One Strand of Lights

There's always at least one Clark Griswold moment in my holiday decorating. Usually it occurs when one strand of annoying Christmas lights refuses to twinkle after being strung on the tree. All of that time and effort to carefully wrap the lights in between the branches, all of the anticipation of a beautifully lit tree and.......nothing. CLARK!!!!!!

This year began with a ginormous strand of broken lights in my life.  I'll spare you the gory details, but suffice it to say that things were messy and painful.  The darkness of that one little strand of lights began to eclipse the light of all of the others.  I was drowning in grief from hidden sorrow.  The unspoken story of my life haunted me and a deep fear that I would not find my way back to a fully lit life consumed me.   My faith suffered, my health took a nose-dive and I was worried that I would lose my job.  I was barely functioning.

I tried desperately to fix those tiny, broken pieces of glass, but I couldn't do it.  For a long time I wallowed in the depressing darkness.  But then I was reminded that light was living and breathing in me and would eventually triumph over the blackness.

"In the beginning was the Word, and the Word was with God, and the Word was God. He was with God in the beginning. Through him all things were made; without him nothing was made that has been made. In him was life, and that life was the light of all mankind. The light shines in the darkness, and the darkness has not overcome it."

This year when I put up my tree there was one pesky strand of lights that promptly quit working.  At first I focused all of my energy on making them twinkle, but then I gave up.  I sat and stared at my tree in disappointment.  I was focused on the unlit strand and what it represented to me when I finally noticed the other lights.  Their brightness was contagious and eventually I no longer focused on the darkness. 

Those little shimmering lights became symbols for me: of deeper faith, comforting hugs, intimate friendships, a family's laughter, my dog's snuggle, Maya's smile, life.  The list is unending.  Yes, there will always be broken lights, shards of darkness that try to steal the light, horrible memories, atrocities, deception, betrayal.  I refuse to ignore them any longer, I will acknowledge how they shape(d) me and choose to learn from them instead of fearing them.  The light Who lives in me will illuminate my path and overcome the darkness from the broken strand of lights. 

May the broken strands in your life intertwine with the light of Christ's life and unending, redeeming love.  Merry Christmas and Happy New Year!

Spoiled (Un)rotten

Over the years I have received many nice presents. Gifts that touched me and made me grateful for all of the love and thoughtfulness that went into choosing them.

Even the hot pink, barbie blow-up couch given by my niece several years ago, because even though she was little she still wanted to give me a gift that meant something to her.

But this Christmas season I've literally been spoiled with gifts. In a good way. And I like it. A lot.

This is the first year that I've felt confident enough to let a few people know all (okay most) of me, even the messy, extremely ugly parts. And their gifts were thrilling because they spoke to my deepest passions, because the givers knew me well enough to choose things I would love. Things I would never ask for because they seemed too extravagant or expensive, or maybe because I didn't even know I wanted them in the first place.

But as much as those tangible gifts meant to me, as special and loved as I felt because of them, they pale in comparison to the intangible gifts I received.

Gifts of time. Patience. Silence. Touch. Support. Commitment. Grace. Mercy. Encouragement. Celebration. Love.

I am fairly certain that I would not have survived 2009, one of the most difficult years of my life, without the people who offered those things to me when I could not offer them in return.

I would not have survived the intensity of emotions. I would not have survived the memories. I would not have survived the sadness. I would not have survived the fear. I would not have survived facing reality. I would not have survived facing the demons of my past. I would not have survived my faith. I would not have survived myself.

I would not have survived.

Not without the hours of ridiculously long telephone conversations where I was allowed to whine, vent, laugh and cry until I was spent.

Not without the freedom to explore the truth of my story, to literally revisit my past without the fear of rejection in the present. Not without fellowship, food and fun. Not without warm hugs. Not without pursuit and perseverance when I was frustratingly stubborn or withdrawn.

Not without extravagant love.

Not without living, breathing models of the love of Christ in action. No judgment. No criticism. No "I told you so". No "shoulds". No abandonment. No pressure to perform.

Just loyalty, truth, grace and above all love.

Those are the unexpected gifts that have carried me. The gifts for which I am externally grateful. The gifts I cherish the most. Merci.

Undeserved Extravagance

Someone gave me a really expensive, extravagant gift this week, something I would never purchase for myself. Ever. I almost went into the ugly cry as I thanked this generous gift-giver because all I could think was, "I don't deserve this. If you only knew how black my heart is, or how often I fake things you would agree with me."

And I remembered that the most extravagant gift I have ever received was completely undeserved. I could never perform well enough or be good enough to earn it. And this gift-giver already knew the truth about me before he paid the price. He already knew the really dark and ugly stuff, he already knew all of my sin and all of my shame. Yet he loved me enough to prove that I was worth the effort and the heartache. It's the purest love I've ever known and my most treasured gift.

Tonight my heart is full because on that holy night 2000 years ago, as creation was groaning in the darkness, the birth of a long expected baby ushered in hope for mankind. It was undeserved extravagance.


Blessings to you this Christmas. May you find peace for your soul and experience the freedom that comes from being intimately known and loved exactly as you are.