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I had a day off last Friday and do you know what I did? Absolutely nothing important. I didn't answer my phone. I didn't take a shower. I didn't change out of my pajamas. I didn't get my mail. I didn't take a walk. I didn't cook (I ate tortillas with hummus all day......) All I did was sleep, watch movies, sleep, eat, sleep, work on a collage, sleep, journal and sleep some more (I don't feel too guilty about all of the sleeping since I've had insomnia for 3 weeks!) Of all the things I should have done - cleaning, organizing files, laundry, exercising - I chose to do none of them and I was blissfully happy as a result.

One of the things I love and hate about living alone is well, actually being alone. I'm such a dichotomy because on the one hand I crave intimacy and quality time with those I love (which differs greatly from quantity time), but on the other hand I need a lot of space and time alone to recharge, and trust me when I tell you that I can get pretty irritable when I don't get enough of it! Just ask anyone who has lived or traveled with me. :-)

Because I still want to get married, the fact that I am so horribly selfish kind of worries me. If I can't even handle a roommate, how would I ever function as a married woman? How would I ever deal with all of the forced "quantity" time? How would I handle sharing everything with a man, even one I adore? How would I negotiate time for myself without making him feel neglected? How would I justify how I spent last Friday? How would I handle the vulnerability that a healthy marriage requires? Am I too set in my ways? Am I too old of a dog to learn new tricks? Am I too damaged?

You know, for so many years I gave every second of my life to others. Lately the pendulum has swung the other direction and I've spent a lot of time focusing on my interests. Since I've recently been reminded that the world does not revolve around me I've decided to quit hiding behind my introverted personality. Yes, I will always need space and time alone, but I no longer want to be so focused on myself that I miss out on opportunities to know and love others. I no longer want to be so self-absorbed that I forget to let God use me as an extension of his love and grace. I no longer want to be so introverted that I fail to act on behalf of the marginalized people of this world. And mostly, I no longer want to hide from the healing that healthy relationships offer, even if they push my boundaries and require more of me than I expected. So, please be patient with me as I learn how to be present and authentic and selfless. I have a long way to go. The good news is that I'm no longer reading the map upside down so at least I'm headed in the right direction!

Miss Independent

Have you ever taken a personality test? I've taken several over the years and I'm happy to report that I DO have a personality, even if it is quite quirky. On any given day according to Myers-Briggs I'm an introverted, thinker, feeler; I'm steady and conscientious on the "DISC" scale; or a melancholoy/phlegmatic who shies away from overly aggressive cholerics or extroverts. Most tests also say that I'm easy going although you may disagree if you see my temper in traffic.... BUT, if you like beavers or golden retrievers, I'm your girl because according to one test I'm a combination of the two (I wonder what that animal would look like?) If you need help picturing something so complicated and contradictory, then read on.

B is for Beaver
Strengths & Weaknesses
Perfectionist who can be too controlling, especially when under stress
Detailed, accurate and precise but can be too strict (just ask my nieces and nephews!)
Consistent and predictable but lacks spontaneity and variety; boring (I'm offended...)
Controlled, reserved and orderly but often too serious and stuffy; rigid (orderly? I don't even have a junk drawer)
Practical but not adventurous (unless I'm in Europe!!!)
Sensitive but stubborn (yep)
Conscientious but too inflexible
Analytical but slow to make decisions
Discerning but negative (the correct term is REALIST)

G is for Golden Retriever
Strengths & Weaknesses
Sensitive to others' feelings but easily hurt herself (SO true, I take EVERYTHING to heart and assume I've done something wrong most of the time)
Loyal but misses opportunities
Calm and even-keeled but lacks enthusiasm (I only jump up and down on the inside to avoid a black eye)
Non-demanding and patient but often a push-over and taken advantage of
Peace maker who hates confrontation, which can lead to missed intimacy (I'm learning to stand up for myself)
Enjoys routine and dislikes change but stays in rut, not spontaneous
Warm & relational but has a small circle of deep friendships
Accommodating but too indecisive (Duh, that's WHY I'm indecisive!)
Sympathetic, good listener who holds on to other's hurts and pains (I really do feel your pain!)

Of all my strengths and weaknesses, one characteristic keeps coming up over and over again: I have a definite independent streak hidden within my laid back nature. Of course, this is NO surprise to my family or closest friends! :-) I went to Europe the first time by myself because my mother told me she didn't think I would go through with it..... One time I played a video game for 9 hours straight in order to win a $100 bet with my dad..... I was the pre-k girl who got caught eating a cupcake during naptime and slapped the teacher who tried to take it away..... I want what I want when I want it, and I usually figure out a way to get it!

Now that I'm older and a little smarter I recognize the blessings and curses of independence. It is a good thing that I am responsible, financially solvent and able to take care of myself (at least most of the time!) But my self-sufficiency does have a few negative side effects. Often I isolate myself and live a very small, selfish life in an effort not to be "needy". I think I have to be perfect before I can let someone know and love me. Ironically, my imperfection is the best opportunity for those who know me to be an extension of Christ's grace by loving me in spite of my weaknesses. I forget that I don't need to have it all together or be completely, emotionally healthy before I can accept love. What a relief!

For those of you who put up with me let me offer my deepest, most heartfelt thanks for being an extension of God and letting him love me through you. And whether you're a lion with otter tendencies, a beaver with a lion's roar or any other "interesting" combo, I will offer you the same gift. I will take you as you come and love you as you are.