"You have kept count of my tossings; put my tears in your bottle. Are they not in your book?" Psalm 56:8
Can
I be frank for a minute? I hope you said yes because I'm going to
anyway. Life kinds of sucks right now. I personally have no bandwidth
left. What about you? You don't have to answer. An educated
guess tells me you are probably in the same boat. Even our privileged,
affluent, Western world is sucky. And those of our neighbors in poverty,
or the third world? I cannot even imagine how much harder life is for
them now.
People
all over the world are melting down. We are emotionally and physically exhausted.
We have been stripped of our illusions of control; frustrated in our attempts
to do the simplest of tasks; robbed of the usual rhythms of life and social
interactions that kept us anchored and sane pre-COVID. We are wrestling
with a challenge no one expected or wanted. And we are all just about
DONE, or at least I AM.
My response is typical of my highly
emotional nature. I cry. As an Enneagram 4, INFJ, or
ultra-sensitive whiner, whatever you call me, my emotions are always just at
the surface and tears are ready and waiting to explode from my big, brown
eyes. I cry when I'm happy, sad, or frustrated. I cry when I'm
angry, dismissed by others, or stressed. I cry when I see a puppy, or a baby,
or lately when I'm with my parents. In fact, I have cried every day for
the past two weeks. Thousands of tears have altered my vision, robbed me
of sleep, and wrenched my heart in two. Every.Little.Thing feels like the
BIGGEST, most excruciating thing in the world, even if it isn't. My brain
is drunk on pity and my thinking is sluggish. My internal RAM, usually
around 32 gigs is down to about 2 gigs. I can't have multiple tabs open
anymore. Juggling is out of the question. I am in super-slow
motion. Just watch me try to form a coherent sentence or remember the
name of anything. It truly is beyond my capability.
Sigh. Like I said. It's hard. Unsettling. Discombobulating. I feel like a dissatisfied Goldilocks. Everything is too hot, too cold, too hard, too soft, too big, too small. Nothing is just right. When I'm living the introvert's dream and find myself home alone, I get anxious and want to go to work. When I'm at work it doesn't take long for me to worry about my parents and want to check on them. When I get to my parents' house, and I'm dealing with dementia and unsuccessful attempts to engage them, coupled with incontinence issues requiring me to shower them three times in one day, AND clean the floor/shower/toilet repeatedly because of said incontinence, well, I can tell you that Goldilocks is definitely NOT happy.
That's when I cry out to God, not in a pious, thoughtful, or gracious way with "praise and thanksgiving". No, it's more primal and desperate, ugly and demanding. Words like "WTH and MERCY PULEASE!" pepper the conversation. Sheer desperation, fear, and exhaustion bring out the worst in me. And then, if he is silent if feels like the kiss of death, and I keep plodding through the dessert, hot, confused, and really, REALLY thirsty for living water. Unsurprisingly to any person of faith he finally reveals himself. Gently, kindly, lovingly, and consistently, the opposite of my insolence. And he makes everything "just right". Goldilocks is finally happy.
The past two weeks I have been
blessed with an abundance of food for my parents provided by various and
obviously generous and AMAZING friends. I had no idea that I would need
it, but God did. He provided BEFORE I recognized why. This week I
received a phone call from Meals on Wheels. A program I've counted on,
that has helped immensely with meal prep and our VERY limited budget is being
forced to drop my parents because of funding cuts. God knew before I did
and sent his angels on earth to act. He provided what we would need,
BEFORE we even knew we needed it. I suddenly had unsolicited food for the
next few weeks. People just showed up, not even knowing the needs or how
devastated and overwhelmed I felt. It was a reminder that God is always
there with manna. His love and devotion to us is never lacking and never
late, even when we cannot hear or see him. Even if he seems silent.
He is still working quietly on our behalf.
No matter where you find yourself, look up and listen for the still, small voice of God. Look for people who are acting as the hands and feet of Jesus. Accept the help that comes without trying to control it and remember that God is walking with you, even through this hell on earth. And don't forget to ACT on behalf of others and return the gift. God is truly pleased and glorified when we love others well.
Even though life is messy. Even though life is hard. It is still beautiful. Don't let this COVID weirdness keep you down, look up!
P.S. As I was writing this, my laundry drainage pipe suddenly sprung a huge leak. I now have an unwanted water feature in my side yard. And a big plumbing bill this week. Goldilocks is still a little unsettled over here. The hits keep coming, but so does the love and provision. Because more food was delivered, and another friend called to say she wants to provide a meal weekly. God is still good!
