The View From The Top

Flying over Greenland April 2009

Now that I'm firmly planted at the top of the proverbial hill, I have to say that I'm actually enjoying it and do not plan on leaving for quite a while.  The ascent was painful and exhausting, the hill was steep and I was not always in the best shape for the climb.  But now, although my muscles are tired, they are stronger and all of the hard work of living and healing has finally begun to pay off.   The view is breathtaking above the clouds!

Several incidents this fall and winter reminded me of how quickly life can change.   My cousin drowned and miraculously survived; a 41-year old high school friend was killed in a tragic accident; my 30-year-old receptionist suddenly lost her 41-year-old-husband to a heart attack; a former co-worker overdosed and is on a ventilator, not expected to live.  Those split-second tragedies made me more determined than ever to absorb every detail of my life, live every day to the fullest and embrace what I've got before it's gone.  I don't want to take my health, my job, my friends or my family for granted.  I don't want to miss important moments because I'm too self-absorbed to be fully present for others.  If life is like hiking then I know that the descent will be much faster than the ascent, so I'm hanging on to experience every second of a fast and furious ride! 

The greatest thing about reaching the top of the hill is the way it has changed my perspective:

• I've stopped letting others' failures against me define me negatively
• This was huge for me.  For years I simply tried to stop any one's failures against me from impacting me in anyway, but ignoring the crimes, and I do mean crimes, against me meant that I had to deny a lifetime of experiences and how they shaped me.  Since all experiences define me to some extent, I'm intentionally looking for the beauty in the pain.  It has made a world of difference and let me grieve my wounds while emerging from the process stronger, kinder, gentler and more compassionate.  God is miraculously making something beautiful out of the evil.   
• I now understand the difference between arrogance and confidence and the latter has become like a  second skin, at least most of the time!  ;-)
• I am MUCH more comfortable in my own skin and no longer feel the need to pretend to be someone I'm not.  I shattered the mold others kept trying to force me into and it was the most liberating thing I've ever done  
• I'm taking advantage of the fact that I live in a country where a woman can spread her wings and pursue an education even if she never marries or has a family.  I am going back to school.  Phase 1 has begun and I am in the beginning of an 8-month professional certification course.  Phase 2 will begin in the fall when I begin work on my Bachelor's degree - God-willing.  I'm nervous but excited and proud of myself for finally overcoming my fears related to college 
• It's important that someone in this world need me and depend on me, even if it's just an adorable little Yorkie named Zeus! 
• My faith is my own.  It's strong, deep, rich and alive and I wouldn't trade the intimacy I've found in my relationship with Christ for anything in this world

Looking forward to enjoying this view for a long time to come! 

Little Blue Demons

True confession ~ there was a time when I believed that The Smurfs were little blue demons. Of course I also believed that Satan was encoding secret messages in "secular" records (I went to the seminar), that Bill Gothard was right (cough, cough), AND that Armageddon was imminent, er, well imminent anytime between 1988-2048, guess the jury is still out on that one!

Sigh. All of that sounds ludicrous to me now. I cringe red-faced when looking back at the misguided zealot I was. How many people were wounded by my unfair criticisms?

Yet I still know many, many people; sincere, kind, warm, compassionate friends and family who believe those same things or at least the 21st century equivalent of them. Still, I refrain from judging them because I've matured enough to know that I'm not right about everything although I often tend to believe I am wiser and more enlightened than my fellow travelers. ☺

It's easy to forget that we are all navigating our way through a confusing landscape of morality. It took many years for me to learn that I don't have to compromise my deep convictions and spiritual beliefs to embrace humility, grace and kindness. Sometimes I forget that or feel insecure and threatened by someone else's differing viewpoint and react by spewing harsh judgments. Perhaps it's easier to focus on the "little blue demons" in others than the ones taking up residence in my own life. 

These days those annoying blue characters are things like pride, selfishness, entitlement, lack of mercy, loving poorly. Basically they are my own negative character traits, I no longer worry about everyone elses because mine take so much time and energy! So even if we passionately disagree about matters big or small, I will try to respond in kindness without compromising what I believe to be true. Now if you'll excuse me I want to watch an episode of The Smurfs before it's too late, what with Armageddon and all.

14,000 Days

Sometimes a day seems soooo looooong and sometimes it seems shorter than my mother. But in reality time doesn't move faster or slower depending on my mood. It stays the same. Tick-tock, tick-tock, 60 seconds makes the big hand move, 60 minutes makes the little hand move and before I know it time has run away from me and the day has slipped into a memory. Over 14,000 days so far and only God knows how many more are to come.

When I was younger my faith was kind of like my ticket to immortality, a way to be assured of an endless supply of days. Of course, it was also the best way I could think of to avoid all of that fire and brimstone the preacher was always talking about, but I digress. There's a popular CCM band that sings "Take me to the other side, cuz I wanna live forever" and I'll admit that living forever in heaven sounds pretty great. No pain, no suffering, mansions and streets of gold. Who would turn that down? It's just that focusing on the "living forever" part kind of misses the point of living NOW. And no matter how long or short the days, I'm still in the "now and the not yet" part of living. I haven't graduated to heaven yet, and BTW I'm perfectly fine with that!

There is still so much to learn before I am finally complete, and while I'm growing toward the woman God intended when he first imagined me, I'm still SO. FAR. AWAY. Salvation is much more than my personal "get out of hell free card." For me it has become more about reconciliation to my Creator; more about a vibrant, passionate and intimate relationship that quenches my dry and thirsty soul and awakens my numb heart to the experience of living. In him I live and move and have my being - what joy I get from a living, breathing relationship with Christ! It's amazingly beautiful to contemplate the mystery of reconciliation. But, part of reconciling involves looking back, which is something I normally eschew.

Popular culture tells us to never look back, to never stop thinking about tomorrow. But I've learned that the process of looking back, although painful, is helpful in determining why I do things the way I do, good or bad. I'm not talking about simply remembering, I'm talking about a serious in-depth examination of life. Many people never do this. They live convinced of their "rightness" about every issue or opinion, and try to convince everyone else of their "rightness" too. They live to control or fix others instead of themselves. Hm, I wonder how I know that? Ha! Now that I've decided to move beyond that kind of thinking I'm experiencing serious growing pains. Yet, time and time again the pain of examination leads to complete freedom and reconciliation with my Creator.

I've come too far to stop now, and I'm determined to complete this process and see where it takes me, no matter if I have 1 or 14,000 days remaining.

Deep In The Heart Of Texas

It has been a long time since I retreated. Almost two years since I took the time to drive away from the distractions of city life and into the wide open spaces and gentle rolling hills of the Texas Hill Country. This weekend found me unwinding with each passing mile as I made my way to Laity Lodge, an amazingly sacred retreat center nestled deep in the heart of Texas.

In a way I was driving into my past. Transportedto my teenage years when I spent many hours on an old blue and white church bus, looking at the same scenery as we lumbered up the hill to the run down Baptist youth camp. It was old and dusty with the Frio River slicing through the winding, wooded paths. Alto Frio was its name, and a rather strange one if you think about it. For the uninitiated, frio means cold, or very cold in Spanish, but alto is most commonly associated with halt, although a quick google search reveals that it also means tall or high. I spent many weeks of my youth at that Tall, Cold River Camp.

So many cherished memories. Long nights in the bunkhouse with giggling girls; choking down terrible food in the mess hall and making sure I NEVER put my elbows on the table; kicking rocks and holding hands with a cute new guy because PDAs were strictly forbidden, and the reason we snuck down to the river (!); pulling pranks at the boys' dorm; silly "Olympics"; small groups; worship in the open meeting hall; and of course, rededicating my life to God at the nightly invitation offered at any Baptist camp worth its salt! Good times, good times all around.

But now I'm older, and those carefree days are long gone, as well as my nights spent in the rundown bunkhouses of Alto Frio (thank God!) I've graduated to a retreat center for grown-ups. A real treasure that serves nourishment for the body and soul in a serene lodge set in a canyon carved in two by the same river I swam in as a kid. As I contrasted the old and new memories this weekend I was stunned at how they intermingled. Hiking to the top of Circle Bluff I remembered how I used to stare at the canyons wondering if any Native Americans remained hidden in the bluffs. I found myself looking for arrowheads on my hike yesterday, something I have done my entire life whenever I'm outside of the confines of asphalt and highways. I also kept an eye out for jumping cactus and rattlesnakes, I find that I'm still allergic to both...

Dipping my toes in the frigid Frio River took me back 25 years to the laughter and splashing and freedom of playing at Alto Frio or Garner State Park. And the stars. Oh my, the stars! I forgot how much I missed them until I stared up into the inky blackness and looked at the twinkling lights as they blinked on and off. I used to imagine that they were diamonds and I'd wonder how they stayed suspended in the universe. If it were possible I would have stared all night just to burn the vision of those heavenly jewels in my eyes forever so that I would never forget the peace I feel when I gaze upon them.

Yet, as much time as I spent remembering, I found that I was also fully alive in the present. As I listened to a wise, impassioned professor teach old truths of the gospel in a new way I was captivated as I considered them from the context of my personal history. It was powerful and exciting and deeply satisfying to my soul when nuggets of truth finally burst through the soil of my heart, soil that has been tilled for 26 years. And later in the night as I lounged by a warm and cozy fire, snuggled up in a borrowed coat, listening to a beautiful poem, I was astounded as I contemplated the words of "Alive Together" and realized that God created me to be in that very place, at that very moment. I nearly wept as that truth took root in my heart, and I finally just rested in the experience of living. I'm pretty sure a few stars even winked at me as I walked into the quiet stillness of the night and gazed upon them while peace flooded my soul.

Today as I took communion the mystery of my faith was profound as I looked out the picture window to the canyon and river below, and marveled that the Creator of such beauty died so that I might know him. How grateful I am to have once again spent a precious few hours, deep in the heart of Texas, retreating from the works of man. I will spend my upcoming nights in the city remembering the handiwork of God, and waiting with bated breath for my next retreat into a diamond-studded, Texas night.

Autumn's Harvest

Autumn, my favorite season. To me it's the perfect blend of summer and winter. Deep breaths of crisp air. Thinking that I might need a jacket but choosing to go without one just so I can feel chilly. Spicy scents of nutmeg and cinnamon. Pumpkin patches with the kids. Crunchy leaves. Rich, earthy colors. Delicious pumpkin bread. Anticipation of the holidays. Ahhh, I love fall!

It's my favorite time of year to travel. Getting to see the changing leaves that I miss while living in South Texas. A stunning mix of red, gold and orange set against a turquoise sky. Relaxing at festivals. Reveling in the general excitement that people feel after the heat of summer has been chased away by shorter days and cool breezes.

I love the fact that I can wear a sweater and feel all warm and cuddly. I adore listening to George Winston's "Autumn" while I curl up on my couch with a woobie, sip hot tea and read with the scent of a cinnamon candle wafting into the air.

Fall has bewitched me with its melancholy mood, so perfectly suited to my temperament. And in a season meant for reaping I have found the harvest to be plentiful this year. Though I don't till the soil of the earth I do till the soil of my soul, and the hard work is finally bearing fruit. Embracing truth, learning to love freely, settling in to how much my Savior loves me. I'm growing and stretching and hoping. I'm seeking and listening and accepting. Shedding old, dysfunctional coping skills and adopting new, healthy ones. Ahhh, I love fall, it's such a beautiful season in my life!