak.  Thank you friends for reminding me of God's grace and love toward me.  I hope I can do the same for you! 

Bad Romance

Embarrassing as it is to admit I have an affinity for Lady Gaga's music.  Despite the fact that her eccentric and exhibitionist personality is quite distasteful to my more conservative sensibilities.  And as bad as the lyrics are, I mean seriously referring to male anatomy as a "disco stick" is not exactly poetic, I still listen and laugh.  Not to mention her costumes.  Honestly, if you're going to dress like a Muppet and call it art, then we're probably not going to have anything to talk about now are we? 

But her music is so catchy it makes me wanna dance, which rarely happens these days!  I bop along in my car and office completely oblivious to the spectacle I create.  The fact that I'm not embarrassed is actually more embarrassing than my horrendous dancing and singing skills!  

Rah-rah-ah-ah-ah

Roma-Roma-ma

GaGa, ooh-la-la

Want your bad romance

I want your ugly I want your disease

I want your everything as long as it's free

I want your love, love, love, love

I want your love

Hm, I don't know about you, but based on just the first few lyrics of one of my favorites, Bad Romance, I sense that Lady Gaga's idea of love and romance is pretty twisted and FAR different from my own view.  After all, I'm not really interested in getting anyone's disease!  And I'm smart enough and old enough to know that nothing is free, especially love.  It always costs something.  Just ask Jesus.  

Don't worry I'm fresh out of soap boxes so instead I'll just tell you about one of the most beautiful expressions of love I've ever witnessed.  A few years ago I watched as my niece was serenaded by her new husband at their wedding reception. Tears filled the eyes of every wedding guest as we watched him get down on one knee and belt out a song that obviously meant the world to them.  He wasn't a professional used to singing for an audience, he lacked the polish of a trained vocalist and his voice was a little shaky.  Simon Cowell would have butchered him.  But he didn't care, instead he risked humiliation and rejection to sing to the love of his life.  And in that moment he proved that he would love her without fear, and more than his pride.  It was the best performance I've seen in my entire life.  Lady Gaga should take note because that's romance, good romance.

God give me the courage to love so fearlessly, honestly and humbly!

Adventures in Puppy Parenting - Chewing it Up

What? I'm not eating your shoes...

I was just moving them for you....
Yeah, that's it!

I promise!

Ah, the teething phase, I REALLY hope he outgrows it soon. Right now as I type, my adorable puppy is gnawing the window sill while eyeing the mini-blinds and curtain. I just noticed that he has already pulled a thread from the once perfect curtain and tried to eat it. Grrr. If I didn't know better I'd think he was hungry, but his belly is most definitely full. Earlier today I had an inkling that he was up to something when he didn't follow me into the kitchen. No sooner had I left the room than he shredded the tissue I had left on the coffee table.






Exhibit A

So far he has inflicted the following damage:

1. He has eaten a hunk out of the wall
2. Destroyed my USB cord
3. Eaten tags off of every toy, blanket, doggy bed, etc. It's his favorite thing to do and it's the first thing he looks for on new toys. I frequently find his beds upside down and the tags chewed
4. Chewed the window sill , curtains and window blinds AND gnawed my sofa cushion, pillows, blankets, comforter, towels, shoes and purse
5. Attempted to eat the vacuum cord, computer cord, lamp cord, or any other cord - if he can get to it it's fair game
6. Mutilated several toys - his bunny is missing it's tail and her back leg is practically severed; his teething bone is unrecognizable and I frequently step on the hard pieces of blue rubber; his bouncy ball is no more - he chewed it in half, ate some of the rubber before I could get to it and proceeded to throw up on my bed, at 4:00 am - um, I'm afraid I wasn't too gracious about it either!

Exhibit B

Sigh. If he wasn't so darn cute he'd be in the dog house, literally. But when he looks at me with his tongue sticking out I find him absolutely irresistible and smother him with kisses! He's got my number!

Puppy Love!

On May 30, 2009 I became the proud "mama" of a bouncing (he literally bounces), 3 pound baby boy named Zeus. He now weighs in at 6.1 pounds and fills my mornings and nights with lots of play and affection.

Here is the photo that made me want to meet him:

Here are a few more recent photos that cannot even possibly begin to capture why I love him SO much:

Sigh, all prejudices aside he really is one of the MOST adorable puppies I've ever seen, and because of his adorableness I now know all of my neighbors and random people who walk by. He attracts A LOT of attention, and he's so friendly and playful that most people are smitten with him immediately. He's a sensitive little guy who gets his feelings hurt when other dogs do not want to be his friend. One of our neighbors Ginger, a Shitzu mix, actually bit him a few weeks ago. But he doesn't hold grudges and his initial sadness wore off after, oh 2 seconds or so. He is a persistent little chap who STILL tries to play with her when he sees her, but I am a wee bit overprotective and remind him gently that she tried to eat him, so no we will NOT be making her acquaintance! Popeye, the silver and black poodle who lives next door, is also a wee bit grouchy but he is warming up to Zeus little by little. Poor Zeus, he really doesn't understand how annoying he is to the elderly.

Anyway, I'm sure I'll have LOTS of stories to tell about my "Adventures in Puppy Parenting". I'm convinced that I should write the sequel to "Marley & Me" because apparently I have his spawn.....

Deconstructing Robin

Ever been struck by a wrecking ball??? Okay, not literally but figuratively? Well, just for the record, it hurts, I know from personal experience! The destruction of everything I have been into all I was meant to be is a painful process. I suppose the rejection of being the person your circumstances would have you believe you are, to becoming the person God intended you to be when he first breathed life into your soul happens to every seeker eventually. But it's not fun. Ever.

Admittedly I'm a bit befuddled. How do I really embrace becoming more (according to God's design) while becoming less (according to my own design)? I'm wary of the doctrine that tells me to just "be myself". Because the reality is that if left to my own devices I am self-absorbed, arrogant, overly independent and withdrawn. My natural inclination is to serve myself, not God or anyone else. And sadly, in my efforts to "serve and protect" (myself) I hurt others by conveniently forgetting the greatest commandments spoken of by Jesus. Something about loving him with all my heart, mind and soul and loving others as much as I love myself. Ouch. I have definitely failed at those two things!

Since becoming MORE of a narcissistic idiot is not really on the agenda, I've GOT to figure it out pretty quickly. If only I didn't have an overabundance of rough edges, which I have intentionally overlooked for most of my life. If only I were already there. If only. But instead I find myself in the middle of a long (I hope) marathon and feeling a bit overwhelmed at how much work God still has to do in me. How much more wrecking needs to be done before I can begin sifting through the rubble? When can I clean up the mess?

Well I don't know and God is not really forthcoming with his timetable. At least he's patient with me. And thankfully I have patient friends who remind me that they love me even when I can't understand why. So the wrecking will continue. My only word of caution if you're in the vicinity is to look out for falling debris! Good luck, you're gonna need it. ;-)

A Transparent Life

trans-par-ent
-adjective


1. so sheer as to permit light to pass through; diaphanous.
2. easily seen through, recognized, or detected.
3. manifest; obvious.
4. open; frank; candid.

Remember how fun it used to be to play hide and seek as a child? As I was watching my friend's son "hide" a few weeks ago, I was struck by how much more effort he put in to being found than to staying hidden. He made noise, he moved furniture, he giggled - he didn't REALLY want to stay hidden....he wanted to be found! And once he was found there was great excitement, sure he hid again but only because he knew (hoped?) that someone would find him. As any child will tell you, hiding isn't fun if no one ever finds you.

So I've been trying to figure out the ways that I hide, and while too detailed to list on a public blog, it's obvious that pretending is one of the biggest ways I conceal myself. I'm a master. I may not excel in much but by golly I've figured out how to hide without being found! Now you may chuckle because you think that you can "accurately" read me, but I can assure you you're wrong at least 90% of the time. I'm really good at letting you believe what you want to believe about me. It takes years for most people to realize that they never had me figured out to begin with. So now I'm trying to be honest.....at least with my closest friends.....when they ask direct questions.....and keep asking until I spill it..... Maybe someday I'll be less complicated and easier to handle!

In the meantime I'm doing a lot of wondering. How do I live more transparently? What does that even mean? What does it look like? It can't mean spilling my guts to every person I know, but I'm convinced that it needs to involve more honesty on my part; it needs to involve letting those closest to me find me as I deal with the fallout of living in a broken world. But first I have to become transparent, so the light of Christ can shine through me, so that the truth of who I am CAN be seen, which is impossible if I'm blocking the light by refusing to open the door to the reality that comes knocking every morning. Transparency requires that I let people see the often ugly truth, not a mirage of perfection.

If the truth, meaning the person of Christ, will "set me free", why am I so afraid? Why are any of us afraid? Perhaps revealing ourselves to mortals is frightening because we judge each other more harshly that God does. And we don't love selflessly. And we don't truly understand grace. My prayer for 2009 is that I become a woman whose transparency allows the beauty of Christ's light to shine through me. A woman who offers the love, grace and mercy to others that God offers so freely to me. A woman who loves freely, even when it hurts. There will be times when I selfishly decide to hide to protect myself from the sting of disappointment. There will be times when I will love in an effort to have my own needs met. There will be many times when I will react in anger instead of love. But, I have a beacon of hope already in me, the light of life, the truth. I just have to open the door so He can shine through. Hopefully you'll experience more of him through me in 2009. That's my prayer.

Resting in the Mystery

Sometimes I long for the idealism of my youth. Everything was black and white, right or wrong. Shades of gray were unacceptable because I had it all figured out, you know - life, faith, the reason for living, etc. I thought I knew so much! Ummm, yeah. Not any more. Now I really am smarter and know that, well - I know VERY little. And for that I owe all of the credit to God. He has done a stellar job of deconstructing my ideals, and much to my chagrin he constantly escapes the box I try to keep him in. Darn it! If he would just be who I want him to be.... At least I can be thankful for the fact that he is more interesting and gracious and compassionate than how he was presented to me. He is more. He is beyond definition. He is mystery.

The past several years have found me finally resting in the mysteries of faith instead of trying to figure them out. And although there is nothing wrong with ideals and honest questions, for a long time I found myself wrestling with theology, and worrying about whether or not I was a Calvinist or Arminian more than just believing God and taking him at his word. His word became less about him and more about the various doctrines or opinions of others. It was a very limiting and legalistic way to live and view the world, sorely lacking in grace and love.

Now when I'm confused or find myself striving for answers I'll never have, I seek quiet and stillness. He always shows up and makes his presence known to me. He moves me with beauty. He loves me with compassion. He loves me with himself! He delights in calling my name ever so quietly. He speaks to me through his word. He is Immanuel. He is with me. He is. His mystery dances with truth and I no longer try to tear them apart or analyze and dissect them, because God knows I hate it when others do that to me! And as I've I've begun to expose the deep wounds of my heart to his love I've discovered that there is healing and hope, I've discovered that I can rest in his mystery.

"I'd forgotten who I was until I stumbled through my history. I came to life because you were there." Without a Clue, by Matthew Perryman Jones.

"Take me to a place where love can mend these wounds, where mystery can dance with truth, and the broken soul finds refuge......lead me to a place where beauty dwells." Refuge by Matthew Perryman Jones.

Great Expectations

I had such great expectations when I was young. Expectations of how my life would play out and of who the characters would be.... how many children I would have, how wonderful my husband would be and how perfect I would be as both a wife and mother. (Yes I know, a very idealized view, perhaps almost as idealized as the single lifestyle is by married folks........grass is always greener!) Those expectations were formed in my ultra conservative private school and on Sundays as I was bombarded with the message that they were the nirvana of womanhood. Now that those worthy goals have been shattered by reality I find it hard to keep believing that doctrine.

In the pain of accepting both God's and my own choices for my life I cringe when the church teaches that there is no higher calling for a woman than M&M: marriage and motherhood. What does that mean for me, a single and childless woman? The very teaching implies that my life has less value because of my romantic failures and broken body! I'm smart enough to know that the doctrine is a lie but it is so deeply embedded in my soul, and in the soul of the church, that sometimes I live like I still believe it, especially because M&M are the only two things I ever really wanted. Therein lies the problem.

Lately I've been asked repeatedly how I deal with the disappointment and loneliness without extreme bitterness. After one friend asked a variation of that question her husband wisely asked "what makes you think she has?" Nailed it. It's definitely a roller coaster for me, some days are good and some days are very, very bad. As I contemplated the question I remembered the countless nights I've cried myself to sleep; the numerous times I've awakened to the sound of silence, keenly aware that I will not be hearing a baby's cry (who wishes for that right?); or the thousands of times I've arrived home to an empty house with no one to share the dailiness of living. The cold, hard fact is that there is no one who cares about the mundane things in my life like whether or not traffic was terrible; if a patient yelled at me; if I had a delicious lunch; or....you get the idea. Every day I arrive home and face the reality that no one is there for me in the little things, and it's in the little things where I'm the most lonely, and the most susceptible to bitterness.

Today my personal challenge (can't worry about tomorrow's challenge) is to let Christ transform my life into something of value because of who he is. To invite him into the pain and disappointment, into the loneliness and heartbreak instead of denying that they are present. That's a risky proposition because being honest about the excruciating loneliness means that I must be vulnerable to God AND to those he has tasked to love me. Many people are uncomfortable with gut-wrenching honesty or authentic expressions of pain, most just want to "fix" the problem (me) and move on. Thankfully I have found a few people who seem to enjoy the challenge that is me, and actually try to love me when I'm impossible and support me when I'm sad. Each time they do I see a little more clearly how deeply my Savior loves me. My prayer is that as I find peace and healing, I will love those friends as purely and support them as selflessly even when their great expectations give way to reality.

Fragile

Sometimes I feel so fragile. Like a wounded bird trying desperately to flutter her wings and soar high above all of the turmoil in this world. Lately I have been overcome with sorrow at how flawed humanity is, how deeply flawed I am. I find myself grieving old wounds and examining events in my life that I would rather forget. In an effort to hide my fragility I inadvertently hurt those I love the most by slipping into a hard demeanor and refusing to be open and vulnerable.

People who tell me they love me, people whom I would wage war to keep in my life have tried to encourage me. They have loved me, spoken the truth and been present when I have tried to hide. And even though I cannot imagine my life without them, I still find it difficult to let their love seep into my bones.

Then there is the matter of my faith. I wish I could live what I profess to believe, that God actually loves me just as he finds me, in all of my messiness. I wish I could remember that his love really is better than mine. Sometimes the experience of his love is so obvious that I can wrap myself up in it like a warm blanket and just rest. But most of the time I find it difficult to accept that I am actually lovable without performing, so I find myself doing things to try to gain his approval, hoping that he will reward me by infusing me with his love and answering yes to some of my petitions. And if the reward I want doesn't come or I don't feel loved, I assume that I have failed, he loves me less than others and I am unworthy of anything better.

Slowly, VERY slowly, I am chipping away at the walls I have erected around my tender heart and replacing the lies I have embraced with the truth that God thinks I am worth fighting for, even though I've never believed that to be true. I am involved in a very intense prayer study based on the teachings of St. Ignatius, and through this study I am learning more about God and more about myself every day. St. Ignatius would probably say that this sorrow I feel is a consolation (gift) because it is leading me into deeper intimacy with my Creator. All I know is that even though the process is excruciating and I am more aware of my humanity than ever, I feel deeply connected to my Savior and strangely peaceful. So even though I have been a bit more contemplative than normal and more sensitive, I'm okay. I'm finding my way and learning how to live in this new skin. I'll close with my favorite line from an Andrew Peterson song that is on repeat in my CD player:

All of my life
I've held onto this fear
These thistles and vines ensnare and entwine
What flowers appeared.

It's the fear that I'll fall
One too many times
It's the fear that His love
Is no better than mine.

But He tells me
Just as I am
Just as I was
Just as I will be
He loves me, He does
He showed me the day
That He shed His own blood,
He loves me, oh He loves me, He loves me He does.

Miss Independent

Have you ever taken a personality test? I've taken several over the years and I'm happy to report that I DO have a personality, even if it is quite quirky. On any given day according to Myers-Briggs I'm an introverted, thinker, feeler; I'm steady and conscientious on the "DISC" scale; or a melancholoy/phlegmatic who shies away from overly aggressive cholerics or extroverts. Most tests also say that I'm easy going although you may disagree if you see my temper in traffic.... BUT, if you like beavers or golden retrievers, I'm your girl because according to one test I'm a combination of the two (I wonder what that animal would look like?) If you need help picturing something so complicated and contradictory, then read on.

B is for Beaver
Strengths & Weaknesses
Perfectionist who can be too controlling, especially when under stress
Detailed, accurate and precise but can be too strict (just ask my nieces and nephews!)
Consistent and predictable but lacks spontaneity and variety; boring (I'm offended...)
Controlled, reserved and orderly but often too serious and stuffy; rigid (orderly? I don't even have a junk drawer)
Practical but not adventurous (unless I'm in Europe!!!)
Sensitive but stubborn (yep)
Conscientious but too inflexible
Analytical but slow to make decisions
Discerning but negative (the correct term is REALIST)

G is for Golden Retriever
Strengths & Weaknesses
Sensitive to others' feelings but easily hurt herself (SO true, I take EVERYTHING to heart and assume I've done something wrong most of the time)
Loyal but misses opportunities
Calm and even-keeled but lacks enthusiasm (I only jump up and down on the inside to avoid a black eye)
Non-demanding and patient but often a push-over and taken advantage of
Peace maker who hates confrontation, which can lead to missed intimacy (I'm learning to stand up for myself)
Enjoys routine and dislikes change but stays in rut, not spontaneous
Warm & relational but has a small circle of deep friendships
Accommodating but too indecisive (Duh, that's WHY I'm indecisive!)
Sympathetic, good listener who holds on to other's hurts and pains (I really do feel your pain!)

Of all my strengths and weaknesses, one characteristic keeps coming up over and over again: I have a definite independent streak hidden within my laid back nature. Of course, this is NO surprise to my family or closest friends! :-) I went to Europe the first time by myself because my mother told me she didn't think I would go through with it..... One time I played a video game for 9 hours straight in order to win a $100 bet with my dad..... I was the pre-k girl who got caught eating a cupcake during naptime and slapped the teacher who tried to take it away..... I want what I want when I want it, and I usually figure out a way to get it!

Now that I'm older and a little smarter I recognize the blessings and curses of independence. It is a good thing that I am responsible, financially solvent and able to take care of myself (at least most of the time!) But my self-sufficiency does have a few negative side effects. Often I isolate myself and live a very small, selfish life in an effort not to be "needy". I think I have to be perfect before I can let someone know and love me. Ironically, my imperfection is the best opportunity for those who know me to be an extension of Christ's grace by loving me in spite of my weaknesses. I forget that I don't need to have it all together or be completely, emotionally healthy before I can accept love. What a relief!

For those of you who put up with me let me offer my deepest, most heartfelt thanks for being an extension of God and letting him love me through you. And whether you're a lion with otter tendencies, a beaver with a lion's roar or any other "interesting" combo, I will offer you the same gift. I will take you as you come and love you as you are.

My "Secret"

Dating for an older, Christian woman in a post-modern world is complicated. Morals are relative now, and mine seem prudish and old-fashioned, and sometimes like a self-imposed prison. I find myself in a real pickle. Co-workers say I should tease my hair, layer my face with makeup and dress in cleavage bearing, butt-hugging clothes. While I'm sure there would be one man drunk enough to appreciate that look, I'm equally sure that no matter how desperate I may be, I'm not so desperate that he would get lucky!

To top it off, I don't fit the mold of the typical "Stepford-Christian" woman. I'm not very conservative, I'm extremely independent and opinionated and I don't put up with a lot of b.s. Not exactly the type of woman most of the "Christian" men I know are looking for in a wife.

So now I'm going to tell you a secret that I have kept hidden from many people because I fear appearing desperate. I'm a member of E-harmony. There, I actually admitted it. It makes me squirm, and I am blushing as I type! Online dating is just weird.

I have trouble figuring out how to put my best "profile" forward. Do I have a picture that is somewhat flattering but not misleading? Do I admit how neurotic I am? Should I try to appear witty or studious? Ugh....it's enough to drive me insane. I want someone to love me as I am, not as I appear or as he idealizes me to be. Part of me just wants to tell these would-be suitors that I'm deeply flawed and insecure and will likely annoy by asking incessant questions and displaying extreme independence. I'm overweight (but losing!), lazy on the weekends and selfish when it comes to my stash of Diet Cherry Vanilla Dr. Pepper. I also cry at sappy commercials/movies/songs, exhibit signs of road-rage, wake up grumpy and get very out of sorts if I don't get enough "me-time". I am prone to hogging the remote control and hiding the dark chocolate, and will only share my Ben and Jerry's "Phish Food" if you're really, REALLY nice to me. Yet, I also love passionately and would do anything for the man who decides he can handle me. I take time to get to know, but then I'm not so bad (I hope). It's hard to communicate that in 100 words or less.....

Apparently my profile still needs some work, because listed below are just a couple of my experiences:

Guy #1 – The Perverted Cowboy
I started to doubt E-harmony’s matching capabilities when they cheerfully sent me this match. The first strike against the poor bloke was the photo that he proudly labeled “Me in Thailand with hangover”. Hmmm, a potential alcoholic……charming. In one of his other photos he was wearing tight jeans, ropers and a ten-gallon cowboy hat while standing next to a Texas-sized pick-up truck. Uh-oh, a “good ol’ boy”. Apparently E-harmony didn't get my memo - I'M NOT FOND OF COWBOYS!

But, since beggars can’t be choosers, I gamely answered his questions. By the time we got to his “Must Have/Can’t Stand” list I knew that we would not get together unless the temperature dropped below 32° in Hell.

Here are a few of his “Must Haves”:
Passionate – she must be open to exploring his sexual desires
Verbal Intimacy – he must be certain she is sharing her deepest thoughts and feelings (sounds just like me doesn't it?)
Affectionate – she must be comfortable accepting and receiving public affection
Church Member – she must be a regular attendee or active member of church

My interpretation was that this guy was a perverted cowboy who would read my journal and maul me at church. Do I hear 3 cheers for E-harmony???

STATUS: MATCH CLOSED by me, a frigid, emotionally distant, reserved, church attendee.
UPDATE: MATCH RE-OPENED BY HIM saying that I would feel differently if I met him in person. Does anyone else see “stalker” written all over this??
MATCH CLOSED AGAIN by me, a girl who would be really freaked out right now if E-harmony were not anonymous!

Guy #2 – The Indecisive Teacher
Do you know anyone who likes to be put on hold? I added up the amount of time I spent listening to MUZAK last week and was quite irritated that 2.67 hours of my precious life was wasted as I mindlessly hummed along with every Barry Manilow, Neil Diamond and Air Supply song known to man (Appropriately “Making Love Out of Nothing at All” was featured frequently on MUZAK last week.)

Well……E-harmony has this lovely little option where one can put a match “on hold” instead of completely ending communication. Kind of like “sort-of” breaking up with someone which is oh so much fun for the person unexpectedly put into limbo.

So after exchanging questions and answers with this teacher, he ……PUT ME ON HOLD! I was faced with a dilemma, should I close communication with him or leave him on hold and see if he would contact me again? Decisions, decisions.

STATUS: MATCH PLACED ON HOLD by him, an apparently indecisive teacher. Since I didn’t close communication, I guess it says that I’m indecisive too, we must be an ideal match, well maybe not, oh I just can’t decide……

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Sigh.... All humor aside, the biggest lesson I've learned is that it's very easy to be too narrow-minded. If someone doesn't strike my fancy within the first few minutes of reading his profile, I can close his account with a click of the button, and I have. If my photo doesn't live up to his standards of beauty, he can close my account just as quickly, and trust me - he does. After all, there are millions of fish swimming in the sea....

It's so easy to forget that getting to know someone takes time and energy and a real commitment. Chemistry is not based solely on physical attraction, yet men want a photo immediately. Women on the other hand want emotional intimacy and hope to glimpse a man's heart based on the statements made in his profile. On the web, there is something important lost in the process. For me, it's the human interaction and real connection I get from talking in person to a living, breathing man. That excites me. Seeing his face, his mannerisms, his smile. Answering a million questions about myself and revealing part of my heart to someone online feels clinical - and it's way too easy for both of us to pretend.

Yet, I still haven't closed my account, maybe because at least online someone is showing some interest in me, and I don't even have to be dressed like a "hoochie mama". In the real world, that NEVER happens anymore and sometimes my fragile ego needs a boost. I need to know that at least one man responds to me or finds me attractive. That's why I log in and answer really lame questions and try to sound witty and charming. Hope really does spring eternal, doesn't it?

A Moment to Myself

It's interesting how my friends who are married with children view my life. They come into my home and admire my "things". They comment on how clean and pretty my abode is. They look longingly at breakables prominently displayed on the coffee table. They must imagine that I walk into my home each evening and sigh contentedly, thrilled at the prospect of having a moment to myself after a long day. Sometimes that's true, sometimes I am so drained by my day that I do enjoy the peace and quiet of my space. It's unique and beautiful and quiet and clean, but equally empty of love and passion and purpose. Every day I wake up and face the world completely alone. Yes, I know I have God, family and friends, but trust me when I tell you, they don't quite fill the longing for companionship, affection or intimacy!

So I try to figure out ways to give of myself to others. I try to engage my coworkers, be present for friends and let the people I love know that they are important and special. But what I wish they would realize is that loneliness can be suffocating and while every one craves a moment alone, most people do not crave a lifetime of moments alone, and a lifetime is what I have.