It happened again a few weeks ago. I was enjoying a nice dinner and evening out with a friend when a young couple walked by our table with a newborn baby. He was so tiny and precious, so very perfect and his parents were beaming despite the fresh lines of exhaustion etched into their faces. Tears formed in my eyes and threatened to ruin the rest of the evening. I breathed in sharply, shook my head and attempted to restart the conversation, but it was pointless. By the time I unlocked my front door a few hours later I was raw and overwhelmed with sadness.
For me the sorrow that comes from never marrying or mothering a child is often too much to bear. Those two things were all I ever really wanted and it appears they're not to be mine, which hurts me more than I can ever seem to express to friends and family. When I do talk about it many people try to point out all the "bad" things I'm escaping like not having to share the remote control or change dirty diapers or state the obvious like, "It's better to be single than married to the wrong person", which only succeeds in only minimizing the pain. That in turn makes me feel like a an ungrateful whiner, silencing me from reminding them that I walk this journey alone. There is no one to help share the burden of daily living in this ugly world. Although I'm loved and have great friends, I'm simply not a priority It's a hard truth to live with on those days when I simply need hug.
But oh you should hear the sermons if I risk expressing any of those feelings! Statements like God has a plan for your life and it's better than anything you can hope for or imagine; His timing is perfect; He is always with you so you don't have to walk alone offer little encouragement at this point in my life or faith.
As a devout Christian, it's hard to address these statements because I do believe that God walks with me, and frankly carries me more than anyone realizes. He is LIFE to me and that will not change, even when my circumstances are lonely or nothing like what I dreamed of when I was younger. But, to be honest God is not a husband to me; he's my Creator, Saviour and Friend, but NOT a husband. Neither is he a child who needs to be nurtured and loved. And to those who tell me I can have "spiritual babies" (whatever they are) let me remind you that they will never fill my achingly empty arms.
So I wonder, are those types of statements always true or even helpful? They may have been when I was younger, but now that it's unlikely I'll mother a child, and the possibility of marriage is dimming, they leave me cold. Does God have a plan for my life that is BETTER than I can hope for or imagine? REALLY? Because from where I'm sitting right now it doesn't look that way, unless you assume that I imagined a life of singleness and empty arms, which I assure you would be incorrect.
What about God's timing being perfect? I guess it is when you get what you want, even if you have to wait longer than you originally anticipated. But what about when you DON'T get the desires of your heart, after 10, 20, 30 years or more? Does it mean you didn't trust God enough? Does it mean your dreams were selfish? Does it mean you would be such a terrible spouse and/or parent that God is protecting the innocent from you? Does it mean that you are called to something much bigger than a simple office job and you're a failure if you don't do more with your life? I really hope not, but I'm not always sure when I consider how deeply the church idolizes family, or to be more specific, motherhood, as evidenced by the average Mother's Day celebration in many churches across America.
Let me be very clear, I'm relatively happy and try not to dwell on the unfulfilled dreams, but in unguarded moments like the one in the restaurant it's all I can do to maintain my composure because those dreams are on life support and therefore still breathing. It would have been easier if they had been severed instead of watching them wither year after agonizing year. And although there were valuable lessons learned, I'm not so sure I wouldn't trade the wisdom gleaned for the chance to love and be loved in ways I can only dream of now.
Please don't misunderstand, I know that many people suffer greatly in this world, more than I'll ever understand. Many wait and hope trying desperately to fend off despair, cognizantly aware that in a few short breaths they may suffer the death of their dreams instead of the fulfillment of them. After nearly 25 years I have joined them. I know that God does as he pleases and I don't always like it. As my cousin recently said, "When do the lemons become lemonade? I'm tired of the lemons." So.am.I.
