Five Years of Never

Five years pass faster than they are long. In the midst of day-to-day life, the length of one thousand, eight hundred and twenty-six days feels slooooow. But looking at them in the review mirror, you realize they passed like vapor. 

Tears fall heavy as I remember this day sixty months ago; the day my momma left this earth. A full week after Mother's Day. Seven days after I last heard her speak to me. It was a week of sleepless nights, long workdays, stress, never-ending worry, and endless tasks. Trying to keep my dad fed, clean, and hydrated as our family's hearts were breaking into millions of shards wore on everyone. My nephews kept watch during the day and did most of the heavy lifting. My youngest brother and I tried to rotate, but I could not stay away. I obsessively kept tabs on everyone until I could get there after work. It was a week of dread and worry about how dad would cope without her. Of how I would. 

More than anything it was a week of impending heartbreak. Although slowly breaking for several years, I had no idea how much more my heart could and would continue to break. It has now been five years of nevers ~

~never hearing her voice~

~never hearing her play her beloved piano~

~never listening to one of her stories~

~never hearing her laugh~

~never hugging her~

There are so many nevers attached to grief. Permanent nevers paid upon death. Nevers that snowball with the accumulation of losses and overwhelm tender hearts. No one escapes them. They dot the road ahead like mile markers. 

Ah, but flip your point of view and suddenly they become beautiful.

My mom is now on the better side of never ~

~never feeling pain~ 

~never getting lost in her dementia~

~never having another seizure or stroke~

~never fighting with her daughter 😉~

~never shedding a sad tear~

Her nevers are pretty amazing now. The realization of the hope of heaven that carried her to eternity. I know she is happy and finally at peace, but I sure do miss her down here. 

Wherever you are on your journey, I hope you find hope and peace for the nevers that haunt you.

Lost and Found

                 “Knowing how to belong to yourself is an art in a world 

                  where everyone is finding their home in others.” 

                                                                               —Renuka Gavrani 

This is my favorite photo of me from my recent trip to Barcelona. Usually, I cringe or cry when I see myself frozen in time, but this pic is different. My features were surprisingly devoid of the stress and anxiety usually etched across them. My countenance was joyful and confident, my complexion radiant next to the colorful mosaic tiles of Casa Batlló. Obviously relaxed, inspired, and dare I say happy as my windblown, salt and pepper hair framed a beaming smile and twinkling eyes.

When I first saw this pic, I was stunned. Not because I thought I looked beautiful, because I never did, but because I looked like ME. Not the me who has grown discontent, plagued by grief upon grief, anxiety, stress. Not the me waiting for the next horrible thing to fully crack me open and leave me a shattered, writhing mess unable to put myself back together. No, I look like the real me few people see or know. The me I actually like.

Life has done to me what it does to most. Shocked me. Devastated me. Wounded me. This year should have given me space to breathe, but somehow it slowly started to squeeze the life out of me. The girl who could take a licking and keep on ticking could no longer cope. My deeply sensitive side started recoiling at every real or perceived slight. I lost the ability to pivot, started slipping at work, and began avoiding those who could look at me and know something was off. I quit taking care of myself, quit being gracious, struggled to put one foot in front of the other. I felt unsafe. Jumpy. Scared of the unknown. I quit reading and writing, things that usually center me. With rising panic I sought a quiet, blank mind, which I equated with peace, but it was teasingly elusive. I was disappointed in both God and myself for failing to do better. I wondered a lot about the point of my life and if I could ever be enough when I failed so spectacularly so often. I was not depressed so much as I was anxious, tired, and disengaged. Simply put I lost myself. 

              "You are not loved for being above the human condition. 

               You are loved for being deeply, achingly human within it." 

                                                                                  —Chuck DeGroat

July was tough. August, September, and October were tougher. I cried more easily than usual over trivial things. I took everything personally, believing I deserved only bad and never good. I craved solitude, which everyone assumed I got a lot of because of my single status, but there was always too much to do to actually live in it. 

                   “Solitude is the soul’s holiday, 

                   an opportunity to stop doing for others 

                   and to surprise and delight ourselves instead.”       

                                                                  —Katrina Kenison

And then I simply could not do it anymore. I needed a reset. A soul holiday, so I chose the place I wished I had visited when I was in Spain 13 years ago and booked tickets to Barcelona. I have gone to Europe many times and returned with clarity, albeit exhausted, each time. This trip needed to be different. It had to be less sightseeing and more resting to allow my tired brain and wounded heart to come out to play again. I wanted to experience who I could be instead of who I had become, to like myself again. 

Things fell seamlessly into place: I used points to fly for free, found the perfect AirBNB overlooking the Mediterranean, and easily coordinated a visit with a friend who retired in Valencia, but still I waffled and almost canceled a few times. Self-sabotage much? And then I was almost derailed by the government shutdown (I initially mistyped that word with an i instead of u - fitting!)  

The anxiety intensified and I was angry and worried, but I stuck to my guns and went 2 days after the government reopened. The whole trip was satisfying, peaceful, and self-indulgent and the magic of Barcelona invited the truest parts of me to reemerge. Even though I will protect her from most of the world, the gift of reconnecting with myself was priceless. Walking alone as the Mediterranean crashed around me, acutely aware of my smallness in the context of this universe broke through my cynicism and gave me the freedom to make peace with the God who brought life to me. I settled into the reality that my life is different from most people's. I did not marry or have children and that is often a heavy grief to bear in a world that favors couples and families. But it does not mean I cannot thrive on my own. 

"I used to thing that the worst thing in life was to end up alone. It's not. The worst thing in life to to end up with people who make you feel all alone."

                                                                          —Bobcat Goldthwait 

It is interesting that I traveled across the ocean to visit a city of millions in a quest to find solitude, but I did. In a city so large, next to a sea so vast I could become invisible. No one knew me, cared what I was doing, or would even remember me, and that felt like freedom. I sat in beauty that inspired me, captivated by light, movement, and symbolism. I wandered both aimlessly and with purpose, the beauty and energy of the city inspiring me more than the beauty of the faces and bodies begging for attention. 

In a world that favors fleeting, physical beauty, I found real beauty, definitely not staring back at me in the mirror or in the buff bodies at the beach, but in art and nature. In kindness, grace, and mercy. In the big, blue Mediterranean. I left with the resolve to let go of who the world tries to force me to be and instead become who I want to be, who I was created to be. And only in that am I found.

"It is easy in the world to live after the world’s opinion; it is easy in solitude to live after our own; but the great man is he who in the midst of the crowd keeps with perfect sweetness the independence of solitude.” 

                                                                           —Ralph Waldo Emerson

Living and Dying

Photo by Andre Benz on Unsplash

This morning's wakeup call came as I was drowsily scrolling Instagram and planning a grocery run. It was a huge shock when Pete informed me of the death of one of my young co-workers. Stuart was playing volleyball last night when he suddenly collapsed. They tried to revive him on the court, then EMS and the ER doctors and nurses took over, but their attempts were futile; they could not restart his heart. Stuart was a tall drink of water, physically fit, active, (he rode his bike to work every day!) he ate clean, and took good care of himself. He loved playing on his frisbee golf team, he enjoyed long runs, and he really liked both hot and iced tea, like, A LOT.  Most importantly he was one of the kindest guys you could ever meet. He possessed a deep faith and depth of character that are rare in this world. I remember him asking me about a retreat I attended and how surprised I was that he had read books by the speaker.  We just had a conversation yesterday and he was looking forward to the weekend. 

Tears filled my eyes at yet another inexplicable loss, and at how devastated I know his family is, especially his twin brother. My heart aches for them. Young deaths are especially difficult to navigate but remind us that death is the great equalizer and it comes for all of us, even when we are young and healthy.

I have been quiet and moody all day, contemplating how loss scars us; feeling the accumulation of it in my own life, and understanding that the more of it I experience the harder I must fight for hope and peace. This living and dying business leaves none of us unscathed. It forces us to acknowledge how little control we have over anyone's mortality, especially our own. If dying is truly part of living, then the only things that really matter are living and loving well. 

Life is so short, and to be raw and honest, I do not really understand the point. God makes decisions that confound me and leave a bitter taste in my mouth. Ultimately, I quiet down and try to trust Him, but it is getting harder and harder. Monday will be terrible.  Walking in and seeing his empty cubicle. Watching my coworkers, all but three younger than I, grapple with grief. Offering comfort where I can, being a sounding board for those who need to talk (that role seems to find me wherever I go...) guiding them through with all the love, hope, and encouragement I can muster while I struggle to understand any of it. 

If you think about it, say a prayer for our small team. We only have twenty-nine employees total, with twenty-two in the San Antonio office.  We are tightknit, and I know how hard this will hit everyone. And most certainly say a prayer for his parents, siblings, and friends. Everyone who witnessed last night will struggle for a long time, and his family will feel his loss until they meet again.

It looks like a long, sleepless night is in store for me as I think about why God has spared me twice now, and in such dramatic fashion, and why he did not do the same for someone with so much promise. Rest in peace sweet Stuart, you will be missed by so many. 

2.0

She trembles when touched. She is timid when snuggling. She stiffens when unexpected attention is shown to her. She sulks and hides when her feelings are hurt. She is as tough and scrappy as she is sensitive. She is afraid to be loved and known. And yet, that is all she wants. 

Even though she has known love, the traumas of her young life stunt her ability to believe love is real. She simply doesn't trust it. Doesn't know she is worthy of it. 

I wish I were only referring to Merry, but deep inside I know that I am also writing about myself. This dog is somehow exposing my own shame and fears better than any therapist ever did. It is like having a 1000-watt light bulb glaring into my dark heart. It will either blind me forever or finally give me 20/20 vision, your guess is as good as mine.

Having time off from my normal workaholic state brings me face to face with the things I am purposely too busy to confront on the daily. Tonight, near the end of an incredibly heartbreaking and beautiful year, I find myself sitting in silence, haunted by buried things fighting to make their way to the surface. Powerless over the havoc they could wreak in my life, yet strangely curious if they can help Robin 2.0 finally emerge. 

Maybe there is hope for Merry and me. The jury is still out, but I am determined to try to teach her how to accept love, and maybe learn how myself.

Triggered Forward

This past week I had a few negative experiences that scared and "triggered" me (gosh I hate that word!) so much that I am having trouble coping in a healthy way. It has mostly manifested as rage so intense that I scared myself, and my dog this morning when I lost my S#@$ after she tracked mud into my house. Zeus doesn't like to get muddy, but Merry is rough and tumble and does not care if she is dirty. It was insignificant, on par with spilled milk, but I was completely infuriated as if she had purposely done it to enrage me. Like, hello Clayton, she's a DOG. Duh. I should be nice, because before long she will be the only dog I have, but I was a total nightmare. I knew it wasn't her fault, but I exploded. As I knew, and she didn't, the rage stemmed from a few scary incidents last week. 

I'll limit details but will say that one involved a man who followed me into a convenience store. He was so aggressive that I was completely mute, paralyzed with fear, and terrified, enough that I wished I had a weapon, and I never wish for that. The other involved a creepy, probably drunk man at an event. He would not leave me alone and as the night wore on, it dredged up terrible memories that are still unsettling my tummy. As much as I hate the word, I was most certainly "triggered". In my mind, those men became the monsters of my past and the experiences morphed into insurmountable obstacles that left me sleepless and incapable of thinking rationally, as the dog discovered this morning.  

Life has never afforded me much safety or protection. That has made me hard at times, and often deeply anxious. Do I have to live through more unspeakable, no-good, rotten things? Will I be left to pick up MORE pieces of my life? Because fifty years is plenty of picking up, IMHO. And then I look into the mirror and find myself puzzled. I am not a gorgeous woman rocking a great body. I hoped I was invisible so men would leave me alone. But even with excess weight, graying hair, and wrinkles the perverts and creeps still find me, the nice ones never do.  

This weekend I was numb, resigned, and exhausted. I just wanted to cry, curl up in a ball, SLEEP, and somehow escape the fear, but I couldn't. Instead, I sat, acutely aware of how powerless I was to protect myself. I know humans are vulnerable to the depraved and heinous actions of other humans. We blame God, but in reality, we do it to each other. Our lives can be snuffed out or dramatically altered on the whim of someone else. Just look at the news today. Or the news of the past. No wonder Jesus was called a man of sorrows. This is a sorrowful world and I KNOW I cannot protect myself, or those I love from all of the terrible things. I have known that since I was three and continue to know it at fifty-three. Thankfully, I was only triggered last week, not assaulted or abused, but it was enough to bring the things that haunt me into focus.

So here is what I want, and what I will seek - I WANT to be triggered FORWARD to peace, safety, love, and grace instead of BACKWORD to the horrors of the past. God's mercies are new every morning, and I know that tomorrow will bring enough to carry me through the fear to peace. I may be too hard on myself and not believe I am worth much, but deep down I KNOW that I am one determined, badass woman, so tomorrow I will pull myself together, go to work, hang out with friends, find hope and strength in my faith, and DEFINITELY look into a self-defense course, because apparently I need one.

 

Weeping Hearts

Weeping hearts are weary in my part of the world tonight. A month ago, our community faced a shocking loss. A young loss. An out-of-order loss. He was only 51. His parents were not supposed to outlive him. He was supposed to grow old with his wife. Raise his boys. Enjoy grandkids and retirement. Instead, his wife finds herself a young widow. His boys are fatherless. His parents lost one of their babies, and his brothers are now three instead of four. 

Much like the birth of a relationship or a baby, the birth of grief is measured in hours, days, weeks, months, and years. The milestones are somber and stained with bitter tears. Hope is buried underneath the shock of coming face to face with mortality. Weeping hearts bounce uncontrollably between regret, memories, and shattered dreams. Bodies may carry on with the daily rituals of sleeping, eating, working, paying bills, and raising families, but the loss lacerates the heart. The only option is to put one heavy foot in front of the other on the long, winding road to accepting the unacceptable. The flood of tears may subside and eyes may dry, but hearts will always weep.

                                 ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Bearing witness to another's grief is a sacred undertaking. As a Christian, I believe we will be whole in heaven, perfectly content in eternity, and reunited with our maker and each other. But it doesn't stop my heart from weeping this side of heaven because death is final, and grief is the unavoidable aftermath. Whether you believe in God and heaven or not, the terrible reality is that immortality is a myth. Souls may live on in another realm, but not with those remaining here on earth, their hearts weep. Despite my own fresh grief intermingled with the stirrings of past grief, I want nothing more than to take away everyone's pain, to bear their grief for them because I know what is coming. If I could I would snap my fingers or wiggle my nose and make it so, but it just doesn't work that way. 

One of the songs we sang at the funeral last week was called "Rest" by Matt Maher. There is nothing weeping hearts need more than rest. Rest from wondering why. Rest from wondering what could have been. Rest from missing someone so much. 

May those grieving tonight find rest for their souls and weary hearts in the One who begs us to rest in Him. Lord have mercy.

  

Mommy Dear(est) Daughter Dear(est)

Today is hard.  In fact, Mother's Day hasn't been easy since 1998 when I was told it was nearly impossible for me to bear children.  It was the deepest grief in my life until Mother's Day 2021 when my mom spoke her last intentional words to me.  She had stopped eating and drinking the previous week and most of her time was spent sleeping or staring vacantly while my dad and I kept her company.  I was playing her favorite worship music, fussing over her, rubbing her feet, holding her tiny hands, and telling her over and over that I loved her, which had always been difficult for me.  Suddenly she stirred and spoke clearly, in a strong voice that we had not heard for years.  Although private, her words were a gift and left me in a puddle of tears.  

The years preceding her final breath were intense and stressful.  There was not a lot of time to contemplate what life would look like when she was gone.  In fact, in the earlier stages of caregiving, I was fairly certain that I would not miss her much, if at all.  I was wrong.  Two years later, I miss her MORE.  Maybe because every day as an orphan makes me more acutely aware of my singleness and childlessness. Maybe because my parents were the glue in my family and I feel rudderless now. There are many more reasons, but the most important one is that I found healing and redemption in caring for her and loving her in the ways I wished she could have loved me, and I wanted more time to rebuild our relationship.  

She died the next Sunday in 2021 and I shudder now at the ugliness that was in my heart, the arrogance in thinking I wouldn't miss her.  The stupidity of holding onto the wounds of the past at the expense of making happy memories in the present, of refusing to see my own culpability in our troubled relationship.  Many times throughout my life she was Mommy Dearest, and many other times I was Daughter Dearest, albeit without the wire hangers.  But at the end she was simply my dear mother, and I was her dear daughter.  As hard as her last years were, I am forever grateful that God's mercy gave me a chance to heal from our tougher years before it was too late.  Time is short and ultimately life and death are the most important things.  So today I planted some living things in her honor.  Plants that I HOPE I can keep alive and nuture better than I was able to care for her.  

Reinventing Robin

Today was a hard day.  I said goodbye to several people who have been part of my daily life for 11 years. It was excruciating in so many ways, and premature because I was emotionally prepared to do it next week, but alas, that was not meant to be. Guess it was fitting that today was Friday the 13th.  As the last of my personal items were loaded into my car, hugs were exchanged, and tears were shed, I started the engine and drove away for the last time.  Thankful for Bluetooth and modern technology, I had my car call Laurie, who always lets me cry, rage, talk, and vent until I get ahold of myself.  Believe me, I needed the moral support at that point.

Leaving Ability was not easy, it was a privilege to be part of an Agency that focuses on disadvantaged, special needs kids.  I love my co-workers, the therapists, nurses and what it stands for, and I always will. But at the ripe old age of 52, soon to be 53, and 35 years in health care, I knew it was time to reinvent myself. 

The past 11 years have been A LOT.  I had delicate neck surgery, got laid off, started this job, survived being trapped in a burning building the next week, complete with a dramatic rescue (is it any wonder why I have a sweet spot for firefighters?), spent months recovering, worked a lot, traveled (my favorite!), began the caregiving chapter for my parents, bought a house, developed pulmonary hypertension and early heart failure from a birth defect, RECOVERED, developed POTS, learned I have Hypermobile Ehler's Danlos, fell A LOT, tore my rotator cuff, entered into long-term physical therapy (Thanks Mike, and Jorge, the only other person I let help me when Mike is out), lost both of my parents, closed their estate, had a car accident and then near mental breakdown with so much anxiety I thought I was going to have to admit myself, had a break in, paid WAY too much for plumbing repairs and security, and resigned from my job.  (I'm purposely ignoring COVID, some other painful things, and inflation, because BLEH.....)  No wonder I need to spend several days sleeping and not being beholden to anyone or anything else.  

I'm sure you can relate; it seems like everyone I know is dealing with too much and more than they ever asked to or thought they could handle.  It's gets old after a while, and it messes with you on a very deep level.  I keep reminding my friends, AND myself, that although God may give us more than WE can handle, he NEVER, EVER gives us more than HE can handle.  For that I am grateful.

I'm choosing to see the unexpected days off between jobs as a gift and plan to read a lot, workout a lot, sleep as much as humanly possible, eat lots of lunches with lots of friends, enjoy lots of dinners with lots of friends, sleep some more, shop, get a manicure, maybe a facial, and do whatever I want, whenever I want before starting my new job with a landscape architecture firm.  

I am excited, hopeful, really drained from an emotional week, tired from a few months of not sleeping thanks to the pervert who broke into my home, and kind of in awe that my new employers are excited to have me join them and I get to learn a new industry and make my mark at a new job regardless of my age.

God has continued to work wonders in my life, despite my best attempts to thwart him, and I hope you can stop and see when and how he does the same in yours. So, although I shun New Year's resolutions, I resolve to be excited for new beginnings, find joy despite my circumstances, make better decisions that are in MY best interest, keep finding my voice, set better boundaries, and dream again.  May 2023 bring you the same.  You've got this!  And as my new necklace says (thank you Christy for knowing and loving me so well) - You're Enough (and I'm adding this P.S.: when you're not, Jesus IS.)

 

Grocery Store China

Tomorrow is my mother's birthday. It would have been her 79th. The past 17 months have found me in deep reflection, and I discovered that there is danger in looking at the past disingenuously. Whether sugarcoating it or cynically eyeing it through a pair of old rusty glasses, both extremes prove equally unhelpful. My goal has been to find balance between the hard truths and the beautiful expressions of love that filled my childhood and identify how they shaped me into the quirky woman I am today. Safe to say it is a BIG goal.   

One beautiful expression of love from my momma is my china. When I set it out for guests, I am reminded about how it came to be mine. It isn't fine china, bought in a fancy store, or found at an estate sale or antique store. No, mine is grocery store china that I never really wanted.

Growing up was a challenge for me, and I spent a lot of years embarrassed by my parents.  They were not all that sophisticated and when I was young there were many years of severe financial problems. I worked from a very young age to pay for things I wanted and needed, things they could not afford. Once we moved to San Antonio, they rented a house without wheels. For a family who used to dream about upsizing to a double-wide mobile home, a house with a foundation felt like the slice of normal I had always wanted. 

My parents always dealt with plenty or want with dignity, there was just a lot more want than plenty.  No matter how poor we were, my mom was traditional and wanted me to have a hope chest full of things I would need for married life. In her mind, that included a full 12-piece place setting of china.

Our local Randall's grocery store was selling pieces for pennies on the dollar if the purchaser bought so many $$ worth of groceries.  Every couple of weeks new pieces were introduced, including platters, casserole dishes, sugar and creamer, salt and pepper, teapots, etc.  You name it, they sold it. 

The pattern was silver rimmed with dainty pale blue flowers, and a little peach included for good measure. Before I knew it, I was presented with random pieces of the set for every occasion.  My mom was excited to be able to give me something so "nice".  After a few years I had every item they made packed away for my future home, which we both assumed would find me barefoot, pregnant, and making my own butter while my husband was out bringing home the bacon for me to fry. That obviously never happened because I avoided commitment and found myself choosing the single life. I did want to get married and have kids, but not in the traditional ultra-religious way of my upbringing.  Marriage was scary, and I didn't want to parent alone, so that dream slowly but surely died over 50 years. But at least I had a full set of grocery store china.

True confession: I never really loved the pattern.  My taste was always more modern and I would have preferred to inherit her wedding china, but I never had the heart to tell her. That set of dishes has moved to all of my homes and is currently taking up residence in my kitchen cabinets.

Now, I make enough money that I could afford to replace it with something that suits my style, but I know that I will never part with it, because the love behind the gift makes my heart sing. My mom saved every penny she could to give me those dishes. Despite our difficult relationship that set reminds me that even with our family dysfunction there was deep love, perseverance in terrible times, and pure, sacrificial gifts.  It is the finest china I own and I will never part with it.

Happy Birthday mom, I love and miss you!

Lesson "Urned"

The past few weeks were full of emotion as my family prepared and hosted my dad's memorial.  Due to the pandemic, the time crunch associated with closing an estate that was reverse mortgaged, and our various schedules it took approximately eleven months to officially say goodbye.  Waiting was necessary, but it prolonged the grieving and two weeks later I am still brimming with emotion and completely deflated.    

One thing I know is that my parents would NOT want to see me or my brothers sad.  They would want us to remember them fondly and laugh at some of the more absurd moments.  So, now is as good a time as any to tell you this truly absurd, true story.  

**This is an admittedly humorous, but cautionary tale in case you too find yourself in our predicament.  Learn from the error of our ways. Trust me on this.  

My dad was a packrat (read: HOARDER) and if he had been alone, I'm quite sure he would have been on a real episode of Hoarders.  At one point he had grain trailers on the property he owned, and they were full of junk, and rats/snakes, but I digress. In his later years he lived in a house in a real neighborhood with a yard too small for grain trailers.  So instead, he had three storage sheds, a garage, an office, and an entire master closet for his stuff.  

I'm sure you can imagine how overwhelming it was to clean out said "stuff."  My brothers and I did not inherit the same packrat gene and we grew jaded, tired, grumpy, and a wee bit sneaky as we worked to clear the home and yard. Facebook Marketplace and Goodwill quickly became our new best friends, because one man's junk is another man's treasure.  We made quick work selling, donating, or trashing those treasures with barely a thought.

One of the last things to tackle was my dad's closet.  I had already sorted my mom's tiny one, but dad's was A LOT more involved.  My youngest brother and I spent an entire day sorting, discarding, bagging, and organizing stuff that dad would never wear or use again.  He and my mom sat in bed holding court like a king and queen, afraid we might give away the crown jewels or something (insert eyeroll here).  We had to display EVERY item for his review.  It was hard for him to let go, but by that time he was only wearing pajamas and slippers. We gave away more than we kept, and still had a packed closet so we tackled other closet items including knee braces, heating pads, belts, hats, pillows, and boxes of miscellaneous items.  Then we moved to the more random items. Quilting square?  There it was bolted to the wall, I'm still not sure why...  Binoculars?  Cameras?  There were a few of those. Birthday cards from 1973?  Why yes, now that you mention it.  As we reached the top shelf with extra pillows and whatnot, we found two cardboard shipping boxes, each one holding wooden boxes.  They were unmarked and we could not figure out how to open them.  My parents had no clue what they were and by this point in a very long day we had lost our patience.  Those boxes went to Goodwill with a few carloads of clothes and other random junk, er, I mean "treasures".  We felt really, really good about all we accomplished that day, we were very self-congratulatory, which, in hindsight was a mistake.

Rewind to 10+ years ago when my parents made a will and pre-paid for their cremations through the Neptune Society.  The folders were stored in their safe and contained all required information, which made it quite simple when they passed because I only needed to make a phone call.  But there were 2 things neither my brothers nor I knew:  

1. We would need those mystery boxes.  

2. We would need a screwdriver.

The morning my mother passed, while I was full of emotion and exhausted from all that had transpired, I called the number in the folder.  My brother had arrived and was in the other room while I spoke to the Neptune Society representative.  She walked me through some of the details and then asked if I still had the urns.

In an instant everything shifted to super slo-mo.  I blinked, my eyes widened, I took a sharp breath, I asked her to excuse me as I muted the phone and then snapped out of it and yelled to my brother, "Todd, THOSE.WERE.URNS!!!!!"  He rushed in displaying the same look of wide-eyed panic (now permanently seared in my memory) and tore through the house hoping against hope that we had not actually donated my parents' urns.  But, well, you see, WE DID actually donate urns. Gulp. I got back on the phone and tearfully told the representative that we did not have the urns (I conveniently left out the fact the Goodwill had them, or some TikTok thrifter).  She was very kind and told me she had an extra one. That was a relief because as I scanned the link she sent for the urn catalog (yes, those exist) my stomach sank at the prices, and also at the new knowledge that you can now make jewelry out of your loved one's ashes.  I passed.  

A few weeks later I brought my mother's remains home in a lovely, cherrywood urn generously provided by the Neptune Society.  

Over the next four months my dad declined quickly and before I knew it I was calling the Neptune Society again.  This time, the representative was not as generous and told me they could put my dad's remains in a temporary box. Eek...for several months, two boxes sat in my house, one a lovely cherrywood box, the  other a not-so-lovely cardboard box.  I always felt bad for my dad, but, I mean, not too bad because he let us DONATE HIS URN, but still it was kind of pathetic to see the two of them sitting next to each other in vastly different containers.   

Fast forward to 11 months later.  We were in their beloved home state, at their favorite spot on earth. My brothers and I privately climbed up a hill, just the four of us, emotionally prepared to permanently say goodbye.  Well we tried. Turns out, YOU NEED A SCREWDRIVER TO OPEN URNS. We yelled cut and sent Todd, the youngest and fittest, down the hill to round up the stupid screwdriver (very thankful that my nephews always have some kind of tool on their person), THEN Action! We resumed our tearful, somber goodbyes. It was a fitting Clayton goodbye to two unique, quirky people. Even in the most terrible moment we found something to laugh about and I'm pretty sure my parents wouldn't have had it any other way. 

HOWEVER, I learned from this experience and want you to know that I TOO have pre-paid for my own cremation and have an urn.  It's in a cardboard shipping box, complete with a small screwdriver, with EVERY SINGLE SIDE clearly marked, in thick, black marker, that the box should NOT be discarded because IT IS MY URN.  

P.S. - This entire experience has inspired me to clean out a lot of my own "stuff" because I am fairly certain ain't nobody who wants to deal with it when I die.  And TBH I'm using the money to fund "Operation Robin's Retirement".  

**the title of this blog is credited to Tim Hightower who popped out with it after hearing this story.  I may need to hire him for all titles moving forward.  

Letter to Daddy

Daddy!

How are you?  Pretty sure you are having the time of your life up there in Heaven.  Is it all you thought it would be?  Did everything finally make sense?  Are the golf courses amazing?  Do you think of me toiling away and missing you down here? I almost dialed your number today, but then I remembered that somehow today marks 9 months since you left.  Tomorrow would have been your 84th birthday.  The next day Father's Day.

I should have been buying silly cards about golf and tools and baking a devil's food cake so you could have your traditional glass of cake-milk (BTW, I still think that's gross.) Instead I quietly put my phone down as tears carved a trail of misery through my makeup.  Then I resolutely wrote out another memorial card to invite family to the day we formally (finally) remember you in your beloved Colorado.

Remembering you is bittersweet, at times bringing laughter and joy, and at other times bringing tears and sadness.  Today brought tears.  But yesterday, oh yesterday was full of sheer happiness and deep love for you.

Do you remember the birthdays when you gave US gifts?  I sure do, like the time when you brought home new bicycles because it brought you joy to surprise us. We probably gave you a tacky mug or another hammer...  What about the time you bought me a small safe when it was YOUR day to be spoiled? Or the last Christmas you were able to shop for gifts and bought mom and I each a Finishing Touch facial hair remover? Still not sure if I should be offended, but I'll tell you a secret, I still use it.  By the next Christmas you had lost your independence and ability to drive so you went to the garage and brought in a used drill (that didn't really work) and an old hammer so that I would have a gift.  That nearly killed me, and it meant more than any other gift, except maybe when you gave me Apache.  He was the best horse.  

There are other more private memories that you and I share and you should know that you were the BEST daddy for me. You were an extraordinary man and I was blessed that I had 51 years with you.  Every part of me wishes I had more time and could hear your voice again, or take you to Gruene to grab a Chicken Fried Steak from the Gristmill. 

Life has changed in so many ways, and I would be lying if I said that the reduction in stress has not been a huge plus; it has, and I am healthier in many ways, but also sadder.  Every minute caring for you and mom was a privilege and I have no regrets, other than wishing I had done better.  Returning to normal is not really possible when someone like you leaves, and the challenge of finding a new normal is really hard.  Since I never had my own family, when you and mom started declining, you became almost like my children.  Now I feel like an empty-nester in some ways,and have no idea how real empty-nesters deal with it.  It's brutal, but I'm figuring it out with a lot of prayer, time, good friends who listen to me whine, and well, believe it or not, working out again.  Hopefully you would be proud of my progress.

So, even though I miss you (and mom) horribly, I am so happy to call myself a daddy's girl. I love you more than you will ever know.

Love, 

Robin, aka, your favorite daughter because I was the only one (my favorite title) 😁

P.S, Merry says hi, she misses you too, and so does Zeus.

Like Mother Like Daughter

Today marks 365 days since my mama went home to Jesus.  Buckets of tears later I find myself full of memories, happy and sad, and more than a few regrets.  Our relationship was complicated, but God in his mercy allowed us a measure of healing the last two years of her life. 

For most of my life people have made comments about me looking like my mom.  It used to upset me because I chose to view her through my wounds. I regret that now.  Finally, I see her beauty.  She was lit up from the inside, and I wish more than anything that I could tell her what I see.  

When I compared a recent selfie with a photo I snapped of her a year before she passed, I was shocked how much of her I saw in my own face.  Yes, I look a lot like my dad, those Clayton genes (and chins) are STRONG, but I also see my mama. The eyes, the smile, the asymmetrical nose, the salt and pepper hair, the similar face shape.

After a year of missing her a little more each day, I no longer grow irritated to see our physical similarities. I have also begun to accept some of our shared personality "quirks", a few I most decidedly wish I had NOT inherited 😂, but there are some that make me proud. I followed after her in my faith, it is deep and solid, and continues to grow. I took after her and became strong and resilient after surviving childhood trauma, a life-threatening health crisis, and harrowing life circumstances, just like she did. I am loyal to a fault when treated right, and devoted to those I love, as was she. And she taught me how to love dogs, books, and music, all things that bring joy to me in this crazy life.  

Obviously, I am still a work in progress and will discover more similarities, good and bad, but I hope that I can at least love and serve others as faithfully, joyfully, and selflessly as she did. 

Love you mama, I hope you're dancing with daddy today. 

 

A Heart Full of Holes

 

Five years ago on a beautiful March Day, my life changed forever when I walked into the heart failure and transplant clinic.  The name on the door startled me and I almost turned around to go back to work, but something was seriously wrong with me, and I needed answers.  A week earlier I had received a diagnosis of pulmonary hypertension and my heart was beginning to fail, the question of the day was why?  

For approximately three hours I underwent multiple diagnostic tests ending in a bubble study, an odd one which required an IV injection of agitated saline (to create bubbles), that would find its way into my heart.  A nurse was brought in to administer the IV and the previously chatty echocardiogram tech suddenly stopped talking as she intently concentrated on the sonogram screen. I wondered what she was looking at because I was quite sure my heart was IN.MY.THROAT. instead of my chest by that point.  After two saline injections, the right and left atria, aka the top 2 chambers of my heart, filled entirely with what looked like smoke. As it cleared, even my untrained eye could see what turned out to be a large hole between them.

 

                                                

A doctor was called, and in walked a heart transplant surgeon. I was so scared that I forgot I was half naked, and as a "never nude" that is saying something! (if you are a fan of Arrested Development you will get the reference. 😜) When he walked in my heart sunk to the bottom of my stomach in 0.2 seconds. How in the world did I find myself on that table, talking to him?  I was too young, just a few weeks shy of forty-seven! Why was he saying things like, "that's odd?", and "why would it do that?", when talking about MY heart?  He left to consult with the critical care pulmonologist, and I was allowed to get dressed and then escorted to an exam room.  The pulmonologist gently explained that I was born with a congenital heart defect. The good news was that I would NOT need the heart transplant surgeon, but I would need more tests to determine the size of the defect and why blood was shunting left to right.  I had NO idea what that meant but it sounded bad. My tears were abated by a deep state of shock, and I was released to go about the rest of my day.  

It was surreal. I had walked into that clinic with what was originally thought to be a lung disease and walked out with a diagnosed heart defect. As I walked outside to find my car, it did not take long for me to spiral into a panic, and I struggled to hold myself together. I called a friend, maybe my youngest brother; the details are fuzzy.  Soon enough I blamed myself for failing to maintain my health. I had tried, and had gone to so many doctors seeking help, but they blamed me and were uninterested in digging deeper. Most told me I was anxious and depressed. A few told me I had mild asthma. One hinted that I was a hypochondriac. One told me I was lazy.  After years of seeking help and being failed by the medical establishment, I started to believe that they were right.  I labeled myself as a fat, lazy, depressed hypochondriac.  And I became many of those things.

              *********************************************************************       

Although it was a heavy thing to find out something was seriously wrong with my heart, the defect explained so much.  I found myself crying from relief that I WAS NOT crazy.  I was NOT a hypochondriac.  I was sick!  There was a cause and effect.  My heart had done the best it could until it simply could not do anymore and went on strike.  

Click on the links below to read some of my favorite blog posts about my experience: 

http://rustyglasses.blogspot.com/2018/04/365-days.html

http://rustyglasses.blogspot.com/2018/09/walking-away-from-miracle-forgetting-to.html

http://rustyglasses.blogspot.com/2020/04/waking-up.html

              *********************************************************************

Monday, April 4, 2022, marks five years since my surgery.  Inexplicably this anniversary is stirring up more emotions than I was anticipating. I thought this year would be like the others, but it is not. Yes, I am grateful to God for healing, rescue, mercy, GRACE upon GRACE - yet I am unsettled, tired, afraid, generally out of sorts. The past few years have been difficult.  Grieving and years of recovering from the damage the defect had on my body have been grueling.  Other heart holes have been revealed, just not physical in nature.  Most I have tried to fill myself, others I have ignored, and they have caused damage, but God in his mercy is "helping" me face a few of them now.  I would rather not, because heart surgery, whether physical, spiritual, or emotional involves a lot of recovery time. 

In this season of Lent, I am more aware than ever of my flaws and my failures. Growing and changing is challenging work and the process can be overwhelming, emotional, messy, and immensely difficult, but God still shows up for me in big ways and loves this flawed creation of his.  Oh, how I hope that this year will see me resting in him and increasing my faith as I allow him to love me deeper still.  

If you find yourself facing your own heart full of holes, just remember, new growth is possible and Easter is coming.

Engulfed

Ten years. As the anniversary approaches it feels raw and fresh. I close my eyes as the smoke rises in my memory. A deep breath later, and the acrid smell fills my senses so convincingly that I'm lost. Instantly confused, blinded by toxic smoke, stumbling in the inky blackness. Choking. Suffocating. Burning. Wondering if rescue will arrive before the grim reaper.  

I catch myself and come to my senses just before I start to fall. Heart racing. Terror pounding in my throat. Remembering. Trembling. Thanking God for rescue. Oxygen. Breath.  But still the feeling of being engulfed persists. It haunts. Teases. Tortures.

I have no idea how long I was in that stairwell. It had to be forever that I was suspended in time, falling slowly into the arms of a firefighter, but reality says it happened in seconds. Twenty more and I would not be here. Hard swallow.  

Engulf: so as to surround or cover completely...to overwhelm

The word "engulf" has a negative connotation in my mind. I think of all the times I was engulfed in terrible situations, stuck with no escape, desperate for rescue. Powerful feelings when combined with memories and flashbacks of terrifying things beyond my control completely overwhelm me.  

Yet God's grace is evident even in the severest of mercies. He never leaves me to fend for myself. Instead, he engulfs me with an abundance of beautiful things. Good things. Important things such as unending love. New mercies. Fathomless grace. Abundant hope. Infectious joy. Unearned kindness. Himself. 

 

〰 〰 〰 〰 〰 〰 〰 〰 〰 〰 〰 〰 〰 〰 〰 〰 〰 〰 〰 〰 〰 〰 〰 〰 〰 〰

   

This year, instead of letting myself become engulfed in the fear and flashbacks, I am remembering the sweet mercies birthed in incredibly tragic situations.  I am celebrating. Waiting. Thriving. Abiding. Hopeful that God is not finished with me and is leading me to something sweeter than I can imagine. Who knows what I will be doing on day 3653? It's a safe bet that come rain or shine you will find me engulfed in the goodness of God. 

 "Now to him who is able to do immeasurably more than all we ask or imagine..."  Eph 3:20

  

Winging It

 

Recently, as I was working on my shoulder exercises during a PT visit, I was pretty excited, prematurely it turns out, that I was accomplishing the movement with minimal pain.  Then I did it again and surprise(!) my old friend pain kicked down the door I thought was deadbolted shut.  As I winced, my PT, Mike, quickly and patiently reached over and repositioned my shoulder.  Ugh, I was embarrassed that after seven months of work, I STILL had to be reminded how to hold my shoulder properly.  Duh, should have learned better by now, but as he always tells me, it's muscle memory. Apparently mine have a photographic memory when it comes to doing the wrong thing.

The thing is, for ten+ years I nursed damaged shoulders and severe nerve pain all related to degenerative disc disease in my neck. After neck surgery I had periodic steroid injections, but they only brought temporary relief.  The pain was worse on the left side, and I learned to cope by rolling my shoulder forward, literally winging my shoulder blade.  

Tearing my rotator cuff added insult to injury. For weeks, the pain was so intense that I couldn't get through a day without a steady supply of pain meds.  I finally had a sedated MRI, where the nurse almost killed me with too much medication (true story), but at least the tear was confirmed. A few weeks later, and three days after my mother died, I started PT.  It's safe to say I was a mess, with a capital M.E.S.S.  Mike noticed but was up to the challenge and has become one of the only health care practitioners who has actually helped me.  He is the reason PT has been and continues to be a positive, lifechanging experience. It has admittedly been a slow process because I also developed frozen shoulder and continued to reinjure myself with more falls, seven total in 2021. It has been a vicious cycle of winging it and reinjury over and over again.    

        Still, I continue to wing it because it FEELS better, not because it IS better.  

Thankfully, I am learning SO much about pain and physical health that, at the ripe old age of fifty-one, I am finally learning to listen to what my body is telling me.  Some pain is necessary and needs to be worked through to heal; some pain is detrimental and needs to be treated and relieved. The trick is learning to tell the difference. For example, it hurts to pull my shoulder back, to "unwing" it and work on mobilizing it, but it is necessary to reach my goal of unfreezing it and getting back my range of motion. However, acute, sharp, or throbbing pain needs tending. Sometimes with ice, sometimes with pain medicine, but it should always be addressed and not pushed or ignored. I now recognize that my efforts to avoid, ignore and/or protect myself from pain have caused more damage.  This past Monday was the first time that I didn't ignore treatable pain and asked for what I needed. It was sweet relief, and I was proud to see even a little progress, proving that you CAN teach an old dog new tricks.   I am no longer my own worst enemy.

This journey is long and daunting, longer than this blog post!  It often frustrates me, especially when I look back and recognize that I only sought help because I had an obviously terrible injury. Sadly, I chose NOT to treat the nerve pain for a decade because I was not equipped to fight for myself. Years of being brushed off by doctors and physical therapists left me feeling like a whiny wimp, and I was raised not to whine. I grew a thick skin and honed a "suck it up buttercup" mantra, which did me no favors. Finding a skilled, compassionate, and attentive PT has caused me to do a lot of internal reflection and make a lot of positive changes. Things I have heard for ages are finally clicking for me, and I am changing for the better, hopefully permanently.  I no longer want to suck it up if the pain can be relieved.  Who knew going to PT would be so full of important life lessons?!

A few years ago I read "The Body Keeps the Score".  It was eye opening and one of the things that struck me was how emotional pain manifests itself in the body physically. There is an emotional component to physical healing, and a physical component to emotional healing often overlooked, at least in my life. I won't get into the details here, but I will say that as a child, I learned to cope with unspeakable things out of desperation and I sport the emotional and physical scars as a result.

For several years I have been attempting to learn healthier coping skills so that I can take care of my whole self.  It feels like I'm trying to climb Mt. Everest in a blizzard, okay maybe not that bad, but it feels insurmountable at times because I am a lot of work! I know I'm not alone. All of us experience triumphs and heartbreaks in this life.  We are shaped by good and not so good experiences. In our most acutely painful moments, we are required to do whatever is necessary to cope with the pain.  There is nothing wrong with that, it is necessary for survival.  But to thrive instead of simply survive, those old self-protective methods must be unlearned.  We must be braver than we ever imagined we could be.  We must persist and face the pain head on, sometimes pushing through it, and sometimes treating it, but always honoring it, learning from it, and moving forward.  

I refuse to be sidelined by ailments that others may dismiss either because they don't know me well, have not suffered the same, or because I hide them well, but I know what I have overcome and the miracle it is that I am still breathing. So, I will hold my head a little higher (partly because I CAN thanks to my PT), and I will continue to reflect on how physical and emotional healing intersect so I can grow into who God imagined me to be at my inception.  I hope the same for you.   

Catching My Breath

 

Photo by Daisa TJ from Pexels

Next week marks three months since I said goodbye to my daddy.  Sometime in the next seven to ten days I will sign the papers that finalize the sale of his home.  It was the only single-family home he and my mom ever owned and they were so proud of it.  Last night I stopped by to pick up a few remaining items and sort the mail that I still haven't forwarded.  Something in me needed to say goodbye to that space. As I found myself wandering inside the empty rooms, patio, backyard - all devoid of the laughter and love that filled them for almost thirty years, I remembered my mom's excitement at getting to paint and put up wallpaper.  I remembered my dad buying ALL THREE of his outdoor sheds so he could make and fix things. I laughed as I remembered the time we didn't have turkey for Thanksgiving because my dad almost blew up the house trying to fry it.  I remembered the sounds of my nieces and nephews playing in the backyard, spending many weekends being loved and spoiled.  I remembered the many years it took my nephews and my dad to construct a new fence. My mom's last words to me as she lay dying in her purple bedroom.  My dad responding to my voice before he took his last shallow breaths. I also remembered their excitement as they filled their home with laughter, family, mementos of their own childhoods, and memories for those of us who would outlive them.  

It was cathartic to remember good times and bad times, laughter and tears. As I walked in silence, tears streaming down my cheeks, I let go of the hard things and envisioned each room filled with their presence. Then I found myself talking to them, asking forgiveness for my failures, thanking them for their sacrifices, telling them how much I miss them and how proud I was/am to be their daughter.  It was a special time in their space, and it brought a measure of peace to my heart.

Grieving is an exercise in reflection. It can be depressing and it can be joyful, or both at the same time. No matter what though, it is crucial that it be honored and indulged.   It is okay to grieve.  It is okay to feel sad and not try to spin it to fit the constructs of other people's comfort with how you do it. As I watched Andrew Garfield talk about the recent death of his mother, I found myself enthusiastically nodding when he said, "I love talking about it by the way, so if I cry, it's only a beautiful thing.  This is all the unexpressed love.  The grief that will remain with us until we pass because we never get enough time with each other...so I hope this grief stays with me because it's all the unexpressed love that I didn't get to tell her."  

So now I find myself reflecting on the past decade and wondering how in the H.E. double-hockey sticks I survived. Finally recognizing that I really NEED and have earned at least a minute to catch my breath and care for myself now without apology. 👏👏 Finding myself at a crossroad. Wide-eyed, curious, tired, hopeful. At times certain I will be swallowed whole and forget to breathe, and then blissfully dreaming again and proudly owning the strength and determination that keep me moving forward, albeit with a limp. 

So, forgive me if I take a step back to spend time with and care for myself.  Forgive me if I decline sincerely made offers that I WILL accept someday soon.  Forgive me if I withdraw to a quiet, safe space with no demands because this world is hard to navigate. Surviving is hard. Watching others survive is hard. Living in this broken mess is hard. Breathing and exhaling is hard. Life, death, and everything in between is hard. Pain. Loss. Grief. Doubt. Fear. But there is good that beckons from the Father. Love. Joy. Peace. Grace. Mercy. Hope. Beauty.  Life can be as horrible as it is thrilling, and as painful as it is amazing. You can find peace in the middle of chaos.  Faith in the pit of doubt.  Hope in the moments of despair.  Beauty in the ashes of what was. You need only to train your eye to look for it, and your ears to listen to the sweet whispers of the Holy Spirt. Don't ever give up but DO give yourself time. Give yourself freedom. Give yourself permission to go catch your breath if you need to and be proud that you are still needed in this world.  

From Is to Was

The Ryder Cup is being played this weekend.  Something my parents and I have watched together for ages.  My dad was really excited about watching it this year, but he just missed it.  So far, I can't find the courage to turn it on and watch it this time because he was supposed to be eating popcorn and watching it with me.  I'll probably feel the same about the World Series.  Those were things we were both looking forward to watching together.  It's hard to separate them from him, or even my mom who really enjoyed both events.

In some ways my family's grief was expected.  Even before my dad was exposed to and so suddenly taken from us by COVID, I had texted my brothers to call or visit soon.  I could see that he did not have much longer. It was getting harder to care for him, even for my strong nephews who could get him out of bed easier than I could.  To be sure, we all knew that death would be the end of our caregiving roles, but it was still a shock when he died.  He was supposed to be here for a few more months.  I had planned to spend as much time as possible with him.  To laugh, and watch stupid Westerns, and to let him eat whatever his heart desired.  Patty Melt? No problem.  Biscuits and Gravy?  You've got it.  Cinnamon rolls?  Absolutely.  Tacos?  How many??  Ice cream?  You bet.  I enjoyed spoiling him and trying to ease his own grief over losing my mom.

Grief hits people in different ways whether it is expected or not.  I don't know about you, but for me one of the hardest parts of grieving is the shift from "is" to "was".  The mind shift from present to past tense is a humdinger.  I find myself forgetting that both are gone. I think of them in the present tense. Surely this is just a bad dream.  To be orphaned and all alone after so many years together and to lose them both just four months apart is grief upon grief.  I mourn them separately, and together, and then separately again.  Instantly all their failures are forgiven.  Their annoying habits endearing.  Repeated stories that used to drive me mad are now soothing.  Their goofy, quirky personality traits are now my absolute favorites, and I wonder why I didn't appreciate them more in the here and now, instead of waiting until they became mere memories.

Loss of those we love cannot be reversed.  It is final.  The days go on; our lives continue; we bravely put one foot in front of the other, but everything is different forever.  And gosh there is a lot of loss going around.  Whether near or far it is an overload to our senses. Surreal. Endless. Senseless. And so very human.  

As a Christian I believe that there is hope of a reunion in heaven someday.  I believe that my parents are in the presence of the Father, Son and Holy Spirit, holding hands in perfectly restored bodies.  There is no doubt in my heart or soul.  But even though I rejoice for them, the sucker punch of missing them nearly knocks me to the ground every morning.  They are not here, and I know I will always miss them.  I love you mom and dad.  Until we meet again!