I'll limit details but will say
that one involved a man who followed me into a convenience store. He was so
aggressive that I was completely mute, paralyzed with fear, and terrified,
enough that I wished I had a weapon, and I never wish for that. The other
involved a creepy, probably drunk man at an event. He would not leave me alone
and as the night wore on, it dredged up terrible memories that are still
unsettling my tummy. As much as I hate the word, I was most certainly
"triggered". In my mind, those men became the monsters of my past and
the experiences morphed into insurmountable obstacles that left me sleepless
and incapable of thinking rationally, as the dog discovered this
morning.
Life has never afforded me much
safety or protection. That has made me hard at times, and often deeply anxious.
Do I have to live through more unspeakable, no-good, rotten things? Will I be
left to pick up MORE pieces of my life? Because fifty years is plenty of
picking up, IMHO. And then I look into the mirror and find myself puzzled. I am
not a gorgeous woman rocking a great body. I hoped I was invisible so men would
leave me alone. But even with excess weight, graying hair, and wrinkles the
perverts and creeps still find me, the nice ones never do.
This weekend I was numb,
resigned, and exhausted. I just wanted to cry, curl up in a ball, SLEEP, and
somehow escape the fear, but I couldn't. Instead, I sat, acutely aware of how
powerless I was to protect myself. I know humans are vulnerable to the depraved
and heinous actions of other humans. We blame God, but in reality, we do it to
each other. Our lives can be snuffed out or dramatically altered on the whim of
someone else. Just look at the news today. Or the news of the past. No wonder
Jesus was called a man of sorrows. This is a sorrowful world and I KNOW I
cannot protect myself, or those I love from all of the terrible things. I have
known that since I was three and continue to know it at fifty-three. Thankfully,
I was only triggered last week, not assaulted or abused, but it was enough to
bring the things that haunt me into focus.
So here is what I want, and what I will seek - I WANT to be triggered FORWARD to peace, safety, love, and grace instead of BACKWORD to the horrors of the past. God's mercies are new every morning, and I know that tomorrow will bring enough to carry me through the fear to peace. I may be too hard on myself and not believe I am worth much, but deep down I KNOW that I am one determined, badass woman, so tomorrow I will pull myself together, go to work, hang out with friends, find hope and strength in my faith, and DEFINITELY look into a self-defense course, because apparently I need one.
