Valentine's Day Dread

"Who needs a heart, when a heart can be broken?"





It's only a few days before Valentine's Day and that line from the old Tina Turner classic pretty much sums up how I feel. Dealing with Valentine's Day is more difficult every year, but this year I'm raw. Cupid's arrow holds only heartbreak and rejection and is aimed at the deepest part of my heart. I am desperately trying to put on my armor so that I can survive with some dignity; I just hope it's not too late...... Part of me wants to kick myself for not being more guarded. Why was I vulnerable and open when I knew I was risking heartbreak? Because I let myself hope. Unfortunately, hope has proven to be cruel and has shown me once again that I am worthy only of the dreaded "F" word: friendship.

God's love may be all I need; but it isn't all I want! Perhaps that's not very "spiritual" but it's honest. I've dreamed many dreams, and buried most of them. Granted, some were the foolish dreams of youth - I seriously wanted to be the next Amy Grant, and embarrassingly I thought I could be. I even wrote some really cheesy songs like "Visible Changes" and "No More Goodbyes", (I'll spare you the lyrics!!) But some of my dreams were noble and I was forced to bury them anyway. It was a painful process and I still find myself grieving their death from time to time. I desperately want to believe that I will not have to bury my dream of marriage, but I'm keeping my black dress just in case.

Maybe the process of laying bare my deepest longing, of finally admitting and embracing my deepest desire and seeing it remain unfulfilled will make me more compassionate and gracious. Maybe it will make me less selfish. I don't really know. I would say that I hope it does, but I don't really trust hope right now.

So tonight I will cry my tears and tomorrow I will dry them, engage my armor and get through the day by pretending that "it's gonna be alright". (That was an ode to Amy Grant in case you missed it!)

"They that sow in tears shall reap in joy." Psalm 126:5
"Weeping may endure for a night, but joy cometh in the morning." Psalm 30:5

A Moment to Myself

It's interesting how my friends who are married with children view my life. They come into my home and admire my "things". They comment on how clean and pretty my abode is. They look longingly at breakables prominently displayed on the coffee table. They must imagine that I walk into my home each evening and sigh contentedly, thrilled at the prospect of having a moment to myself after a long day. Sometimes that's true, sometimes I am so drained by my day that I do enjoy the peace and quiet of my space. It's unique and beautiful and quiet and clean, but equally empty of love and passion and purpose. Every day I wake up and face the world completely alone. Yes, I know I have God, family and friends, but trust me when I tell you, they don't quite fill the longing for companionship, affection or intimacy!

So I try to figure out ways to give of myself to others. I try to engage my coworkers, be present for friends and let the people I love know that they are important and special. But what I wish they would realize is that loneliness can be suffocating and while every one craves a moment alone, most people do not crave a lifetime of moments alone, and a lifetime is what I have.