Ljubljana, Slovenia

Finally I am getting around to posting about my experiences in Slovenia (I'll post about London next time.) Has it already been over 6 months??? My how time flies...

Germany was beautiful, especially after the 36 grueling hours it took to get there! 6 days of rest with a friend who knows me well and still manages to act like she enjoys my company after 17 years. We slept late, talked, celebrated my birthday with really bad Chinese food, talked some more, sang American Idol karaoke with the kids, had tea with her German friend, talked, watched movies, hiked and enjoyed a few outings to Stauffen, Germany and Lucerne, Switzerland before I headed off on my own to explore Slovenia.

When it came time to leave Germany I was a mess of tears and anxiety. Even though I've traveled alone on numerous occasions I was genuinely surprised to experience a rush of fear as Laurie walked away and I faced a long train ride to an unfamiliar country. Anyone who has traveled by train in Europe knows the challenges of navigating the transportation system while speaking a foreign language, but doing it alone at night was daunting and took every ounce of courage I could muster. As I arrived at the main train station I realized that the tourist information office was closed, which was fitting since I could not locate my train and could have really used their help! The station was dark, cold and extremely crowded so I found a track that looked promising and waited. It was an educated guess because the departure time was close to what was reflected on my ticket AND the destination cities seemed suspiciously Slavic; however, Ljubljana was not listed and I was worried. I DID NOT want to end up in Zagreb on that particular trip! Panic was beginning to seize my heart as I listened to the unfamiliar languages and contemplated calling Laurie and just scrapping Slovenia all together. But just as I was about to lose heart the train arrived and I found a sympathetic conductor who confirmed that I was boarding the correct train and that he would awaken me when we arrived in my chosen city.

I hopped on the train with a smile of relief while fun memories of past overnight train rides filled my mind, train rides when I was in my 20s and thought that kind of thing was fun and cool. Train rides shared with others of like mind, not middle-aged Croatians and Germans who were angry that I could not speak any of their languages. Ah yes, my smile froze when I saw my compartment. I knew that this train ride would be COMPLETELY different from the adventurous rides of my youth. My "room" (it was actually smaller than most closets) had 6 bunk beds, 3 on each side and mine was on the top, right next to the ceiling. I could not even sit up and my fellow passengers had so much luggage that I was forced to sleep with my backpack on my tiny bed. And I use the word sleep lightly, because I barely did any of that. Instead I listened to a mix of Slavic and German until at least 2:00 am, apparently these strangers had become fast friends and were too wired to sleep. Finally the symphony of snoring began and I was thrilled to be the quietest of the group! All in all it was a miserable night with little sleep, cramped quarters, no privacy and possible bed bugs. Not an experience I am likely to repeat. Yep, I think my extreme budget travel days are over. I much prefer a little luxury at this stage in my life, and by luxury I mean private room and bathroom in a semi-decent hotel, not a train.

Overall my impressions of Slovenia were very favorable. Ljubljana was a gem tucked into a valley in the shadow of the Julian Alps. The people were friendlier than in most of the former Eastern Block countries I've visited. They seemed more like Austrians or Italians, maybe because they share a border! Either way they were charming, helpful and open. They were eager to share about their history and culture and even about their lives under Tito's rule of thumb. It was fascinating to learn more about the Balkans and their conflicted past.

I loved watching the locals prepare for Easter with hand-carved wooden flowers, beautifully painted eggs and palm fronds. Sitting in the stillness of the large Catholic church on Palm Sunday filled me with peace. The sound of the large pipe organ was stunning and the newly restored frescoes breathtaking.

I made my way to the castle, enjoyed the many bridges, ate lots of gelato in the crowded main square, went shopping at a large department store, ate SOME of the local food, enjoyed the Bosnian Food Festival and dancers at the street fair and spent time reading in the park. The city's charm and relaxed pace were refreshing and in many ways I was reminded of Prague.

If you get the chance to go, TAKE IT. Just take note of the following:

1. DO NOT walk in the bike lane - EVER. They WILL yell at you. If you've never been yelled at in Slovenian I can promise you it's an experience you want to avoid. In fact, I would encourage you to avoid being yelled at in ANY Slavic language. Well, being yelled at in Greek, Italian or German is also unpleasant, heck even being yelled at in English is awful, but it's worse when a large man on a fast bike is screaming before he almost runs over you! :-)
2. They eat horse meat. Really. And no, I DID NOT eat any. Been there, done that - ON ACCIDENT in Belgium. I wish I didn't know that horse meat is red, but I do. Ugh. Perhaps on a trip to Slovenia one should stick to a purely vegetarian diet. I'm just sayin'....




3. Their national soda, Cockta, was um, "hard to swallow"..... Just be warned that it's a mix of cola and lemon-lime. Neither the name nor the flavor were appetizing!



4. They serve their hot panini sandwiches with pickles and hard boiled eggs in the middle - ew! I was quite surprised when I bit into mine.
5. If you see a gelato stand - BUY yourself a scoop, it's just as good as what you find in Italy.
6. DO NOT under any circumstances stay at the hip youth hostel that was once a prison. Trust me on this one. (Yes Lane, you were RIGHT. I admit it for all the world to see, or at least the 3 people who read this blog!)

It was a lovely experience and I'm glad I braved the overnight train ride with a compartment full of strangers. Beautiful country. Fascinating history. Friendly people. Go see it for yourself sometime!

Space

I had a day off last Friday and do you know what I did? Absolutely nothing important. I didn't answer my phone. I didn't take a shower. I didn't change out of my pajamas. I didn't get my mail. I didn't take a walk. I didn't cook (I ate tortillas with hummus all day......) All I did was sleep, watch movies, sleep, eat, sleep, work on a collage, sleep, journal and sleep some more (I don't feel too guilty about all of the sleeping since I've had insomnia for 3 weeks!) Of all the things I should have done - cleaning, organizing files, laundry, exercising - I chose to do none of them and I was blissfully happy as a result.

One of the things I love and hate about living alone is well, actually being alone. I'm such a dichotomy because on the one hand I crave intimacy and quality time with those I love (which differs greatly from quantity time), but on the other hand I need a lot of space and time alone to recharge, and trust me when I tell you that I can get pretty irritable when I don't get enough of it! Just ask anyone who has lived or traveled with me. :-)

Because I still want to get married, the fact that I am so horribly selfish kind of worries me. If I can't even handle a roommate, how would I ever function as a married woman? How would I ever deal with all of the forced "quantity" time? How would I handle sharing everything with a man, even one I adore? How would I negotiate time for myself without making him feel neglected? How would I justify how I spent last Friday? How would I handle the vulnerability that a healthy marriage requires? Am I too set in my ways? Am I too old of a dog to learn new tricks? Am I too damaged?

You know, for so many years I gave every second of my life to others. Lately the pendulum has swung the other direction and I've spent a lot of time focusing on my interests. Since I've recently been reminded that the world does not revolve around me I've decided to quit hiding behind my introverted personality. Yes, I will always need space and time alone, but I no longer want to be so focused on myself that I miss out on opportunities to know and love others. I no longer want to be so self-absorbed that I forget to let God use me as an extension of his love and grace. I no longer want to be so introverted that I fail to act on behalf of the marginalized people of this world. And mostly, I no longer want to hide from the healing that healthy relationships offer, even if they push my boundaries and require more of me than I expected. So, please be patient with me as I learn how to be present and authentic and selfless. I have a long way to go. The good news is that I'm no longer reading the map upside down so at least I'm headed in the right direction!

InSoMniA

Sleep is one of my favorite things to do, especially since I upgraded from a futon to a pillow top mattress last year. Just the thought of resting in my comfy bed snuggling 3 pillows makes me sigh contentedly. I like my sheets, my comforter, my sound machine, my jammies - everything associated with sleeping. I seriously enjoy putting one day to bed and waking up to a fresh start on the next one, although I will admit that I usually don't enjoy the waking up part for at least 30 minutes, or until I've consumed 12 oz of caffeine.

Unfortunately, when I feel stressed sleep is the first friend to desert me. We've known each other my WHOLE life, and yet she abandons me at the first sign of trouble. It's really very annoying and she always leaves when I need an escape from my neurosis!!!

For the past 3 weeks I have been unable to sleep well. Not only do I have trouble falling asleep, I also have trouble staying asleep. That's why you will often receive an email from me at 3:42 am! Sometimes I clean, sometimes I blog, sometimes I read, or I pray, cry and get really angry but it doesn't matter. My dear friend has left the building and isn't planning to return until about 3:00 pm the next day, right when I'm in the middle of a meeting with 9 doctors, 12 nurses and 16 receptionists.......

Instead of counting sheep I've started counting the number of times the train whistle blows at night (it's at least 100). I've also sat on my patio and watched a surprising number of people come and go from the complex in which I live, and I wonder which one ripped me off....twice! I've listened to the sirens of police cars, ambulances and fire engines and wondered what emergency awaits them. I've flipped on the TV and watched very strange infomercials. Did you know that there is a miracle cure that "they" don't want you to know about? I'm not sure what it is because I'm too cheap to buy the book, but I could be missing out on something huge.

But mostly what I do is try to listen to God. I listen for his voice to tell me why he loves me. I listen for his voice to tell me his dreams for my life. I listen for his voice to tell me how to love and support those I cherish. And then I petition him. I petition him on behalf of the many people I love. I petition him on behalf of the hurting, broken, marginalized people trying to survive one more day in this cruel world. I petition him to draw me into deeper intimacy with him and to make me effective as his servant. I petition him to keep reminding me that I am his and worth far more than I can ever comprehend. And I thank him. I thank him for never letting go of me, even when I tried to escape. I thank him for putting faithful, beautiful, amazing people in my life who speak truth and grace and mercy and hope to me. I thank him for loving me despite my unlovable qualities. And then finally, I rest in him. I rest in the silence (except for the train and sirens). I rest in the warmth of knowing that I am his. I rest in the healing he is bringing to my deepest wounds. And I let him love me. And I love him. And then I sleep.