Catching My Breath

 

Photo by Daisa TJ from Pexels

Next week marks three months since I said goodbye to my daddy.  Sometime in the next seven to ten days I will sign the papers that finalize the sale of his home.  It was the only single-family home he and my mom ever owned and they were so proud of it.  Last night I stopped by to pick up a few remaining items and sort the mail that I still haven't forwarded.  Something in me needed to say goodbye to that space. As I found myself wandering inside the empty rooms, patio, backyard - all devoid of the laughter and love that filled them for almost thirty years, I remembered my mom's excitement at getting to paint and put up wallpaper.  I remembered my dad buying ALL THREE of his outdoor sheds so he could make and fix things. I laughed as I remembered the time we didn't have turkey for Thanksgiving because my dad almost blew up the house trying to fry it.  I remembered the sounds of my nieces and nephews playing in the backyard, spending many weekends being loved and spoiled.  I remembered the many years it took my nephews and my dad to construct a new fence. My mom's last words to me as she lay dying in her purple bedroom.  My dad responding to my voice before he took his last shallow breaths. I also remembered their excitement as they filled their home with laughter, family, mementos of their own childhoods, and memories for those of us who would outlive them.  

It was cathartic to remember good times and bad times, laughter and tears. As I walked in silence, tears streaming down my cheeks, I let go of the hard things and envisioned each room filled with their presence. Then I found myself talking to them, asking forgiveness for my failures, thanking them for their sacrifices, telling them how much I miss them and how proud I was/am to be their daughter.  It was a special time in their space, and it brought a measure of peace to my heart.

Grieving is an exercise in reflection. It can be depressing and it can be joyful, or both at the same time. No matter what though, it is crucial that it be honored and indulged.   It is okay to grieve.  It is okay to feel sad and not try to spin it to fit the constructs of other people's comfort with how you do it. As I watched Andrew Garfield talk about the recent death of his mother, I found myself enthusiastically nodding when he said, "I love talking about it by the way, so if I cry, it's only a beautiful thing.  This is all the unexpressed love.  The grief that will remain with us until we pass because we never get enough time with each other...so I hope this grief stays with me because it's all the unexpressed love that I didn't get to tell her."  

So now I find myself reflecting on the past decade and wondering how in the H.E. double-hockey sticks I survived. Finally recognizing that I really NEED and have earned at least a minute to catch my breath and care for myself now without apology. 👏👏 Finding myself at a crossroad. Wide-eyed, curious, tired, hopeful. At times certain I will be swallowed whole and forget to breathe, and then blissfully dreaming again and proudly owning the strength and determination that keep me moving forward, albeit with a limp. 

So, forgive me if I take a step back to spend time with and care for myself.  Forgive me if I decline sincerely made offers that I WILL accept someday soon.  Forgive me if I withdraw to a quiet, safe space with no demands because this world is hard to navigate. Surviving is hard. Watching others survive is hard. Living in this broken mess is hard. Breathing and exhaling is hard. Life, death, and everything in between is hard. Pain. Loss. Grief. Doubt. Fear. But there is good that beckons from the Father. Love. Joy. Peace. Grace. Mercy. Hope. Beauty.  Life can be as horrible as it is thrilling, and as painful as it is amazing. You can find peace in the middle of chaos.  Faith in the pit of doubt.  Hope in the moments of despair.  Beauty in the ashes of what was. You need only to train your eye to look for it, and your ears to listen to the sweet whispers of the Holy Spirt. Don't ever give up but DO give yourself time. Give yourself freedom. Give yourself permission to go catch your breath if you need to and be proud that you are still needed in this world.