Do you ever feel like you just don't fit? Like you are a square peg repeatedly failing, through no fault of your own, to fit into a tiny, round hole? Welcome to the club, it's huge and full of countless secret members. We all have stories to tell about our often sad and/or hilarious attempts to assimilate.
One time, not long after moving to San Antonio I joined a new Bible study. After a few months I was asked to join the leadership team. It was a big deal and I eagerly accepted the invitation. The group had been a godsend to me as a recent transplant from the Houston area and it finally felt like I belonged, or could at least fake it. Turns out I should have read the fine print, or at least paid attention to the details, and rules.....but I was desperate so I dove in head first.
One time, not long after moving to San Antonio I joined a new Bible study. After a few months I was asked to join the leadership team. It was a big deal and I eagerly accepted the invitation. The group had been a godsend to me as a recent transplant from the Houston area and it finally felt like I belonged, or could at least fake it. Turns out I should have read the fine print, or at least paid attention to the details, and rules.....but I was desperate so I dove in head first.
Very early one Saturday morning I woke up before my alarm sounded in anticipation of my first leader's meeting, which started promptly at 7:00 or 7:30 am. I have forgotten the actual time, probably because it was TOO EARLY and I blocked it from my memory. I desperately wanted to look put together. Thankfully, my idea of put together has changed over the years, but back then I was even more fashion backward than I am now. I dressed in jeans and a cute (I thought), funny t-shirt about ewes going to heaven, which I had purchased with hard-earned money from my $6.00-an-hour job.
I arrived and promptly got lost, but no worries I knew how to get "unlost". The class secretary was outside and ready to help. She took one look at me and asked if I had been informed of the dress code. Dress code? I'm sure my eyes popped out of my head. I wanted to BLEND in, not stand out, but stand out I did, because women leaders were required to wear dresses/skirts, pantyhose, makeup, etc., even at the ungodly hour of 7 something on a Saturday morning. (That amounts to cruel and unusual punishment for a young, single person, IMHO.) So much for faking it..... It would be obvious to all that I simply did not fit the cool mold. I teased my leader for years for not telling me, even though it wasn't her job, it was just something that happened that makes me die laughing now because in my mind it was as bad as showing up naked! One thing I CAN pin on her though was that she recommended me for leadership and it was one of the BEST things that ever happened to me. But back to the story......
So, there I was, an insecure, awkward 20-year-old girl, trying to fit in with a new group of people. My face was probably 50 shades of red, and I was nervous and clammy. Everyone was gracious, but I was mortified. You had better believe that I never made that mistake again. I dressed exactly as required. I learned how to fit the mold for awhile, until I didn't.
Eventually something happened: I grew. Both spiritually and, um, physically. I gained about 40 pounds, which was a no-no in this Bible study. After about 5 years in leadership I was "counseled" about my weight. I was asked to step on a scale and weigh in. I was reminded about the sin of gluttony. I was shamed by my new teaching leaders and the area director. Appearances mattered in this crowd and I did not look the way I was supposed to look.
It was very hurtful, and although I DID need to lose weight, I could not understand how being overweight prevented me from serving God. I quit and promptly gained more weight, probably because I was sad and depressed. For awhile I was bitter and feared more judgment because it was obvious that whether it be my appearance, education, relationship status, career, finances, sense of humor, or just the quirky things that made me, me, I never really fit the mold.
I was different. I was home schooled when it was illegal and never went to college. I did not get married or have children. I drove inexpensive cars and shopped at Wal-Mart, how very "un" PC of me. I liked different music, art, high brow AND low brow literature. I tried really, really hard to fit in, but I was never the right kind of beautiful. The right kind of funny. The right kind of smart. The right kind of Christian. I faked it for a long time because I never wanted to be exposed and feel the humiliation of sticking out like a sore thumb ever again.
I threw myself into work and other activities. I led Bible studies in my home, volunteered more at church, and pursued my passion for travel. Slowly I began shedding a lot of the girl others said I should be, who I had been trained to become to please everyone. I began to "unmold" myself from their expectations and started to mold myself into who I thought I should be. Uh-oh.
Now, I don't know about you, but I am REALLY good at living in denial and lying to myself, so "living my truth" was a disaster. I was difficult and bitchy a lot, I was critical and judgmental, still uncomfortable in my own skin. And sadly, sometimes I still can be the worst version of myself. No matter how hard I tried, I was still unsatisfied and unsure of why God created me or bothered to love me. Grace was a struggle for me. Thankfully, despite my failures, God granted me deep faith. I began to ask him to mold me into HIS image because my version and everyone else's version had failed me.
That change in mindset was the most liberating thing I had ever done and I became less and less concerned with what others thought. As I embraced what made me unique and forgave those who had hurt me I found peace and freedom. After all, they did not mean to hurt me anymore than I meant to hurt people.
Almost 30 years later I am most definitely still in the process of letting God unmold me from myself and mold me into his image. I am a big, fat work in progress, but I am surrounded by a wonderful group of friends, many from that Bible study group who welcomed a young misfit all those years ago. Despite how much work I still have to do on myself, they love me, and I love them.
For my fellow misfits, ask yourselves how God made you uniquely you. Is it your presence? The way you love others? The Jesus people see in you? Things like your appearance, the way you talk, or the way you express yourself? Your smile, your gifts, the way you see the world? What sets YOU apart? Whatever it is, lean into it. (Not if it's sin though, that's a different topic entirely!)
I no longer stress out over not fitting in and don't try to pretend I'm normal. My current church is full of people who have very different lives, finances, and social circles than I do, they may even have different politics (gasp!), but I love them and they love me, despite our differences. If you struggle, please remember that no one is as normal as they would have you believe. Be the person who stands out and makes a difference in this world. Be kind, love well, and be free in Christ. Conformity is boring anyway!
For my fellow misfits, ask yourselves how God made you uniquely you. Is it your presence? The way you love others? The Jesus people see in you? Things like your appearance, the way you talk, or the way you express yourself? Your smile, your gifts, the way you see the world? What sets YOU apart? Whatever it is, lean into it. (Not if it's sin though, that's a different topic entirely!)
I no longer stress out over not fitting in and don't try to pretend I'm normal. My current church is full of people who have very different lives, finances, and social circles than I do, they may even have different politics (gasp!), but I love them and they love me, despite our differences. If you struggle, please remember that no one is as normal as they would have you believe. Be the person who stands out and makes a difference in this world. Be kind, love well, and be free in Christ. Conformity is boring anyway!
