Random Thoughts About.....Not Much

So I'm sitting here in my office, taking a short lunch break before diving into the rest of my day chock full of accounting for 3 businesses, employee evaluations, meetings with the doctors, policy reviews and trying to soothe the ruffled feathers of patients who are positive that:

a.) the office staff is "out to get them" because they had to hold for longer than 2 minutes.

b.) we are IGNORING their desperate need for medication because the pharmacy has faxed their RX request 4 times, even though the fax clearly states "This is the first request".

c.) we are evil for following HIPAA guidelines that require patient authorization before we can talk to family members, even the mommies.

All in a day's work. Sigh. Next stop ESL, even though it is going to be FREEZING tonight and I don't think the students will come. I'd rather snuggle in my soft throw, watch "24", my latest addiction (I'm in the middle of season 1) and sip hot cocoa. That would make me feel better because between allergies and my monthly (or should I say semi-monthly?) visitor I feel like crap looks - pretty gnarly.

To top it off, this morning when I dragged myself out of bed I noted that yesterday's small pimple is now GINORMOUS. I'm talking the size of Mount Kilimanjaro....ON....MY....FACE! Makeup doesn't do it justice. Then I plucked at least 15 gray hairs and wondered again if I should start dying it. At least I don't have to pluck my eyebrows as often anymore, they're going gray and aren't as noticeable, although I DID pluck a few stray chin hairs which were as black as my hair used to be.....

Then there was the matter of getting dressed. Ugh. How can I say this delicately??? Oh I can't so I'll just say it. My steeples have long since pointed in the wrong direction and require a herculean effort to hoist them up to acceptable levels AND keep them there throughout the day so that it looks like I only have 2 stomachs instead of 4. I have no desire to resemble my grandmother just yet, God rest her soul. So the hoisting continues, day in and day out, as does the poking from the underwires, which are clearly a form of torture.

I'm also considering modified Anorexia. Perhaps that is the only diet that will work for me. Oh sure, I've kept 15 pounds off, but I need to lose 50 more so 15 seems like small potatoes, which I'm not allowed to eat by the way. I'm allowed to eat skinless chicken, turkey and fish, non-starchy veggies, eggs, very little cheese, and some fruit. Like I said, modified Anorexia. I also gave up soda, even diet soda, although I do allow myself to drink tea but usually it's unsweet, which is an acquired taste that I haven't quite adjusted to.

Oh, and my apartment is a mess. Truly. I haven't vacuumed since before Christmas. Nor have I dusted. My gifts are still littering my dining table and the ornaments I started making a few days AFTER Christmas are still sitting on my kitchen counter, half finished. And yes, I know that it is strange to start making ornaments AFTER the holiday, but I was bored one day and felt the need to be creative. Hence the ornaments on my counter.

I'm also addicted to scouring the internet for reviews about digital cameras and iPods. I really would like both but I'm leaning toward getting the iPod first because I already have a decent camera, even if it's not digital. I looked at cameras on Saturday at Best Buy and Circuit City but couldn't decide. FYI - Circuit City still has higher prices than Best Buy or Amazon even though they are going out of business. Curious.

Just after I stressed about buying a digital T.V. converter they have issued an extension. I guess that gives me a reprieve from trying to figure out how to hook it up! My brother has agreed to walk me through the process by phone if I get stuck, which is highly likely.

And I just read that Paul McCartney has a new girlfriend, and I REALLY don't care. Seriously, I'm so bored with celebrity gossip, or gossip in general. Yawn. I'd rather sleep.

BTW, today I feel like being real, not perfect so I didn't really proofread this post. Please ignore typos and spelling errors. Or point them out if you feel inclined. I'll hate you for it later. At least I have a cool new CD to keep me company in my car. And one of the songs seriously rocks. I almost feel like a 30-year-old again! ;-)

Otherwise life is.....good. At least I keep telling myself that. I'm sure it will be better when my hormones return to normal and the mountain on my face turns back in to a molehill. :-0

Deconstructing Robin

Ever been struck by a wrecking ball??? Okay, not literally but figuratively? Well, just for the record, it hurts, I know from personal experience! The destruction of everything I have been into all I was meant to be is a painful process. I suppose the rejection of being the person your circumstances would have you believe you are, to becoming the person God intended you to be when he first breathed life into your soul happens to every seeker eventually. But it's not fun. Ever.

Admittedly I'm a bit befuddled. How do I really embrace becoming more (according to God's design) while becoming less (according to my own design)? I'm wary of the doctrine that tells me to just "be myself". Because the reality is that if left to my own devices I am self-absorbed, arrogant, overly independent and withdrawn. My natural inclination is to serve myself, not God or anyone else. And sadly, in my efforts to "serve and protect" (myself) I hurt others by conveniently forgetting the greatest commandments spoken of by Jesus. Something about loving him with all my heart, mind and soul and loving others as much as I love myself. Ouch. I have definitely failed at those two things!

Since becoming MORE of a narcissistic idiot is not really on the agenda, I've GOT to figure it out pretty quickly. If only I didn't have an overabundance of rough edges, which I have intentionally overlooked for most of my life. If only I were already there. If only. But instead I find myself in the middle of a long (I hope) marathon and feeling a bit overwhelmed at how much work God still has to do in me. How much more wrecking needs to be done before I can begin sifting through the rubble? When can I clean up the mess?

Well I don't know and God is not really forthcoming with his timetable. At least he's patient with me. And thankfully I have patient friends who remind me that they love me even when I can't understand why. So the wrecking will continue. My only word of caution if you're in the vicinity is to look out for falling debris! Good luck, you're gonna need it. ;-)

Nervous In The Light Of Dawn

This is my favorite song of late. Other than the hauntingly beautiful music and angelic voice of Leigh Nash, it perfectly captures my mood. It's on repeat in my CD player. Amazing.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=xDtmKBCOaso (ignore the cheesy video, just listen to the song.)

"Nervous In The Light Of Dawn"

Dreamed I was in a desert, without any luck
Storm gray clouds, hovering above
Silence all around me, I was wandering alone
And I realized, there is nothing, anyone can really own

And I wished for guidance, and I wished for peace
I could see the lightning, somewhere in the east
And I wished for affection, and I wished for calm
As I lay there
Nervous in the light of dawn
As I lay there
Nervous in the light of dawn

It's hard to change, and it's hard to move
It takes years for rough, to be made smooth
You can use up all of your precious energy
To be tossed like a shell, from the hungry sea

And I wished for guidance, and I wished for peace
I could see the lightning, somewhere in the east
And I wished for affection, and I wished for calm
As I lay there
Nervous in the light of dawn
As I lay there
Nervous in the light of dawn

Hold me, in your arms, until I fall asleep
I'm so tired....
Hold me...

And I wished for guidance, and I wished for peace
I could see the lightning, somewhere in the east
And I wished for affection, and I wished for calm
As I lay there
Nervous in the light of dawn
As I lay there
Nervous in the light of dawn

Most Embarrassing Moment #2

Ah, the teenage years, full of angst and awkwardness and more excruciatingly embarrassing moments than any one human should have to endure. Things that seem so insignificant to others shape us for a lifetime and leave jagged scars that change how we relate to the world.......oh I kid, oh not really. Okay, perhaps I'm being slightly melodramatic (are you surprised???) but seriously, there are some things that make me cringe even 20+ years later. Especially where horrifically ugly, green, dump trucks are concerned!

You see, my dad had (has?) a knack for picking really ugly vehicles. He could see the "beauty" in them that NO ONE else could see.... Take for instance the aforementioned monstrosity. It was truly hideous. Oh how I wish I could find a photo of it for posterity (the image below is the best I could find on the web), but surely the camera would have broken had we attempted to capture it on film so it lives on only in my family's memory. Of course in my mind it has morphed into THE UGLIEST VEHICLE EVER DRIVEN BY A HUMAN BEING, and yes I know I'm "yelling" in cyberland, I'm still severely traumatized!

Aside from its color this thing had a decaying, wooden bed. And remember those really long stick shifts? Yep, it had one that was at least the length of a yard stick. It also had a VERY short driver (my petite mother) who could barely reach the clutch, which meant the gears would grind - loudly - when she was shifting. Oh and it had a lovely (cough, cough) vinyl (?) bench seat where my brother and I would sit side by side, he in the middle by the freakishly long stick shift, me by the door hoping desperately that I would not slide into him when we turned a corner. And worse still the drivers' side door would pop open at the most inopportune times. It had a mind of its own, staying stubbornly shut when you wanted to open it only to swing open in the middle of a drive down the street when you wanted it closed.....

One day my mom decided that it was high time my brother's cat was "fixed" since we had way too many and did not need anymore. So off we drove, my mom grinding the gears as my brother and I dodged one VERY angry cat who was intermittently sliding around on the vinyl seats, clawing at the door, hissing and hysterically looking for an escape hatch. As if on cue the possessed door unlatched itself and swung open, just as we pulled up to the stoplight......on the main drag......in Conroe, TX.....with the cat hanging onto the door for dear life! My mom was laughing and my brother was trying to coax his cat down from the door and onto his lap. But I on the other hand, HIT THE FLOOR completely mortified that someone might see me, thus ruining my stellar reputation (ha!) but hey I was 15! Things like that matter when you're a kid, and when you're a shy, angst-ridden teenager it's hard to find the humor in that kind of situation. It's funny now, sort of, but you probably won't catch me riding around in a green dump truck unless my life depends on it. I'd rather walk, take the bus, bike or pay for a taxi, heck I'd even consider thumbing it!

And that is why I now suffer from "Dump Truck PTSD". Thanks mom and dad.

It's Not (All) About Me

It's not all about me - um, yeah I keep being reminded of that annoying little fact over and over again. Apparently I have a very short memory when it comes to remembering how to live selflessly in this big, bad world. Of course, being single AND childless lends itself to a higher level of narcissism because there are fewer people making demands of my time and energy; if I'm not careful I become so focused on MY interests and MY needs that I fail to even try and meet the needs of those around me.

In really taking stock of my life I know that even if I never get to be the kind of "life-giver" I've always wanted to be, read: WIFE & MOMMY; I should still give life in other ways, and I NEED to, otherwise my existence feels meaningless. Most of the ways I try to give life are subtle, like staying connected to family.....being present for and spending time with my nieces and nephews.....nurturing friendships by striving to be vulnerable, loyal and gracious. Those things are important and take a great deal of time and emotional energy (especially the vulnerable and gracious parts, I often fail miserably in those departments!) Yet, I long to do more, and the reality is that I CAN do more without sacrificing the time and space I need to recharge and stay connected to Christ so I can truly live my faith.

So, I've begun volunteering again thanks to my friend Lizzo. Tuesday nights are now devoted to assisting her teach English as a Second Language (ESL) to refugees from Somalia. It's a humbling experience and one that makes my heart beat a little faster and adds a spring to my step. We've been on a break for the holidays and I've really missed those ladies. Seeing them arrive in their traditional, colorful outfits; babies slung across their backs. Learning the ABC's of our language while simultaneously adapting to a culture that is vastly different from their own. And the men, so proud of their achievements, making each lesson a competition, smiling like little boys when they say the right word. Oh, and the kids, so curious and wide-eyed and snuggly, with huge, welcoming smiles.....I could spend every second just adoring them.

As I watch them, these amazingly beautiful people from a tribe forced into slave labor during their country's ongoing civil war, I wonder. How did they survive to find joy and happiness again? Do they struggle against the sting of bitterness at all they have lost? How do they manage to live here, in the land of excess and keep their priorities focused on their families? Do they awaken to nightmares as memories of the past invade their sleep? Do they struggle with fear and anger? Or do they just rest in loving each other because they have suffered much and know that their families and communities are what matter most? It's funny, because even though I am one of their "teachers" (I use that term VERY loosely!) I can see that in answering my questions they will teach me more than I will ever teach them. Life really is ironic.

Undeserved Extravagance

Someone gave me a really expensive, extravagant gift this week, something I would never purchase for myself. Ever. I almost went into the ugly cry as I thanked this generous gift-giver because all I could think was, "I don't deserve this. If you only knew how black my heart is, or how often I fake things you would agree with me."

And I remembered that the most extravagant gift I have ever received was completely undeserved. I could never perform well enough or be good enough to earn it. And this gift-giver already knew the truth about me before he paid the price. He already knew the really dark and ugly stuff, he already knew all of my sin and all of my shame. Yet he loved me enough to prove that I was worth the effort and the heartache. It's the purest love I've ever known and my most treasured gift.

Tonight my heart is full because on that holy night 2000 years ago, as creation was groaning in the darkness, the birth of a long expected baby ushered in hope for mankind. It was undeserved extravagance.


Blessings to you this Christmas. May you find peace for your soul and experience the freedom that comes from being intimately known and loved exactly as you are.

A Transparent Life

trans-par-ent
-adjective


1. so sheer as to permit light to pass through; diaphanous.
2. easily seen through, recognized, or detected.
3. manifest; obvious.
4. open; frank; candid.

Remember how fun it used to be to play hide and seek as a child? As I was watching my friend's son "hide" a few weeks ago, I was struck by how much more effort he put in to being found than to staying hidden. He made noise, he moved furniture, he giggled - he didn't REALLY want to stay hidden....he wanted to be found! And once he was found there was great excitement, sure he hid again but only because he knew (hoped?) that someone would find him. As any child will tell you, hiding isn't fun if no one ever finds you.

So I've been trying to figure out the ways that I hide, and while too detailed to list on a public blog, it's obvious that pretending is one of the biggest ways I conceal myself. I'm a master. I may not excel in much but by golly I've figured out how to hide without being found! Now you may chuckle because you think that you can "accurately" read me, but I can assure you you're wrong at least 90% of the time. I'm really good at letting you believe what you want to believe about me. It takes years for most people to realize that they never had me figured out to begin with. So now I'm trying to be honest.....at least with my closest friends.....when they ask direct questions.....and keep asking until I spill it..... Maybe someday I'll be less complicated and easier to handle!

In the meantime I'm doing a lot of wondering. How do I live more transparently? What does that even mean? What does it look like? It can't mean spilling my guts to every person I know, but I'm convinced that it needs to involve more honesty on my part; it needs to involve letting those closest to me find me as I deal with the fallout of living in a broken world. But first I have to become transparent, so the light of Christ can shine through me, so that the truth of who I am CAN be seen, which is impossible if I'm blocking the light by refusing to open the door to the reality that comes knocking every morning. Transparency requires that I let people see the often ugly truth, not a mirage of perfection.

If the truth, meaning the person of Christ, will "set me free", why am I so afraid? Why are any of us afraid? Perhaps revealing ourselves to mortals is frightening because we judge each other more harshly that God does. And we don't love selflessly. And we don't truly understand grace. My prayer for 2009 is that I become a woman whose transparency allows the beauty of Christ's light to shine through me. A woman who offers the love, grace and mercy to others that God offers so freely to me. A woman who loves freely, even when it hurts. There will be times when I selfishly decide to hide to protect myself from the sting of disappointment. There will be times when I will love in an effort to have my own needs met. There will be many times when I will react in anger instead of love. But, I have a beacon of hope already in me, the light of life, the truth. I just have to open the door so He can shine through. Hopefully you'll experience more of him through me in 2009. That's my prayer.

Blue Christmas

The holidays have arrived and I should be excited right? It's the most wonderful time of the year, or so says a very rich songwriter. But the excitement is missing for me. Maybe it's the thought of attending another party alone and answering invasive personal questions from people I don't know.

Party Guest: "Hi, nice to meet you. Are you married? Have you ever been married? Do you have kids? NO??? With a questioning glance...."

Me: "That's right, I'm 38 and single, never been married and have no kids. There is obviously something horrifyingly wrong with me as evidenced by your raised eyebrow. Thanks for making me feel even worse about myself. Any other questions?"

Perhaps my blase mood is because Christmas began so early this year. Radio stations began playing Christmas music 24/7 on November 5. We went from the election to Christmas seemingly overnight. It kind of detracts from the magic for me. I like Christmas to feel special but it doesn't feel very special when it lasts for so long. It feels like any ordinary day. And to top it off the greed and consumerism is annoying. I love to give meaningful gifts that will be truly appreciated, but instead I buy gift cards because most people just want the money. It feels cheap and heartless.

And don't even get me started on the decorating, which is something I normally enjoy. For the past 2 weeks my tree has been only partially decorated, sporting a twinkling light/ornament ratio of 1000 to 1. I even plunked down a lot of moolah for some really beautiful ornaments, hoping to be inspired, but nope. If you were to drop by right now you'd see my normally spic and span, uncluttered place in disarray. It's a huge mess, littered with boxes, totes, tissue paper, glitter and unwrapped gifts. Worse still, I don't even care. If my sink were full of dishes I'd be concerned that I was suffering from Major Depressive Disorder, but so far it's clean.

What to do? I miss the enthusiasm I normally feel. I miss watching cheesy Christmas movies. I miss listening to carols. I miss baking and decorating and wrapping carefully chosen gifts. But, C'est la vie. It ebbs and flows regardless of the season. It just feels a little blue this year. So instead of focusing on my unrealized expectations I'm going to start focusing on the truth of the season. Salvation has come, reconciliation is possible, hope is renewed. That's the truth, thanks be to God.

The Elf Louise Christmas Project

If you're unfamiliar with Elf Louise you can click on this link to read about the organization's philosophy: http://www.elflouise.com/philosophy.php

Last night I took a turn volunteering with Elf Louise after a friend (Hi Becky) who is on the Board sent out a very nice, non-desperate sounding email in November requesting help at the Checkers' table. And I, being a nice elf and all (minus the funny hat and pointy shoes) decided that I would like to play a game of checkers, er, I mean participate in something honorable this year. So I left work a little early (although, just in case my boss reads this let me clarify that I've been working extra from home, so I'm still putting in my hours.....) and made my way to a 50,000 sq. foot warehouse full of toys waiting to be chosen as gifts for underprivileged kids in our local community.

Now Becky had already warned me that the warehouse had no heat and no air conditioning, therefore I should dress in layers and wear COMFORTABLE shoes (hence the reason my cute elf shoes stayed in the closet.) I arrived in jeans, a pullover fleece top and tennis shoes ready for my 3 1/2 hour shift in the cold, but turns out that Jack Frost forgot to drop by so I spent 3 1/2 hours working in the heat, wearing fleece.... I also arrived expecting 9 other people to be helping, but there were only 5, and only one with experience, the rest of us were Elf Louise virgins. Curiously enough, my "friend" failed to mention how physically demanding the position of "Checker" would be. Now, I have been working out, I'm strong and I walk several miles a week, but I was WHOLLY unprepared for the 4 hour cardio workout I received. Seriously, by the end of the night I was a sweaty and stinky mess - my hair was matted and damp, my makeup was gone and I smelled like a Greek in August, and as Stephanie can tell you, THAT AIN'T PRETTY. But ask me if I'd do it again and I'd say yes in a heartbeat.

There is something deeply satisfying in the act of giving and doing something selfless for others, especially underprivileged children who didn't create their circumstances. Yes, I know our culture is greedy and saturated with "stuff" and most of us have everything we need and much of what we want. And even our poor have an overabundance that much of the world lacks. But, I also know that the little kids who will receive these gifts may not receive anything else this year. And they will be excited to receive a toy that hasn't belonged to anyone else. They will be delighted with the dolls and trucks and musical instruments and High School Musical trinkets. They will love their new teddy bears to death and will grow up with the knowledge that somebody, somewhere cared enough to give them a little bit of joy this year. Sadly, there will be some who do not fully appreciate the gifts, but I'm not willing to take the risk of one innocent child receiving nothing in order to weed out the greedy. I'll let God deal with those matters and I'll continue to be a part of things that make our community a better place to live.

So thanks Becky for all of your years of service, I know you've been volunteering since you were a Girl Scout and you and your family have given selflessly to this and many other causes consistently. Thanks for letting me be a part of something so magical. Thanks for letting me see the faces of awkward, adorable 12-year-old boys as they brought their interestingly wrapped gifts to the table for inspection and bagging. Thanks for letting me watch the "too cool for school" teenagers as they gave a little bit of themselves and realized that they were participating in something special. Thanks for letting me watch mothers teach their children how to give to others who truly want for things that they take for granted. Thank you for letting me give of myself. It was a great night, especially after the masseur performed his magic!

Not So Happy Things

I'm really trying to stay positive during this holiday season, which despite all of the hustle and bustle can feel extremely lonely and isolating. But before I can be positive, I have to get the following annoyances off of my chest:

Allergies. One of the cons to living in South Texas, where it never gets cold enough to kill off all of the pollen. Sneezing, sniffling, wondering where all of that snot comes from and if I'm actually leaking brain fluid instead of mucus. Allergies are high on the NOT SO HAPPY list for a reason, they're infinitely annoying.

PMS. Last month it stood for Pre Menstrual Syndrome AND Present Menstrual Syndrome since I was in one of those stages almost EVERY day. Yeah, November was not really a fun month for me "female-wise".....enough said.

Insomnia. Is it too much to ask for some good, uninterrupted, quality sleep? I'm considering medication. Seriously.

Pumpkin pie. I know it's un-American, but I hate it. I also hate apple pie, cherry pie, lemon meringue pie, blackberry pie, sweet potato pie and mincemeat pie. Yuck.

Mall Traffic. It's a phenomenon I do not understand now that we are officially in a recession. Traffic just piles up for miles before the mall is even in sight. And we all know how I feel about traffic. :-)

Dumb Christmas Songs. Heard "Santa Baby" lately? The only thing that could make me like it is if I were getting the royalty check each month.... Ditto for "Hey Santa" or "Baby It's Cold Outside". And don't even get me started on "Jingle Bells" sung solely by barking dogs. It's enough to make me vomit.

But, enough whining! Now that I've vented I'll try and think about "happy" things so I can survive the rest of the holidays without medication. But before I go I'll leave you with the lyrics to ANOTHER annoying Christmas song, lyrics that have been stuck in my head since I accidentally heard them earlier today. I admire what Bob Geldof was trying to do, but the lyrics need some serious help, and all of the off-key singing by the likes of George Michael, Boy George and Kool and the Gang (I'm serious), just make the whole song dreadful.

"DO THEY KNOW IT'S CHRISTMAS"

It's Christmastime

There's no need to be afraid

At Christmastime, we let in light and we banish shade

And in our world of plenty we can spread a smile of joy

Throw your arms around the world at Christmastime

But say a prayer

Pray for the other ones

At Christmastime it's hard, but when you're having fun

There's a world outside your window

And it's a world of dread and fear

Where the only water flowing is the bitter sting of tears

And the Christmas bells that ring there are the clanging chimes of doom

Well tonight thank God it's them instead of you (that's the spirit, better them than me, eh?)

And there won't be snow in Africa this Christmastime

The greatest gift they'll get this year is life (Oooh)

Where nothing ever grows

No rain nor rivers flow

Do they know it's Christmastime at all?

(Here's to you) raise a glass for everyone

(Here's to them) underneath that burning sun

Do they know it's Christmastime at all?

Feed the world

Feed the world

Feed the world

Let them know it's Christmastime again

Feed the world

Let them know it's Christmastime again