Benched

• Proms
• Engagements
• Wedding showers
• Weddings
• Marriages
• Baby showers
• Babies
• Childrens' birthday parties
• Parenting

Just some of the ways women bond with each other.  All things I've never experienced and probably never will.  

Forgive me for whining, but today it is simply too much.  I feel left out.  Like my attempts on the field were so pathetic that the coach benched me; with no hope of me ever being good enough to even qualify as a last resort.  

On days like this, all I know to do is have a good cry and then try to count my blessings; to try and remember that I have a good life now:

• I'm happy - usually ☺
• I have amazing friends
• Family members who love me
• A good job
• Material possessions
• Travel experiences to die for
• Deep faith

The list is endless.  But it can be tricky to learn how to balance the blessings with the sadness and disappointment; the overwhelming loneliness; to own the reality of my losses while celebrating the wealth of my blessings.  

Maybe the answer is to create my own milestones and  celebrate them even if they don't make sense to anyone else.   Turn the mundane, ordinary and boring events into blowout parties!    

• Instead of a wedding shower - a housewarming party
• Instead of a baby shower - a puppy shower (which DID happen thanks to Cyndi and Dee at work!)
• Instead of a graduation ceremony - a party when I pass my CPC exam (IF I do!)

I'm sure it sounds silly to most of you, but it sounds like a lifesaver to me; a way to make my sidelined life worthy of celebrating, even if it's different from what I've always longed for and been repeatedly denied.  

I don't pretend to know how God works or why He does things so differently from my expressed wishes.  But he does and that's all there is to it. 

Learning to accept what I cannot change brings me into a deeper relationship with him and purifies me in a way that getting everything I want could never do.  I am learning how to appreciate that, but honestly I wish it weren't so painful.... 

So now, you'll have to excuse me while I open a new box of Kleenex, blow my nose for the 278th time, and then start planning a ridiculous, frivolous party, for no reason other than I am alive and kicking!  

 

Tonight

Tonight I am tired. Tired of caring. Tired of trying. Tired of dreaming. Tired of working. Tired of bothering. Just...plain...tired.

I'm worn out from hoping, and worn out from loving, and worn out from living. Figuring out how to live in this world is exhausting. It's draining the life and soul from me. I'm...worn...out.

Sometimes I wonder why everything has to be so hard. Hope seems fruitless, and people seem cruel, and life seems uninteresting and lonely and pointless. Maybe tomorrow my hormones will be stable and the world will be happier. But not tonight, no tonight is dark and bitter, and my heart is sad, so sad that I cannot even find my tears. Tonight the journey is killing me. Tonight I am angry and disappointed in God and myself and others. Tonight I am selfish. Just...plain...selfish.

Even as I type these words and give legitimacy to the emotions and anger and disappointment mingling in my heart, I feel ridiculous. I feel ridiculous for thinking my life is hard. It really isn't. I feel ridiculous for expecting God to make things easier. I feel ridiculous for not being grateful that he made me a fighter. I...feel...ridiculous.

I feel guilty for not being able to see through the lies that I have embraced. I feel guilty for not being able to cope better than I am at this very moment. I...feel...guilty.

When I face these moments, when I stare down into the pit of despair and decide if I will jump in or jump over it, I feel the heaviness crushing my heart. These are the moments when my choices will either strengthen or weaken my faith. These are the moments when I will decide whether or not I will believe though I cannot see. These are the moments when I will choose whether or not to cement my faith in God's truth or in the enemy's lies. These are the moments when I beg God to help me believe because I am incapable of doing so on my own. These...are...the...moments.

Tomorrow is another day and although the disappointments may be bitter I am comforted. I have hope. I have peace. I have truth. I have love. I have God. I have Jesus. I have the Holy Spirit. I have a future. I have a promise. I...have...faith.

Easy Button

Could somebody please hand me an easy button??? I ordered one on amazon.com but they are out of stock and don't know when they will be able to get another one......... Very funny you might say, but lately most of my attempts to make positive changes in my life have failed, it seems I've been using the let's make things harder button. I've been told that I live my life waiting for the other shoe to drop, but how else am I supposed to live? THE OTHER SHOE ALWAYS DROPS, that's why I put out an APB for the easy button!

Sadly, when God allows (or causes???) disappointment to enter my life, it's automatic for me to begin looking at others and comparing their lives to mine, which is a VERY slippery slope. Every one has SOMETHING difficult - a painful cross to bear - it's just that when they have things I want, things for which I have faithfully petitioned and fruitlessly hoped, it's easy to overlook the magnitude of their difficulties. It's hard to see the depth of their pain through the lens of my own. (it's SO embarrassing to admit how self-absorbed I am!)

To be sure, the disappointments in my life are not devastating. Much worse things happen to people the world over on a daily basis. And I don't have answers to my endless questions about why God allows the things he allows - I don't have a clue why he operates so mysteriously. But I am fairly certain that if he made me privy to all of his reasoning it would confuse the *!@* out of me! So, even though lately I've been deeply disappointed about some things in my life, I'm going to choose to believe that God is still good and that he is not out to get me..... I'm going to choose to rest in his love instead of my fear. I'm going to choose to believe that he is trustworthy. I guess what I'm saying is that I'm going to press the trust and obey button. But I'm still keeping my eye out for an easy button.....