I should have been buying silly cards about golf and tools and baking a devil's food cake so you could have your traditional glass of cake-milk (BTW, I still think that's gross.) Instead I quietly put my phone down as tears carved a trail of misery through my makeup. Then I resolutely wrote out another memorial card to invite family to the day we formally (finally) remember you in your beloved Colorado.
Remembering you is bittersweet, at times bringing laughter and joy, and at other times bringing tears and sadness. Today brought tears. But yesterday, oh yesterday was full of sheer happiness and deep love for you.
Do you remember the birthdays when you gave US gifts? I sure do, like the time when you brought home new bicycles because it brought you joy to surprise us. We probably gave you a tacky mug or another hammer... What about the time you bought me a small safe when it was YOUR day to be spoiled? Or the last Christmas you were able to shop for gifts and bought mom and I each a Finishing Touch facial hair remover? Still not sure if I should be offended, but I'll tell you a secret, I still use it. By the next Christmas you had lost your independence and ability to drive so you went to the garage and brought in a used drill (that didn't really work) and an old hammer so that I would have a gift. That nearly killed me, and it meant more than any other gift, except maybe when you gave me Apache. He was the best horse.
There are other more private memories that you and I share and you should know that you were the BEST daddy for me. You were an extraordinary man and I was blessed that I had 51 years with you. Every part of me wishes I had more time and could hear your voice again, or take you to Gruene to grab a Chicken Fried Steak from the Gristmill.
Life has changed in so many ways, and I would be lying if I said that the reduction in stress has not been a huge plus; it has, and I am healthier in many ways, but also sadder. Every minute caring for you and mom was a privilege and I have no regrets, other than wishing I had done better. Returning to normal is not really possible when someone like you leaves, and the challenge of finding a new normal is really hard. Since I never had my own family, when you and mom started declining, you became almost like my children. Now I feel like an empty-nester in some ways,and have no idea how real empty-nesters deal with it. It's brutal, but I'm figuring it out with a lot of prayer, time, good friends who listen to me whine, and well, believe it or not, working out again. Hopefully you would be proud of my progress.
So, even though I miss you (and mom) horribly, I am so happy to call myself a daddy's girl. I love you more than you will ever know.
Love,
Robin, aka, your favorite daughter because I was the only one (my favorite title) 😁
P.S, Merry says hi, she misses you too, and so does Zeus.
