Five Years of Never

Five years pass faster than they are long. In the midst of day-to-day life, the length of one thousand, eight hundred and twenty-six days feels slooooow. But looking at them in the review mirror, you realize they passed like vapor. 

Tears fall heavy as I remember this day sixty months ago; the day my momma left this earth. A full week after Mother's Day. Seven days after I last heard her speak to me. It was a week of sleepless nights, long workdays, stress, never-ending worry, and endless tasks. Trying to keep my dad fed, clean, and hydrated as our family's hearts were breaking into millions of shards wore on everyone. My nephews kept watch during the day and did most of the heavy lifting. My youngest brother and I tried to rotate, but I could not stay away. I obsessively kept tabs on everyone until I could get there after work. It was a week of dread and worry about how dad would cope without her. Of how I would. 

More than anything it was a week of impending heartbreak. Although slowly breaking for several years, I had no idea how much more my heart could and would continue to break. It has now been five years of nevers ~

~never hearing her voice~

~never hearing her play her beloved piano~

~never listening to one of her stories~

~never hearing her laugh~

~never hugging her~

There are so many nevers attached to grief. Permanent nevers paid upon death. Nevers that snowball with the accumulation of losses and overwhelm tender hearts. No one escapes them. They dot the road ahead like mile markers. 

Ah, but flip your point of view and suddenly they become beautiful.

My mom is now on the better side of never ~

~never feeling pain~ 

~never getting lost in her dementia~

~never having another seizure or stroke~

~never fighting with her daughter 😉~

~never shedding a sad tear~

Her nevers are pretty amazing now. The realization of the hope of heaven that carried her to eternity. I know she is happy and finally at peace, but I sure do miss her down here. 

Wherever you are on your journey, I hope you find hope and peace for the nevers that haunt you.