I'm Voting For.....

Did you REALLY think I would tell you who I'm voting for??? Silly, silly, silly. I'm not that stupid, some of you know where I live! Honestly, I've avoided writing about politics because to be honest I've been bored this election year. Yes, I know, I know, "this is the most important election of our time", but aren't they all?? Most of our current problems can be directly linked to decisions made long ago in administrations far, far away, rendering those seemingly "less important" elections as pretty significant now.

And yet, I'm still bored. I decided early in the year who would win my vote, so the smears, campaign promises and "politics as usual" just don't interest me. I simply don't have the stomach to watch. Nor do I have the stomach to argue about who I'm voting for and why I should choose the other candidate. And enough with the steaming bowls of guilt, I won't eat it so you can quit serving it. How I vote is really just between God, me.....and the electronic voting machine.

Throughout this entire process, the one thing that has not bored me has been the political parodies on Saturday Night Live. Watching Sarah Palin was hysterical, and her husband dancing around in a moose costume? Priceless. At least they can laugh at themselves while they look at Russia from their porch..... Of course the Hilary and Obama impressions were pretty funny too. SNL is at it's best during an election year.

This election year presents a tough choice for people who don't cast their vote based on 2 issues or along party lines. For me it is not as cut and dried as it is for many of my friends. Do I really want a lifetime senator in the White House? Or a woman who uses terms like "Joe six-pack" and "you betcha"? Um, no. Good ole' boys and girls terrify me. But can I really believe in the "candidate of change" who picks a VP from the old guard, a VP with more years in the Senate than almost anyone? No change there...

So I say:

He would definitely shake things up!
(If you have no idea who Pedro is use "Google" to figure it out!)

Brainless Conversations with God

Earlier this week when I hopped on the scale to check my progress in this never ending battle with the bulge I was SHOCKED to see that I had gained 3 pounds. Excuse me??? I've been living on rabbit food. I've been avoiding "bad" carbs. I've erased the word sugar from my vocabulary. I've been walking 4+ miles faithfully almost every day. I've been paying an arm and a leg to workout with a trainer who causes me physical pain. I've been really good, and I haven't cheated!!! How in the world did I GAIN 3 pounds???

At this point a rational person would have stopped and calmly considered the situation, but I chose "crazy, psycho woman mode" and decided that the Almighty and I needed to have a chat about how unfair all of this was.

Really. BAD. Idea. Stupid. Stupid. Stupid. And thus began another of my brainless conversations with God.

Me: I'm confused! I'm doing everything right. Why did I gain 3 pounds?
God: silence
Me: Do you think you could help me out here? I'm really trying!

God: silence

Me: You WANT me to be fat, don't you? You really don't care that I'm trying so hard, do you? Are you trying to teach me a lesson? Because this is a really cruel way to do it!!!
God: silence
Me: Why are you doing this to me???
God: silence
Me: Fine if you don't want to help me then I'm done. I'm tired of trying. If this is all I get then why don't I just go have a slice of pizza? If I'm destined to be fat anyway I'm going to eat what I want. So there.
God: silence
Me: Whatever. I knew this would happen anyway. Since I'm supposed to "give thanks in everything" let me just say thanks for all of your "help". Hmmffff.
God: silence
Me: Finally snapping out of "crazy, psycho woman mode" thinks, hmmmm, maybe I'm retaining water. When was my last cycle? Oh. Blush. That's it. I really hate PMS. God?? I'm really sorry please don't strike me dead. Thanks.

God: No problem, and you're welcome...

Yes, I know what you're thinking - "Watch out for lightning" and believe me I am! Sigh, maybe when PMS is no longer in my vocabulary I'll get it right. I sure hope so, I'm tired of being an idiot....

The Human Coupon

I don't know anyone who hates a bargain, especially considering our nation's current financial crunch. With fears of a worsening recession and possibly another depression looming I am finding myself clipping more and more coupons in an effort to save pennies. Of course, I did that before the stock market took a dive, I'm just more anal about it now. Make no mistake, I have an eagle eye when it comes to making sure every last penny is deducted from my bill. There is no way I'm going to pay $0.25 more if a coupon says I don't have to!

One reason I love coupons so much is because they save me from haggling. I have no bargaining skills - zero, zip, nada. I'm a sight to see in foreign markets where it's expected that people will bargain. I'm sure I've paid triple the price for many items because I was just too nervous to actually try to get a better deal. If I didn't look so much like him, my bargaining failures would make me wonder if I were even related to my family's very own walking, talking Human Coupon - my dad. The man can walk into a restaurant and get a discount for no reason. He can effortlessly trade one piece of....er, junk (sorry Dad!) for another. He can find the only thing worth finding at a garage sale and pay almost nothing for it. He can scour an antique shop, find a valuable piece of furniture and walk out with freebies. One time he went with me to find a dresser. When I saw what I wanted I was willing to pay the full asking price, but he sensed a bargain and managed to get the owner to throw in a scooter (or bicycle, I forget). Had I not blown it by speaking too soon I'm sure he would have walked out with more loot. Um, yeah I definitely lack the Human Coupon gene. Darn it.

You know how some people have a sign on their forehead? Mine says, "Sure, you can tell me everything I never wanted to know about yourself, no problem!", while his says, "Human Coupon, you will give me a deal!" Sigh, I like his sign better......but since mine was apparently tattooed in permanent ink I have decided to take him with me when I want a better deal. He gets to do the talking, I get to do the listening and we both walk out happy. So Dad, I have some shopping to do, are you free on Wednesday? It's a triple coupon day!

Autumn's Harvest

Autumn, my favorite season. To me it's the perfect blend of summer and winter. Deep breaths of crisp air. Thinking that I might need a jacket but choosing to go without one just so I can feel chilly. Spicy scents of nutmeg and cinnamon. Pumpkin patches with the kids. Crunchy leaves. Rich, earthy colors. Delicious pumpkin bread. Anticipation of the holidays. Ahhh, I love fall!

It's my favorite time of year to travel. Getting to see the changing leaves that I miss while living in South Texas. A stunning mix of red, gold and orange set against a turquoise sky. Relaxing at festivals. Reveling in the general excitement that people feel after the heat of summer has been chased away by shorter days and cool breezes.

I love the fact that I can wear a sweater and feel all warm and cuddly. I adore listening to George Winston's "Autumn" while I curl up on my couch with a woobie, sip hot tea and read with the scent of a cinnamon candle wafting into the air.

Fall has bewitched me with its melancholy mood, so perfectly suited to my temperament. And in a season meant for reaping I have found the harvest to be plentiful this year. Though I don't till the soil of the earth I do till the soil of my soul, and the hard work is finally bearing fruit. Embracing truth, learning to love freely, settling in to how much my Savior loves me. I'm growing and stretching and hoping. I'm seeking and listening and accepting. Shedding old, dysfunctional coping skills and adopting new, healthy ones. Ahhh, I love fall, it's such a beautiful season in my life!

Seriously, Please Don't

I have spent the past 14 years of my life working for doctors, and for the most part I enjoy the field of medicine, at least the administrative side. But boy have I had some interesting experiences. While most of us could be considered "quirky" by others, (especially me!) there are some people whose names MUST appear beside the word if you were to look it up in the dictionary!

Currently I work for GI doctors, specialists who deal with everything from the Esophagus to the Colon. That means a lot of colonoscopies, which in turn means a lot of "preps", which is the industry term for cleaning out the colon before that dreaded procedure. Preps have come a long way and are now available in pill form which alleviates the need to drink that hideous, chalky liquid before becoming best friends with the great, white, porcelain throne. But it's important to know that preps have never included the use of suppositories, unfortunately we had a patient who didn't get that memo...

She was a very old lady (close to 90), a gentle, kind, mannerly woman; the kind of woman you imagine as the best grandmother in the world - capable of dispensing warm hugs, encouragement and the best home-cooking ever. She was very, very nice and endearing. But she was old and easily confused. The day after her consultation she called and spoke to an equally kind and gentle medical assistant. The patient was concerned because she was experiencing extreme discomfort in preparing for the procedure. The MA tried to reassure her that the discomfort was not abnormal but the patient was adamant that the suppositories were not working. At this point the MA's ears perked up because suppositories are not normally prescribed before a colonoscopy. She asked the patient the name of the prescription and was alarmed when she discovered that the patient had mistaken the tablet, to be taken orally, for a suppository, to be inserted rectally. The MA gently explained that the prescription was to be taken by mouth with a glass of water to which the patient replied, "Oh! I was wondering how I was going to get 32 up there." Needless to say we now stress that there are NO suppositories involved in colon preps. Why would you put something in your colon when you're trying to clean it out??? Mercy me!

Before entering the GI field, I was the Administrator for a mental health clinic, which also provided me with many memorable experiences. At times I had to restrain patients, call the police/911 and confiscate razor blades. I also cried when patients regressed or couldn't heal from their emotional wounds. But on the other hand I saw people grow and deal with their problems. I saw marriages renewed, depression lifted and Schizophrenics and Bipolars stabilized. It was very rewarding to be part of the process that allowed so many to heal.

I have a heart of compassion for those struggling with serious mental illness. And now that I work for GI doctors, I have heart of compassion for those struggling with embarrassing physical ailments. But no matter how sick a person is, there are certain things that should never be done.

I humbly offer the following insider tips based on my own experiences (yes all of these things have really happened):

*Please don't assume that I secretly work for the CIA, the only reason I know your name, rank and serial number is because you gave it to me. Accusing me of being a spy will make me wonder what you're really up to... Besides, if I were a spy it would be dangerous to blow my cover.

*On the other hand, since I'm really NOT a spy, please don't assume that I know who you are unless you tell me. There are hundreds of patients who visit or call the office, it's unlikely that I will remember you unless you do the last thing on this list...

*Please don't shove anything furry and/or squirming in my face. I WILL scream and possibly cry. Then your poor "gerbil, mouse, hamster, ferret, squirrel, lizard, snake" will likely panic, get loose and scare everyone else in the office. So just don't.

*And if you own said "gerbil, mouse, hamster, ferret, squirrel, lizard, snake", please don't bring homemade cookies, cakes or food to me, as I will not eat them, EVER, and neither will the doctor.

*Please don't leave your psychiatrist's office and attempt to hit on me by asking the following, "So, are you a patient here?" I can assure you I won't be flattered.

*Please don't yell at me because the doctor is running late, it's really not my fault. And don't blame the pharmaceutical reps either, the doctor has to meet with them to get the samples you want...

*Please don't wait until Friday afternoon to request a refill for a medication you "can't live without". I do not have the legal authority to refill your prescription without the doctor's approval, and the doctor is not usually available on Friday afternoon, which means you will have to wait for an on-call doctor to be paged, contact the pharmacy and approve the medication you "forgot" you so desperately needed....

*Please don't discuss your bodily functions in the waiting room or with the administrative staff, I'm not lying when I say that NO ONE but the doctor is as fascinated with your bowel movements as you are...

*And most importantly, WHATEVER you do, PLEASE DO NOT bring a plastic grocery bag full of your excrement into the office. EVERYONE will be completely disgusted and the doctor will likely schedule a psychiatric evaluation for you, seriously, please don't.